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My Master, my Lover.

by Mattie

I'm not sure this is exactly "romantic" but I did my best!

DINAH HAD BEEN watching them all night. She couldn’t help it, couldn’t hold back her fascination.

It was two men, both young, lounging in a half-circle booth across the barroom. One, a few years the elder—which looked to be late twenties—had a strong Latin face surrounded by shoulder-length, curly brown hair. In a pale face, his eyes were shockingly blue. The other man had a more delicate appearance, enhanced by waist-length black hair that gleamed silky in the low lights. His face had something of beauty to it, and soft charcoal lashes fringed his almond-shaped brown eyes.

But what she found interesting was when the elder’s full lips curved up, and he reached to knot his hand into the collar of companion’s shirt and drag him close. Their mouths met with laziness that spoke of long familiarity and affection, mingled with an ever-present undercurrent of lust.

With arched eyebrows, Dinah turned back to her own table to find that both Kate and Kris had been watching the men too.

Kate curled her lip. “God, that’s gross.”

Kris looked thoughtful, but only muttered, “Too bad; they were kind of cute.”

Dinah darted another glance at them. Even across the distance, she could see tongues. The twinges of excitement she felt embarrassed her. “Hot,” she murmured.

Kate glared. “Sick.”

Ignoring her friend, she shot them another quick peek, couldn’t seem to keep her eyes off them. They’d finished for the moment and were sitting with their elbows on the tabletop, gazing into lasses of beer that they didn’t touch.

Then the elder looked up and ice-blue eyes locked on her. She felt her green eyes go wide with chagrin and she looked quickly away. Not before she noticed that the younger man had seen her looking too. And that, she reminded herself, was why mother’s told their children not to stare.

“Dinah,” Kris broke into her thoughts. “Your turn to get drinks.”

She glanced at the empty glasses on their table. “Haven’t we had enough?”

Kris grinned wickedly. “What’s the point of turning twenty-one if you can’t get dead drunk?”

Dinah laughed. “Good thought. Be right back.”

She wove through the crowd, red hair swinging, just one more tall, narrow-waisted, full-chested girl in a room full of them.

She was gathering the drinks when she felt the tap on her shoulder and spun around to see the younger of the two men she’d been watching. He smiled, a white flash of teeth in a handsome face. She felt her face go red.

“Hi,” he said, and his voice was soft yet rich. “Join us for a drink?”

“Uh—“ She stared, dumbstruck. “What?”

“Drink. Beer? Whatever you want. Come on.” He slipped a hand on her back in a comfortable, friendly gesture and led her through the crowds. Too confused to protest, Dinah allowed herself to be brought back to the table where the elder waited, his blue eyes emotionless of they held hers.

“Oh,” she stumbled. “I—I was supposed to be----”

“Getting your friends’ drinks.” His nod was as cool as his eyes. “Taken care of.”

When she looked, she saw that a waitress was carting a tray toward her table. Kate and Kris were staring at her, and she looked back helplessly. “I shouldn’t---”

“Sit down.”

The tone of his voice was mild but commanding. Before she knew what she was doing, she was seated on the booth seat beside him and the younger was sliding in behind her, trapping her between them. Yet they didn’t crowd her, leaving nearly a foot on each side of her. The younger leaned against the wall behind them, while the elder fell into an easy slouch.

“It was . . . nice of you to invite me over,” she said, though she thought it was anything but.

“What’s your name?” the elder asked.

“Dinah. You?”

“Joseph.” He nodded to the other. “Cass.”

She glanced back at Cass and he smiled. She smiled back, a bit relieved by the warm reassurance he gave off with seeming unconsciousness. “Cass. Is that short for something?”

“Cassius,” he said.

“He was one of Shakespeare’s characters from Julius Caesar, wasn’t he? A conspirator against Caesar.”

“Yes.” His smile was pleased. “You read Shakespeare?”

“Community College. My professor has a love affair with Shakespeare.” She blushed at her words, and looked back to find Joseph smiling slightly.

“Cass is a big fan of the classics,” he said. “You two will find common interests.”

Cass made a small noise of surprise in his throat, but when she’d turned back to him, his face showed no distress.

“What are you majoring in?”


“Ah, a writer.” His brown eyes went liquid with interest.

She smiled. “I guess.”

“What type of journalist are you aiming for?”

“I haven’t decided yet. I’d love to have some kind of column, in a paper you know, nothing specific, just someplace where I could write about whatever came to mind.”

