I’m in a strange room; it’s filled with a darkness so think and pressing I can’t distinguish its features, but it somehow seems familiar. I’m standing in one spot, afraid to move in case I bump into something. My breath is coming in quick gasps; and I can’t repress the feeling of terror. I feel like I’m suffocating, as the overwhelming forces choke me from all around. A loud creak and a scratchy, deep voice break the silence. “Yes. She is the one.” I hold my breath in panic, hoping I won’t be discovered. There’s something dark and foreboding in that voice, and I know that if I’m found things won’t go well for me. The voice is growing quieter and I have to strain to listen. “It will work quite well on the simpleton in mind; I am sure to be successful.” Silence. Then, the voice speaks once more, in a whisper, having received no answer. “Soon…it will be soon…” I can barely make it out, and as I lean forward to where the speaker seems to be coming from, I lose my balance and fall…just as I feel the dark floor yawning up to meet me I suddenly find myself on my bed, gasping in awestruck horror. It had been my most vivid dream yet.
Chapter 1
EDITED:
“Well, I have to catch my taxi or I won’t make my flight,” I hear my dad calling as I hurriedly grab some jeans and throw on the first T-shirt my hands grasp. “Coming!” I yell back, flustered. I hate to admit it, but I’m a little nervous that he’s leaving me alone again. I haven’t told him about my creepy nightmares – I don’t have time to go to ‘therapy’ for my problems, and that’s what most single dads would do. At least, mine was bound to do that being a hard-working business man and all. Ever since mom left…
“Melody!” Dad’s impatient shout breaks my train of thought and I grab my backpack and a brush before running down our soft, tan carpeted stairs two at a time. I drop my backpack by the door and am enveloped in a huge bare hug from dad. That’s one thing nice about him; even if he’s in a hurry, or wearing a suit, he always still has time to give me a hug. I return the hug, asking, “How long are you going to be gone?”
“About a week. But I’ll try to make it back in five,” he adds. My face must show my downcast spirit. I have a lot going on, and beside my friends, dad was the only person in the world I cared about. Since I had grown up with him alone, I’m rather a ‘daddy’s girl’, and even though I’m fourteen now, I still need a parent some of the time. At least one parent.
“Hey,” dad murmurs shaking me gently, “Mrs. Hingham will be coming by every afternoon to make sure you’re doing OK.” I nod. Mrs. Hingham’s our next door neighbor. She’s a nice old lady, rather quiet since her husband’s death last spring, but she always brings cookies or food to ‘help out’. It does help; I have enough to do with school, choir, and tennis to be worry about making meals everyday, which I’d had to do since I could walk. Well, not literally, but you know what I mean.
Anyway, Mrs. Hingham is nice and all, but she doesn’t really care about me. She’s sweet and kind, but I’m only another number on the list of people she cares for. She babysits, brings food, and cleans for half the people on our street. It ‘gives her something to do.’
Back to the present, which seems to be becoming harder and harder since my disturbing dreams. “You feeling OK, sweetie?” Dad sounds concerned. I force a smile. “I’m great!” I lie, trying to sound upbeat. “Love you.” He looks me in the eye, so I know it’s not just ritual. “Love you too, Songbird,” he mutters gruffly, using my special nickname, before he turns to pick up his briefcase and head out the door.
After he leaves, I walk quickly to the kitchen, brushing my hair as I go. The buss will be here in a few minutes. I find a plate of donuts, dad’s special good-bye treat, and grab one, munching it as I zip up my leather boots. These boots are the envy of my classmates: black, with a slight wedge heal, and tassels running down the side by the zip. And real leather. A loud honk sounds outside. The bus is here.
“Remember to stay away from that book, Melody,” Mr. Linden, my history teacher tells me as I leave his class. It’s my last class of the day, and all I have to do is check out some books from the school library for my dumb Civil War assignment. Mr. Linden’s kind of a creep. He’s a new teacher, started last semester, and nobody really likes him. He’s tall, with icy blue eyes that look mean - I swear they could practically stab someone with their venom- salt and pepper hair, and he’s thinner then a rake. The worst thing is the way his eyes never seem to settle on anything for more then a few seconds. They’re constantly flitting about the room, the way a fly darts around. And sometimes when he looks at you, you’ve gotta wonder if he actually sees you. His eyes glaze over and…ugh! The thought is freaking me out.