“It sounds satisfying.”

“It is.” She was amazed to feel herself relaxing, beginning to enjoy Cass’s company.

“I’ve always wished I could write,” he said wistfully, “but I can’t seem to make the words come out right. I stick to poetry.”

“Oh, you’re a poet?”

He shrugged. “Somewhat. No Frost, of course.”

“Few of us are.”

“Maybe you will be.” His smile was an expression both warm and sad. “The journalist’s version, of course.”

She laughed, brushing off the odd desire she had to put a comforting arm around him. There was something about him that brought out the desire to protect and be protected. “Sure, maybe.”

She stiffened as she felt cold fingers close over her wrist. “Do you mind?” she asked Joseph icily, but he held fast.

“Cass is impressed by that sort of thing,” he said mildly, drawing her nearer to him, until she was so close she could feel his breath trickle out in soft whispers. “But now me.”

She held herself stiff, trying unsuccessfully to steady the quiver in her breath, and the quickened pace of her heart that was not—to be honest—all from nerves. “Just what are you impressed by?” she asked, then cursed herself mentally for playing into his game.

A lazy smile crossed his lips, lingering in his brilliant eyes. “I’ll bet you could guess,” he murmured, pulling her closer still, “if you tried very hard.” His hand slipped around the back of her neck and he reached up for her lips.

Overhead, heavy drumbeats throbbed and jagged voices screamed grunge rock. The smell of beer and cigarettes mixed with body sweat. Dinah was aware of none of it. From the first instant Joseph’s lips closed over hers, she knew nothing but him. Even Cass was forgotten. Her fright vanished under the persuasive pressure of his mouth, and she opened to him. She heard a low moan that must have come from her, and his tongue slipped into her mouth to stroke hers. Shuddery chills tripped through her body, settling into a hot, fluttering pack deep in her, throbbing. She lost herself to him.

His body felt cold against her warmth. She pressed herself against him, wanting to share her heat with him. He took his mouth from hers and ran it down to kiss open-mouthed at her throat. Her neck arched back to reveal its slender length to him, and she breathed in his scent, his rich dark scent, sly, sleek, secretive. Like, she thought, a cat back from hunting. Or one still on the prowl.

She uttered a small protest when he eased her away. But as soon as there was a distance between them, her head cleared. She stared at him, the man who had kissed her, and she shivered at his vaguely amused smile. What kind of man could spend hours kissing a man, and then leave a girl breathless? What kind of girl would allow herself to be left breathless by such a man?

Across the room, Kris caught her eye. Dinah flushed as she saw the shock there. Kate wasn’t even looking at her, but her face was seeped with disgust.

“I should go,” she said, half-rising.

Neither Cass nor Joseph made room for her to get by them.

“I have to get back to my friends.” She fought the anxiety rolling in her. “Can you just let me past? Cass?”

He shot her a long, sorrowful glance, then looked back at Joseph. Joseph caught her hand and yanked her back into her seat. “Not yet,” he said dispassionately.

“But---” “Shut up and have a drink.”

She caught the mug he shoved across the table at her, and beer sloshed over the rim and onto her hands.

Joseph and Cass’s gazes were locked, ice blue to warm brown. Joseph said softly, “It’s your choice.”

Cass looked at Dinah. Her heart beat a tattoo inside her chest. She understood. She didn’t know how she knew, but she did know, terrified, that something had just passed between them, and now she had been placed in Cass’s hands. “Cass?” Her voice trembled. “What’s going on?”

His eyes were gentle. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” she demanded.

He raised a slender, narrow hand to stroke her cheek. One long finger traced her jaw line. His hands were white, the blue veins just visible. “Have you ever wondered,” he said softly, “what life really is?”

“What?” The light trailing of his fingers over her face distracted her, and was suddenly more arousing than anything Joseph had done. “No.”

“I wonder all the time. Sometimes I think that life just means you’re walking the earth and that you’re breathing. But sometimes I think it must be something more complex, more intricate. More lovely. Maybe you have to feel alive. Maybe you have to be aware of the life singing through your veins, of your heart chanting.”

His black hair gleamed around his face. Dinah had an overwhelming urge to touch and see if it could really be as soft as it looked. She yielded, let her fingers reach and brush through his hair. It was as smooth as cool satin, flowing water like through her fingers.

Cass leaned to her, hands framing her face, eyes falling closed, and he kissed her. His lips were feather-light over hers, barely touching her, yet bringing all of her into tune with him. She felt herself fall into him, hands sliding to his shoulders, hands circling his neck, slipping deeper to tangle in his hair.

In another minute Joseph was pulling her away from Cass and into his arms. She surrendered to him as though she had done it a thousand times before, giving whatever he demanded, begging with hunger equal to his. His mouth took hers hard this time, savage, while his hands ran over her body, over her midriff that was bared by the small top. They raced up under the material to cover her chest, his mouth still devouring hers.

It was Cass who laid kisses over her cheek and jaw, down her neck. She shivered but wasn’t cold, was burning with desire for not one, but both of them.

As of one mind, they moved back, like animals moving back from a kill they knew they had secured. Joseph stood up and Cass followed. They would leave her, she thought, and, breathless and sagging in the booth, she didn’t know whether she was disappointed or relieved. Then Cass took her hand and pulled her up.


“Shh.” He laid a light hand on her back, guiding her after Joseph.

“This is crazy,” she said, but it was half-hearted. If she was honest with herself, all she wanted was to go with them.

They passed the table where only a quarter of an hour before she had sat with her two friends. She looked away now from Kate and Kris’s looks, ignored Kris’s soft, “Dinah.”

Outside in the street, she clung to Cass’s hand while Joseph hailed a cab. She refused to let reason crash in. This was her fantasy. She was damn well going to dream it through.

Then, in the backseat, they both set in again on her and she had not space left in her mind for thoughts not of shuddering delight.

The cab stopped in front of an old apartment building, and they led her up the steps, into the elevator, down a hallway, into a small apartment. She had no chance to see any of the room, for they herded her into the bedroom like two ravenous wolves with their newfound lamb.

Joseph gave several quick rips at her clothing, and it fell free, and she stood, naked, shivering, wondering how he’d managed that. Both Joseph and Cass stepped back from her. Unnerved by their stares, she folded her arms around herself, suddenly shy, and stood in the middle of the bedroom, wearing only high heels. The room around her was ivory-walled with red curtains, oak furniture, and a black king-sized bed.

Her gaze darted back to the two men and found Joseph staring at her fixedly with an unconcealed hunger burning in his eyes. His lips parted in a predatory expression and a low growl rumbled from his throat.

Cass laid a hand on his arm. “Not yet,” he reminded softly.

“I know,” Joseph, said, his voice angry. He grimaced. And then—Dinah stared in shock—two teeth slid down. Two long, slender, tapered fangs overlapping his canines.

“Joseph, not yet,” Cass said again.

This time it was a snarl he emitted, and he whirled on Cass, one hand grabbing his shoulder the other fisting in his hair, yanking his head to one side. His mouth leapt to the revealed neck. Dinah gave a little cry as she heard the sickening sound of teeth crunching into flesh. Joseph’s throat worked rapidly with his swallows. Cass winced but didn’t move, just draped one arm around Joseph.

When Joseph raised his head, blood dripped from his lips, coated his bared teeth. His tongue slid around the teeth, licked it off his lips. His eyes, clear again now, settled on Dinah. She stood motionless, head light, as he advanced on her. His hands settled on her bare shoulders, and she almost gasped; his hands were warm now. “Joseph?” she whispered.

His face softened. His arms drew her near and he cradled her like a child, hands soothing over her hair and down her back, his voice murmured unknown words into her ear.

It was Cass who broke the embrace. He took Dinah’s hand, brought her wrist to his lips. His brown eyes caught hers. His fangs slid down. He felt her shudder when they pierced the soft skin, but he knew it didn’t hurt. He slurped gently at the blood, far from the fierce demand Joseph had wrought on him, the kind of feeding that brought pain. He took only a little of her blood, then slid the fangs back into their sheaths in the roof of his mouth, all the while keeping his eyes on hers. So long as he kept her locked in his gaze, he could keep her from slipping into the faint her body longed for, its refuge against the jarring shock. And she had such beautiful eyes, he thought, large and green and as long-lashed as his. Her red hair spilled over her shoulders to twine with his.

He almost regretted that he had agreed to this. It was to be simple at first. One more woman to be found in an abandoned apartment, her naked body riddled by odd bite marks, her veins empty. But Joseph had seen his interest. Cass had liked her. He had wanted to know more about her. Now he would have forever to learn, as Joseph had given him forever.