Anyhow, you can imagine I was a little, “Eh,” when he started asking me to remain after class, one day, a few weeks ago, and almost every day since ‘reminded me’ about some book, called the…Myschae, I think it was. He really didn’t explain much about the book, other then going on about it being ‘extremely dangerous’ how so, I’d like to know. The whole thing’s a little weird. Why would I care if some random book is so-called dangerous or not? And if he’s so worried about it, why not just tell dad? Dad’s the librarian book dude after all, not me. I told him that, but his excuse was that dad was going to be gone for a week and some jibber-jabber about the Myschae being even more ‘dangerous’ when he was gone. Or something like that.
And here he is again, creeping on me. “Ignore it when you come across it, my dear, or you will regret it.” He says it in a false voice, sugar coated but with a threat behind it. And who is he to call me “my dear”? Sheesh!
“Don’t worry about it, I won’t be touching it, so you can chillax.” I can’t resist an undertone of sarcasms, and barely restrain a laugh as I notice his tiny brain trying to perceive it. Suspicion glares in his awful, terrifying eyes, and for an instant he seems to tower taller then ever. I fake a smile to set him at ease, and with a casual swagger saunter down the hall.
Turning the corner I bump into Randolph Connors, one of the most popular boys in school aside from the fact that people sing him “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” morphing the well-known Christmas song into “Randolph the Brown-Eyed Hottie” on account of his chocolate brown eyes.
He’s on the football team, tall, muscular, blah, blah, blah. Supposedly half the girls in school are in love with him, but I just can’t see anything in him to impress. In theory he’s handsome enough, with his famous eyes and matching curly brown hair, which gives him an irresistible little-boy appearance that is rather dashing… but really…I dunno. He’s not that nice. No. Take that back. He’s nice, but has no real character. All he talks about is sports, parties, and making fun of teachers. Bo-ring.
I suddenly realize I’m standing looking up at him, thinking this, and he probably thinks that I’m gazing at his beauty. Embarrassing! I glance away, feeling a blush heating my face. He grins, and steps aside with “Ladies first,” and a pretend bow. “Thanks,” I mutter, feeling my flush recede somewhat now that the encounter is over. Whew!
I forget about Randolph as I step into the school library. If you hadn’t guessed, I’m a bit of a nerd – I love my books. The tall shelves and scent of books basking in the light from the huge windows lining one length of the room calms my frayed nerves, rubbed raw from last night’s disturbing dream, dad leaving, Mr. Linden, and now Randolph. I heave an enormous sigh, which sounds loud in the studious silence.
Rosie Berne, one of the school librarians, is at the counter. She greets me pleasantly, her huge blue eyes sparkling merrily, and I reply, before quickly escaping down an aisle. Rosie is one of the sweetest people on the planet, but she has a tendency to talk, and talk, and talk. She acts likes she’s my aunt or something. Not even kidding. I do like having someone older then most of my friends –yes, I consider Rosie a friend- to talk to once in a while, but her jabbering can get a little nosy sometimes. She’s smarter then Lu, my bestie, being old and all, well, not old, but in her thirties. Besides, she likes to listen, instead of butting in, when I want to talk, and she generally doesn’t give terrible grown-up advice.
She’s actually dating my dad – well, not technically – but it’s bound to happen sooner or later. They are totally into each other. At first I was a little harsh on Rosie; I mean, she’s the first woman dad’s been interested since mom left when I was two for no reason, and I felt a little jealous of the attention being drawn away from me. Now I realize that I want dad to be happy, and as I said, I really like Rosie. So, if the two get together, well great, although I think I’ll always feel a little sad mom never came back, like she said she would in the note she had left the day she took off.
I walk down the aisle quickly, letting go of my thoughts as I scan for books on the Civil War. Don’t ask me why I’m learning about that again. I learnt it in seventh grade, for Pete’s sake. Oh well. Looks like all the good books are nearly cleaned out; the other kids must’ve been here already. Suddenly a strange sensation passes through me. It feels pleasant, but gross at the same time, like I’m happily full, then nauseous all at once. I rub the back of my neck, perplexed, and begin making my way back to Rosie, to ask if she has any more books on the Civil War kept in a back room.