Dinah shuddered when Cass released her wrist and Joseph took it up. He too held her eyes as he drank from her, and this time, he was gentle. She didn’t know that she trusted his gentle actions, or his blue gaze. The eyes were the windows to the soul. His were frosted over with ice as thick as Antarctica.

But it was he who was kissing her now, picking her up and lowering her onto the bed, pressing her into the quilts, lips running over her body. She moaned, she shuddered, and her fear was forced away by desire. Cass was with them now, and when she reached to touch one of them she never knew who she reached. Piece by piece their own clothing slid off until it was three bare skins sliding together like one skin. She lay with them, seeing their paleness beside her tanned body, not believing, but knowing.

“Now,” Joseph said, trailing a finger over the back of Dinah’s neck as she slept an exhausted sleep. His eyes went to Cass’s.

“Do you really want her?” Cass asked.

“Don’t you?”

“She’s so young,” he sighed.

“So were you. So was I, once.” Joseph shifted closer to him, leaning over Dinah’s body. “You want her. I want her. We’ve been alone for too long.” “I know.” Cass looked down and his gaze lingered over the girl’s eyelids, wondering what dreams spun through her head. “I do want her.” Another sigh. “’Innocent blood we spill, and guilt-laden blood be our absolution. But shall we be absolved? Or to hell’s fiery pits must we be condemned? Cries in the night may be ecstasy, or might they be the moan of an innocent heart crashing to sin below?’”

Joseph’s won sigh was half-amusement. “God, I love your Catholic conscience.”

“Because you have no conscience.”

“Precisely.” His gaze shifted back to Dinah. “Now.”

Floating in the sea of the waters of slumber, Dinah felt the hands moving over her body, waking her. She drifted back regretfully, but when she came awake to find them both kissing her, Cass at her throat and Joseph slanting his mouth over hers, she could not be sorry. She arched, eager for them again.

Her eyes flew open as Cass’s fangs pierced her neck and he began slurping. There was nothing light about it. He slurped hard, intently. She tried to push him away, but he was made of stone. She tried to cry out, but Joseph’s mouth silenced her cruelly. He released her, clamping his hand over her mouth instead, and his own mouth fell to the other side of her neck. His teeth sliced into her. Terror laced through her veins, then pain, as they drew the blood out of her. Slowly, she felt herself growing weaker, until she lay unable to move.

Their faces rose into view, Joseph’s unchanging, Cass’s anxious, both sets of lips stained red with her blood. Cassius leaned to Joseph and sank his fangs into his throat, then drew back. Blood trickled down Joseph’s neck and chest. He laid himself over Dinah, positioned so that the cut dripped blood onto her lips.

“No.” Her voice was hoarse, shaking, as she understood. The blood slipped between her lips into her mouth. She closed her eyes, turned her head away.

“You’ll die,” he said coldly, forcing her head back and her lips open to let more of the hot liquid into her mouth. She tasted it, sweet, rich, tangy, and burning. She swallowed it. And then she couldn’t stop herself from swallowing the next mouthful. Or from latching her lips on his throat when he lowered himself, slurping, swallowing.

When he drew away, it was only to open Cass’s throat so the younger could move over her and offer his blood. She drank from him, then again from Joseph, and again Cass, all that they would give her. Then she shuddered as they came over her together again and reopened the wounds at her throat. She lay still, lost in a world of floating dreams as the edges of her vision began to blur, then darken. Then the world went black.

SLOWLY, DINAH FELT herself rise out of a blank, gray world of fog. She did not want to leave this world, but fought to stay blanketed in its concealment, away from feeling, away from thinking, away from knowing. But slowly, she rose.

She woke in someone’s arms. Her eyes struggled open and looked up into the delicate face of a beautiful man. He smiled gently down at her, and long, silky black hair brushed the sides of his face. He stroked a light hand over her cheek. “Good morning,” he said softly.

“Morning?” Her voice felt rough and gravelly in her throat. Blurry eyes stared. She lay in this man’s arms on a black bed, in a small bedroom shaded in burgundy, black, and ivory. “What is this? Where am I?” Her mind was thick like the fog she’d rolled out of.

“Do you remember anything?”

“No. Who—?”

“Cass?” he prodded.

She shook her head, and then winced at the pain that echoed in it like marbles rolling around in an empty glass vase. “I don’t—I don’t remember. Please—what—”

“It’s all right,” he soothed, brushed his hand through her red hair. “You’ll remember. Do you want to get up?”

“I—yes.” She took his hand and let him pull her up into a sitting position. Her stiff body ached when she tried to stretch it.

The room was dark—why could she see everything perfectly?—because heavy red and black curtain were drawn over the two windows. She could feel the sunlight behind them. She could smell it. It smelled burnt and offensive.

Frowning, she looked back at the man. “I want to know what is going on here, and I want to know now.”

“Of course,” he began, and started to continue, but there was a soft click from the door of the bedroom as it opened. Another man stepped quietly in, this one taller and older than the first. His face was Latin with curly brown hair brushed easily back to brush the base of his neck in the back and blue eyes that were as cold as a clear January sky. Dinah’s eyes locked on his and they stared. Like the devastating sweep of floodwaters, she felt the crash of remembrance. She fell back into Cass’s arms, choking on a scream that wouldn’t quite sound.

“You’re awake.” Heedless of her fright, Joseph crossed the room and sat on the bed’s edge beside her. “Good.”

“What did you—did you do to me?”

“I bet you can guess.”

“Jo,” Cass said chidingly, but fell silent when Joseph’s warning glance touched him.

“Am I—?” Dinah broke off, a chill shuddering over her skin, the skin that she was just beginning to notice was icy cold. Was she what? She couldn’t finish the thought, because if she gave words to it, even in her mind, she would be insane.

She dragged in a deep breath. As the breath hit her lungs, so did a deep-anchored hunger that rumbled in the pit of her stomach. It built too rapidly for thought, all but making her keel over with its strength.

Cass reached for her as she panted in agony, but Joseph took her in his arms and brought her to him. His hand slid under her chin and tilted it up. “Do you understand?” he asked.

She stared at him, dazed. “What?”

With a muffled curse, he cupped the back of her neck and pressed her face to his bare throat. Startled, she tried to pull back, but he held her fast. Then she heard it. The slow, steady beating of his heart, the pounding rush of blood through his veins. She whimpered as a throbbing ache settled into the top front row of her teeth, just above her canines. She felt the sleek movement there, and two slender fangs slid down. Her tongue touched them tentatively, darting to their points, then ducking back to hide from them. But she understood, and the sudden blur of comprehension sent a thrill like excitement through her blood.

The hunger built into tension, and she no longer hesitated. She knew what to do. Her hands came up to clasp behind Joseph’s neck. Her mouth opened, teeth resting against his throat, and his skin shivered deliciously under her touch.

She felt Cass’s hands on her shoulders, comforting, urging. Cass, her brother; Joseph, her master; both lovers. Each of them belonged to the other two. As before there had been two, now there would be three who would love, live, and be.

Her fangs sank into his flesh and the blood rushed her mouth.

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11 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 11

Sat Jan 24, 2009 9:34 pm
Hannah Fraser wrote a review...

I review by telling you how I, the reader, feel about the story.
I give it a thousand stars!
I want more, more, more!
I liked the tone and the flow of the setting. I didn't find any confusing parts in the story and it was very self explained.
I felt that it had the right amount of tension and romance.
Wowie wowie, I hope there is more to this story and if there is I can't wait to read it!
Hope I was helpful and if I wasn't I'm sorry!

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Points: 890
Reviews: 3

Sun Jul 13, 2008 2:22 am
lex says...

i enjoy reading it,really!

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15 Reviews

Points: 1286
Reviews: 15

Mon Jun 09, 2008 8:12 pm
Lady of Fire says...

wow, i got shivers down my spine. this was soo good. i don't care how long ago it was posted, if it can send sivers up and down the spine twelve times, it's a good story.

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114 Reviews

Points: 1894
Reviews: 114

Mon Jun 09, 2008 4:17 am
RoryLegend wrote a review...

I read this story a while ago and I really liked it, I thought it was really interesting and well written. There was a lot of risk in some of the parts that you wrote which made it good. I thought you executed the feeling and the detail perfectly. Also I liked that the vampires overpowered her more than she just went along with it. They practically forced her out the door. I don't know, I thought it was a good element. I would really like it if you continued this story. I am always interested in how different people percieve the vampire world. I think a lot of people have a set rule that they follow and sometimes it can get cliche and I want to know how you think they would act and live like. I also want to know your version of her process of becoming a vampire. Sorry if this seems a little to much like I'm prying, but I have tried writing vampire stories before and I always feel like they are too cliche because it is so hard to not use elements from other people's stories. Anyways good job, keep writing!