The feeling comes again, and I wonder if it’s food poisoning. I stifle a grimace, and breath easier after it passes. Rosie is looking at me in concern; she must have spotted my discomfort. Luckily she doesn’t say anything. “Hey, are there any more books on the Civil War?” I ask, cheerily. “I’ll go see,” she replies, gesturing for me to follow. I can’t help thinking that if I hadn’t spotted any, she wouldn’t either, but I follow obligingly, watching her short figure sway gracefully as she walks.
She stops at the section I had just viewed, and humming a catchy little tune, taps her finger against the board of the bookcase. She runs her finger across the rows of books, and coming across a thick, scary-looking album, she pulls it out expertly, and thumps it into my waiting hands with a triumphant grin. I give her a shocked grin in return, partly mock, partly real, as I flip through the pages quickly. There are pictures, and interesting-looking captions. It doesn’t actually look too dry or boring. “Thanks! I totally missed that,” I say, feeling somewhat sheepish.
Rosie nods, then heads back to her desk. “You know where I am if you need anything else.”
“Yep,” I reply, feeling distracted. Something just doesn’t feel right; I’m not sure what it is, but I know the library has never made me feel so uncomfortable before. Weird. I go back to the shelf where Rosie found this book, and scan it, looking for something, although I’m not sure what – I already have a good Civil War book. I walk down the rest of that row, and turn the corner into where the ancient, rare books are kept behind glass. Don’t ask why I’m here; I’ve already looked at a lot of these books, due to dad’s position has head librarian of the school, with schooling on old books, and rebinding and all.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been standing here, before I notice a book that I had previously missed. Strange how I had missed it all the other times I’ve been here. I peer at its title. It looks to be in another language, for its called “Myschae”. Why does that name sound so familiar? Pondering why I find it familiar is too much work, so I let that thought slip and instead think about asking Rosie to check it out for me. Something tells me I shouldn’t, but the temptation is too strong.
“There’s a book I’m interested in behind the glass,” I say, knowing she’ll understand I mean the old books. At my words, Rosie lets out an audible gasp, and turns pale. Why, I don’t know. She’s never shown surprise at my previous requests. Is she OK? Rosie still hasn’t said anything, and I’m just about to repeat my request, when she murmurs shakily, “OK, honey. I-I’ll be right there.” She turns from me, and I have the feeling she needs to recover…from what though?
As Rosie checks out my books, she’s very quiet and withdrawn. What’s wrong? I silently ask with my eyes, but she only avoids my gaze. “Thanks,” I say as I grab my books, still wondering about her strange behavior. As I leave the library, I here a quiet, “Be careful, darling,” but when I glance back, Rosie’s leaning over her desk, writing. I shake my head, thinking I really must be sick. First weird nausea, memory problems, and now imagining voices? Not to mention my messed-up dreams!
I just sat down on my bus seat, when Mr. Linden’s words rush back to me: ‘the Myschae is a very dangerous book that you must avoid.’ Had I just checked out the very book he told me to stay away from?
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Hey Matthew. Sorry I took so long to review you, but I am here now.
I hope you still need review on this piece because I'm excited to read this edited version and help you out.
Oops, it should be #0040BF ">'thick'.Prologue:
Well, I like the great imagery you had in here. Your writing seemed more better and the style was something I totally adore, so for me, it was great. What I'd like to warn you about, though, is that it's fun writing chapters loaded with so much of imagery and it seems very good, but over-loading is something you should avoid. I know it's a problem since I am the one who over-loads my chapters with imagery and I have a hard time deleting and simplifying some of it while editing, so I'd like to suggest that your writing should not be as plain as paper, but don't try over-complicate things, or put too much of imagery and descriptions in a poetic language. Instead of this you could actually add in other details in and around the place, but since this was a dark place it is understandable the way you wrote.
One thing that I'd like to say is that don't make your prologue one big chunk of words. Separate them as lines, other scenes and so forth as you've done in the chapter. It gets a bit mushy to read since it is already in italics and having it in big block is something that nobody would like that much.