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7 Reviews

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Reviews: 7

Mon Jun 09, 2008 1:51 am
lit-chick-4evva wrote a review...

I thought this was a really good have great diction, and it was unpredictable. Yet, i understodd what was going on. Very nice work. :)

Well, I found a few punctuation errors though. Here's one:
*quote* His face was Latin with curly brown hair brushed easily back to brush the base of his neck in the back and blue eyes that were as cold as a clear January sky *end quote*

I personally think you should add a few commas here and there, or break it into a few smaller, more comprehensible sentences. Like this:

His face was Latin with curly brown hair, that was easily swept back at the base of his slender neck. His eyes were blue and cold, just like a clear January sky.

Hope this helps!!


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18 Reviews

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Reviews: 18

Sun Jun 08, 2008 1:13 am
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Wonderful! Intoxicating! I couldn't stop reading! There were a few grammar and spelling issues but other then that... GREAT JOB!!

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250 Reviews

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Reviews: 250

Fri Jun 06, 2008 2:21 pm
Night Mistress says...

Wow! this was...interesting. i hope you continue it. this was really good.

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842 Reviews

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Sun Jun 01, 2008 7:38 pm
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ashleylee wrote a review...

umm WOW! This was really REALLY good! :D You are an AMAZING writer.

Gosh, I feel unwanted as I am out of a job. There is nothing to correct in here. I have nothing to say to fix because everything is SO good! :wink:

Well, I'm guessing that this is only one piece and you won't continue it....which makes me really, REALLY sad! :(

But, if you ever to choose to continue it, PLEASE PM me because I would love to read more of your work. This piece was simply divine :wink:

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38 Reviews

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Reviews: 38

Sat May 31, 2008 2:54 am
C.J. Mustang wrote a review...

Holy crap, I loved it! I honestly didn't find anything wrong with it, but I don't think this would be considered rated 'R'. Now, if you had more description of what went on in the bedroom, about what Dinah felt when Cass and Joseph were on top of her, then it would probably be considered rated 'R'. I totally loved it, though! Let me know when you write more to it, okay? It was totally awesome!

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245 Reviews

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Reviews: 245

Thu May 29, 2008 9:14 pm
Firearris wrote a review...

DINAH HAD BEEN watching them all night. She couldn't help it, couldn't hold back her fascination.
I know how in novels they sometime shave this at the beginning of every chapter, but I don’t think you should have it put like this. Maybe try a different font, or maybe bold and italics…

had a strong Latin face surrounded by shoulder-length, curly brown hair. In a pale face, his eyes were shockingly blue. The other man had a more delicate appearance, enhanced by waist-length black hair that gleamed silky in the low lights. His face had something of beauty to it, and soft charcoal lashes fringed his almond-shaped brown eyes.
I like the details you included in this, but be sure not to tell too much, show.

She wove through the crowd, red hair swinging, just one more tall, narrow-waisted, full-chested girl in a room full of them.
Waisted and Chested aren’t words, maybe re-write this sentence? I don’t see much point in the part pretty much saying she is alike all the others in there, but if you are to re-write it, Something like: “She wove her way through the crowd, hair swinging; just another tall girl with a narrow waist and full chest.” I'm not so good at coming up with new lines ><

She was gathering the drinks when she felt the tap on her shoulder and spun around to see the younger of the two men she'd been watching.
“Spun around” This is used so much in so many stories! :lol: She was gathering the drinks…if she spun around, she would probably drop or spill some, so maybe add to that, or maybe change to something like “She felt the tap on her shoulder and turned around…” Again, not good with new lines.

"Cass is a big fan of the classics," he said. "You two will find common interests."
Quite a coincidence that Cass likes Shakespeare and also has a name from one of the characters…

"I've always wished I could write," he said wistfully, "but I can't seem to make the words come out right. I stick to poetry."
He. Capital H =P

Her neck arched back to reveal its slender length to him, and she breathed in his scent, his rich dark scent, sly, sleek, secretive. Like, she thought, a cat back from hunting. Or one still on the prowl.
maybe: his rich dark scent, sly, sleek, and secretive

Across the room, Kris caught her eye. Dinah flushed as she saw the shock there. Kate wasn't even looking at her, but her face was seeped with disgust.
Okay, this just now started bugging me. Maybe you should change one of the names to something that doesn’t start with K?

"But---" "Shut up and have a drink."
”Shut up and have a drink.” He interrupted,

You want her. I want her. We've been alone for too long." "I know."