Otherwise, I'll have to applaud you for the stride you've made in your writing. Earlier you did have imagery, descriptions but I don't think they were as vivid as this. It seemed that the story was begin rushed but now it is the opposite, so good thing it is.
On your doubts about combining it with chapter-1. I think it reads better as a prologue and the beginning you have for chapter 1 is totally opposite from this. So it is better if you let them stay separate. But if you go with this decision you should also keep in mind that not much people take the effort to read the prologue, thinking it may have something unimportant. So don't include something of the sort in the prologue that might not come in the story again but it vital to the construction of the story, both character wise and plot wise.
One advantage that you have of this prologue is that it is small and that would surely make things easier if the reader decides to read it. In little words you have indeed created a wonderful scene and that's something many of the writers fail to achieve, including me. xD!
One more important thing, that you'll have to take care of is that your prologue is based strictly on the MC's dreams. It's a common observation that many fantasy or supernatural stories begin with a dream and it is now a trite style of writing. I also started a novel with the first chapter full of a scene which later turns out to be a dream. Although it's not the same with yours, but it's advised mostly to not have openers with dreams. Many publishers, as bortobeawriter said, turn it down if your story begins with a dream.
Take care of all that when you're including this prologue in your novel. I'll review more next week since I can come only on weekends from now on. Sorry for the wait.
~Shrubs
Hey Matthews! I am sorry I'm a day late, but I had to write something important. Anyways, now that I am here I would like to help you out.

To begin with, I think it would have been better if you could have told us what exactly you were given to write. You did mention the book, so was that the task? If you had told about all that, so maybe I could have helped you a bit more, but anyways, I'll try to keep this review as I'd review some other novel.
First of all, I'm not sure why you started from here? I mean, do you have a certain word limit to keep which makes this start from a certain point? I mean, we hardly know the background. But what I would suggest you to do, if that doesn't affect the word limit much, is to maybe start with more conversation between her teacher and her. Maybe you would like to make certain things clearer from the beginning. What exactly does he say and all that. Otherwise this seems like a very direct start.
Other thing that I would like to ask is that you should mention what his dad's work is that make him for for business trips quite often and why does she get to read the books. What is his dad's position. Or else the readers would keep on wondering.
My next nit-pick would be about your character's thoughts. Her thoughts are all across the story as many others have said. And oddly enough, they're not in a particular order or sync but spread like ants. It is good to have the immediate thoughts of the characters, but you should maintain a balance between the text and the thoughts. It shouldn't be her thought diary. If you really want her thoughts to be in access and project everything she has, then maybe you could go in for first person narration since it is much easier to do, and also it is good for your readers to step into the shoes of the characters. But I read about another character in the synopsis that would be helping her out of the book, so maybe you could use double POV for him and Melody.
As for Melody, her character is a problem. I am not sure about her age, and by the way she acts it seems like she is a kid. But there's nothing specific to prove my thoughts or contradict it. I would suggest you to work on her character, the way she walks, talks, or things girls of her age(whatever that is) should think about. Or if you don't wanna indulge in all that so I would suggest you to just mention her age at a point.
Other thing that I would like to mention is about her teacher. Since this story is hugely based on his character(from the title of the book it's been inspired from) I think his character has a lot to play in the story. I would advice you to think about him also if there's nothing particular about him in the book where this has been based on. If his character in it is not what you want, then I would ask you to plan out is character for he really interests me somehow. Which is weird since we've had little of him. And to think about it, if the character interests me now, then just imagine how nice it would read when he's all developed. I would just...ask you to give him a distinctive personality. It's more of a wish, than a suggestion.
Apart from all the comments, I would like to tell you that I liked this. It was short, hence easier to review and at the same time I like the plot in itself. Even though the characters need a bit tweaking, and your descriptions are negligible, I think that you still managed to pull it off. But I seriously recommend you to work on her thoughts, characterization and things like that need a bit pushing. I can't wait to read the next chapter because your synopsis did tempt me to know how you're going to continue this.
Hope this helps,
Shrubs
Hi Matthews! Here as requested!
Add a bit of a new twist to an old subject, and you're set.
First of all, I want to say a few things about your writing style.