“You want her. I want her. We’ve been alone for too long.”
“I know.”

Again, the suggestion I made at the beginning.

Am I—?" Dinah broke off, a chill shuddering over her skin,

Woo! Okay, this was great! I like the detail you included through-out the story, and also you did pretty well not to tell to much, but to show! But nothing is perfect, there are things that need to be fixed. I suggest making the changes I gave and the changes others gave, then repost this in this same topic, maybe edit the title to say you have the revised one in here, or make a new topic and post the revised with a title like “Revised: My Master, My Love.” But I really enjoyed this story, and I think you should hold on to it, work on it, improve, keep reposting it until the readers can’t find anymore mistakes. But yeah, this was a great bone-chilling-romance story. :D I look forward to reading more of your works, and critiquing them also. If/when you repost this, PM me please, and I’ll read through again and look for any other mistakes I can find. Don’t drop this story, it has great potential!


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29 Reviews

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Reviews: 29

Sun May 25, 2008 1:35 am
LilyReagan says...

OMG! Wow. i'm pretty impressed! You're writing is great, your description is flavorful, and your plot is really creative!

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Mon May 12, 2008 9:43 pm
Elora says...

It was well written but try to invest in some line breaks. I give this story a 9 out 10. Very good story line it held my interest which is hard to do.

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31 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 31

Tue May 06, 2008 3:12 pm
soconfused4512 says...

i really enjoyed rreading this story is it to be a sequel? If so PLEASE keep me posted

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136 Reviews

Points: 2952
Reviews: 136

Tue May 06, 2008 12:44 pm
Leahweird wrote a review...

Wow this really is amsing, despite the lack of paragraph breaks. No one's comented on it, but there is an empty line after the shakespeare conversation that was most likely unintentional. The joseph says "But now me" when it probably should be "But not me".

Otherwise, I have nothing to say.

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110 Reviews

Points: 1844
Reviews: 110

Tue May 06, 2008 12:27 pm
TNCowgirl says...

You guys, Mattie hasn't been on in ages. Just wanted to let you know. It's a great story, really is, but Mattie hasn't been on and can't keep going. :'(

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142 Reviews

Points: 1825
Reviews: 142

Tue May 06, 2008 2:46 am
Bella wrote a review...

I really did like this a lot, although I have one comment.

Near the end, you mention Dinah hearing Joseph's heart beat.

If he's a vampire, does he have a heartbeat?

Just something to think about. I have no idea. It depends on the writer, I suppose.

Good job!

Merry Writing!


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Points: 690
Reviews: 1

Mon May 05, 2008 8:34 pm
idontknow says...

This was really good-kinda creepy but really good.I like the title...But yeah-keep on writing...

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150 Reviews

Points: 5214
Reviews: 150

Fri May 02, 2008 4:14 am
Ross says...

This is very good. It was erotic in a way, but managed not to be graphic. There's rarely a story like that!

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31 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 31

Wed Apr 30, 2008 11:00 pm
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soconfused4512 says...

i am with STARGAZER14 I LOVE THIS write more on it PLEASE just PLEASE keep me posted

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41 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 41

Wed Apr 30, 2008 9:31 pm
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coryab222 says...

Woah! That was the best thing I have read on YWS. That was so good!

Great, great, great job! Are you going to continue writing this or was it a one-shot?

Either way, awesome!

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110 Reviews

Points: 1844
Reviews: 110

Mon Mar 24, 2008 4:04 pm
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TNCowgirl says...

Mattie hasn't been on for a while.

I thought it was good. If I had been on when it was posted I would've replied. Twas sad only one person did until Star pulled it out of dead.

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Points: 740
Reviews: 22

Mon Mar 24, 2008 2:36 pm
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corey mcdermith wrote a review...

incredible job. i am impressed by your ability to write. i am not exactly what one would call a professional, but i know a good book when i see one, and i jsut read one. you did an incredible job adn should be very proud of this work of art. Good luck with it and keep it going.

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28 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 28

Mon Mar 10, 2008 11:55 pm
Aly_Tobias says...

I love it but you kinda need to space it better and there are a few unneccesary commas in your writing. At the moment I admit that I'm too lazy to point them out.

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58 Reviews

Points: 1090
Reviews: 58

Mon Mar 10, 2008 9:21 pm
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keirab wrote a review...

This was so good! You want to know how good it was? SO good that even though it wasn't spaced out at all, I read the whole thing. :D Which is something I don't do often!