There's nothing really wrong with it, other than that I found it to be very repetitive in some parts, messy in others and ammeter in a few places. As an overall style, this chapter seemed to be a bit rushed-sounding, and I found myself skimming over it because there weren't really any words or phrases or [good, intentional] changes in sentence flow and structure. It's not a bad style, but it sounds like it's from one of those novella's I'd pick up off the shelf at school back in first grade.
That aside, I'm not quite sure about your plot here. A forbidden book tends to sound a bit overused, but I'm not going to elaborate on that yet as I don't actually know what the book does or why it's important. As for the lights that flickered as your MC was walking down the halls... well, I laughed at that. (Sorry, but I couldn't help it. >.<) Flickering lights are something that are very cliche and just plain cheesy. I'd take out that part entirely. But, you know, your story. Not mine.
As for your character - her thoughts are scattered everywhere, as Spitfire said. Thoughts are something that I'm very picky about in stories, because if they're not placed just right, they just don't fit with the piece at all. Yours just weren't doing that for me, as Spitfire pointed out. They were all unnatural, none were linked to each other, and they were just too quick. In other words, I second that the thoughts could be cleaned and polished up just a little.
Also, I'm not quite sure what your MC is like here - her mom ran away, she hates everybody his dad sees because she thinks that her mom's going to come back some day (or hopes she will at least) natural, but it's a bit of an overused subject. There needs to be a little more in-depth history there, and I want to see that in later chapters.
Also, from what I can understand so far (which isn't much just yet), your MC seems like that book-nerd-that-everybody-hates. I'm not quite sure if that analysis is right, but it almost seems like it is after reading this first chapter. I hope that that's not the case, and I'll warn you right now that it's cliche and Mary-Sue-ish. Just thought I'd get that out of the way now rather than later. xD
Overall, this story is one that could turn into a good read, but you need to touch up on style and plot a bit.
Onto the next chapter!
~~Ish
Also,
Hey, thanks so much for the review!!! I totally know what you mean about Melody's thoughts. I ALWAYS forget to mention what the people look like. A big fault of mine...I'll ad some more description in the places necessary. If I don't edit this right away though, it doesn't mean I won't. I have to finish this story (it'll be a Novella) for a class soon, and I want to finish it before I edit the little things. (Not saying that your points are 'little' but you know what I mean). Anyway, thanks again!
Hey Matthews! Sorry it took me so long to review :S But now that I look..you posted this the 15th of March, and still no one has reviewed.. WHAT THE HELL?!
I will rectify the situation
Okay, I'd suggest that you don't use the word mysterious. If your main character is the narrator, and they're saying that a person seems mysterious, that's one thing, but to have an omniscient narrator say something is mysterious, is kinda off. If you want us to understand that he's being mysterious, you need to make us feel it; by the way he's talking, by his reactions, not by telling us. In other words: show, don't tell.
Here I'd like to see your MC get a few more crazy ideas about the book before she thinks to actually check it out. Her thougths aren't flowing normally right now, I find. So the part in colour, I'd wait a little before putting down. Have your MC think all sorts of weird stuff and then think she'd be doing the community or world or whatever a service by doing checking out the book. Then she can decide to go take a peak, but not before.
I'm not sure you should say interrupted her thougths, as you mention later on that she bumps into him. If she bumped into him, that action would've interrupted her thougths on its own. Rather, just say that the boy yelled or something, scaring her or whichever you wish
The blue part shouldn't be in italic as that's not part of her thoughts but rather the narrator telling us how she was thinking.
I don't know if you'd wanted to intentionally withold info on her dad for later, but if not, I suggest you specify what his job is as you mention business trips later on.
All righty, finished reading. I have to say, your MC's thougths need to be taken down a notch. She seems to think of all possibilities/solutions so quickly that it doesn't seem like a natural flow of thougths. Give her a little more time to think, and make sure that her thoughts are properly linked to one another.
Aside from that, I'd just add a little more description to your characters, by their personality and physique, 'cause right now they seem to be lacking that a little.
Over all, good chapter. I'm curious to find out what the book does and why the teacher was so adamant about her not reading it.
Now, I'm hoping that once this piece pops back at the top of the review list, people will review it, as it sucks when something doesn't get reviewed
PEOPLE, REVIEW THIS!!
Hope I've helped
Spitfire