I loved how you took an old, semi-unoriginal idea and made it into something completely new and contemporary and extremely believable. A million thumbs up!

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15 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 15

Sat Mar 08, 2008 11:45 pm
cloudy.skiesx wrote a review...

Woah....I just couldn't stop reading..!

Really grabs your attention...3 years old or not..woah.

I just noticed somewhere at the beginning I think you put "lasses" and I think you meant "glasses"

And it was all a big chunk so a bit hard to read which is annoying when you are REALLY interested

in where the story is going !

Amazing x

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Points: 890
Reviews: 27

Sat Mar 08, 2008 4:55 am
Moony says...

it doesn't matter when this was posted I like it and its about time it was finally talked about

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1258 Reviews

Points: 6090
Reviews: 1258

Sat Mar 08, 2008 4:38 am
Sam says...

Hey, guys--check the dates. This was posted more than three years ago.

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108 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 108

Sat Mar 08, 2008 4:30 am

This was VERRY well written.
And a very interesting story.

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695 Reviews

Points: 2242
Reviews: 695

Sat Mar 08, 2008 12:31 am
Angel of Death says...

This is romantic in a scary way. I couldn't stop reading this was fantastic!! I loved every minute of this. :D

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387 Reviews

Points: 1254
Reviews: 387

Fri Mar 07, 2008 10:57 pm
yoha_ahoy wrote a review...

First of all, put a space between wour paragraphs. It's easier to read then. Typo: "...sitting with their elbows on the tabletop, gazing into glasses of beer that they didn’t touch." Good decriptions of the characters. Enough to give an image, but enough left to imagination as well. I like the semi-clicheness of the characters. Though you might take that as good or bad. Good dialogue. Quite believeable.

Okay, I think you should explain a bit more or something when he grabs her wrist. The emotions and dialogue do a 180 and I had to read it a couple times to know what was happening. It's just confusing and a bit blurry.

The bedroom with oak furniture and red curtains is sooo cliche. It would be a lot more believable if it was a normal city apartment.

Otherwise, awesome!! I loved this! Great short story. Keep writing! ;)

~Yoyo 8)

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582 Reviews

Points: 1068
Reviews: 582

Fri Mar 07, 2008 8:59 pm
KJ wrote a review...

This was... great. Great hook, great dialogue, great description, everything. It held my attention and for once I wasn't bored. I love these kind of stories. I eagerly await for more.

I actually think I read this a while ago on TYWC. But it's still just as good and I don't mind reading it a second time!

Just one thing: It was hard to read. You may want to put some spaces between paragraphs. My eyes kind of hurt.

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83 Reviews

Points: 909
Reviews: 83

Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:50 pm

iimleft without wordsa....i can not think of a single thing to say, im so awestruck! i loved it!beautiful!!!!!

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Points: 890
Reviews: 27

Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:26 pm
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Moony says...


this was the greatest thing I have read this week

sorry other people

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203 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 203

Fri Mar 07, 2008 6:57 pm
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October Girl says...

WOW... I'll tell you what a good way.


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220 Reviews

Points: 1478
Reviews: 220

Fri Mar 07, 2008 6:44 pm
Sleeping Valor wrote a review...

o.O The title got my attention, the unbroken mass of text made my eyes go crossed. >.< If you could break the text up a bit more, then I could come back and replace this with a nice crit. :wink:

*bookmarks it* I'll be back!

^_^ Keek!

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14 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 14

Fri Mar 07, 2008 6:33 pm
STARGAZER14 says...

this was awsome I really really loved this it was interesting and a few parts sent chills down my body but all in all it was a magnificent story, a true novel please write more to this I was completely mesmorized wow!

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13 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 13

Sun Mar 06, 2005 12:30 am
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VoraciousReader_545 wrote a review...

I love it! Now let's see if I can get some critique in *browses story*

[quote]You: She felt her green eyes go wide with chagrin and she looked quickly away. '

Okay, I hate when people use 'go wide'. I don't know but for some reason it just bothers me and I can't stand it. Here's how it should be or how you could have it. Oh and 'looked quickly away' could be. Oh and I added something:

[i] She felt her green eyes widen with chagrin and she quickly looked away, embarrassed that she had looked in the first place.

You *ahem* COULD use it.. or not.

Use it or die. hehe :twisted:

That's all I got; there are a few spelling mistakes and more grammar mistakes but I just wanted to point out the grammar mistake that always gets on my nerves.


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