A Sleeping Disaster Chapter 2

Alban Vangette strode through the dirty streets of downtown Chicago. It was a gloomy day, and was quickly thickening into a gross night. It was the time of day everyone went inside, unless you were foolhardy or one of the gangs. He stepped quickly and with false confidence. In this part of town you had to look like you were just part of the crowd, which, sadly, he was. Eyes peered through shuttered windows, and avoiding any gaze, he walked in a nonchalant manner. A burly black man stepped across his path, blocking his way. Alban ignored him, and stepped aside to continue on his way. A large hand reached out and grabbed him by the shoulder, spinning him round to face his captor.

“Got nothing?” grunted the man.

“No sir.”

“Hmm,” a quick search yielded nothing and with a curse the man shoved Alban away and stumbled on.

Whew. Close call. Good thing I put my money in my socks. They never think to check there.

Alban had a large build for his age of twelve years. Most people took him for fifteen, which was surprising considering his ill luck in living conditions. For the past three years he had lived as a thief, his mother no longer receiving pensions from the government. He now had to beg and steal for food and money – most of which went for his mother’s addiction- valium. The former years of his life had been far from pleasant, but they had at least been livable. His mother was not a cruel woman, and they had shared their meager supplies up till she had been diagnosed with a panic disorder. He still remembered with vivid detail, the day his life went drastically downhill:

“Go check the mail,” ordered Beckah lazily.

In response Alban raced out the door and came in moments later with two envelopes. A businesslike one and a private one.

“Here, mam,” said the freckled, blue eyed kid, flatting his ‘o’.

The tall woman grabbed them and sat down on a rickety plastic chair. Glancing at the business letter, she flung it down angrily on the small kitchen table. With frantic hands she tore open the smaller letter, scrabbling for its contents. Her hands stilled, as she recognized the handwriting.

“Oh…” she moaned, “merciful beings, no…no.”

“Mam?” asked Alban fearfully, as he watched the scene from the corner of the room.

Ignoring him, Beckah continued to read through the letter, a mixture of dark emotions written across her thin face. With shaking hands she read through it twice, then sat stock-still on the chair as she took in the gravity of the message.

Suddenly a rage filled her. She stood abruptly, and taking the letter, ran towards a tin box that served as the trash can. She began ripping the paper into tiny strips, with passionate determination. Having released some of her fury and despair she swung round and stormed toward the cowering child.

Hatred darkened her piercing green eyes as she shook him by the shoulders while uttering wild words. Suddenly she went limp and staggering toward the chair sat down and wept bitterly.

A very abused and confused Alban glanced at the woman leaning against the table and walking up to her, timidly placed his hand on her arm. “I’m sorry mammy; I’m a terribly bad boy. I won’t get bad mail again, I promise.”

After that day, the “occasional” hug or kind word dissolved into “never”. Beckah Vangette had given in to her troubles instead of fighting them. She had given up caring; for herself, for Alban, for anything accept the drug that would release her from her mental pain. Of food, she ate almost nothing; it took too much effort. For this, Alban was thankful; the business letter that had come that dreadful day held the news that his mother no longer qualified for state pensions.

From this day onward Alban resorted mainly to stealing. He stole jewelry, food, money -whatever had value that he could lay his hands on. Desperation forced him to go to drastic measures.

On this particular day he was back from a successful raid at an elegant house on a ‘richie’ street. The ‘richies’ were generally good pickings, and this particular house was lax on its safety measures, so he usually got in and out easily with little hassle. He had a route chosen, but never a schedule. A schedule was a death-penalty for a thief. It meant people got suspicious and watched at certain times on certain days. No. He was not that foolhardy. At times a street went a month without a single raid – from him, that is to say – but tonight he had risked it, he had gone to the same house twice in one week.

He had no real reason, other than a yearning to see the library which had so captured his attention: it was a large, elegant room, tastefully decorated with tan carpeting, cream curtains, and off-white walls. It had a brown sofa, one hue darker than the carpet, in front of a flickering fireplace. On a glass coffee table rested several books, one of which caught his particular attention. It was called the Curaverse, a word Alban would normally have had difficulty reading, with his limited schooling, yet he read it with ease. Hmm, a cure…I think, but a cure for what? Strange…

He was about to leave, knowing he had stayed too long as it was, when a boy’s voice was heard from the hall, “I’m sure he’ll turn up sometime, uncle. You said it would be soon, so that would mean within the next few days. All we can do, meanwhile, is wait.”

Alban made a hasty retreat to the tall windows where he had entered. Climbing out of windows quickly, silently, and without hurting oneself was a technique he had developed over the years. He landed with a soft “Oomph,” and running with the speed of an extremely fit athlete, lithely jumped the short wooden fence, and continued running. If he had stayed a moment longer, he would have heard “Ah, it appears he was just here. The food is gone as well as the money. Good. He’ll be returning shortly.”

Alban had no such intention of returning shortly. That was his second visit within a week, and today’s experience had shown him how slack he had become. His first visit, he had taken food, a few old-looking books, and some knick-knacks lying on the shelf above the hearth. This second visit he had come away with small pickings, having only taken some food and cash that had been carelessly left on the table. If he had thought about it, he might have found it strange that both times the fire was lit, and food was out in free sight…almost as if the house had been expecting him...

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
MiaParamore
Review

Hey Mathews!

Shubhs here to review again.

Spoiler
It was the time of #FF0080 ">the day #FF00BF ">when everyone went inside, unless you were foolhardy or one of the gangs.


“Hmm#FF0000 ">.#FF0000 ">A quick search yielded nothing and with a curse the man shoved Alban away and stumbled on.
You would have had a comma had it been something what the speaker was going to do. Like "Don't talk to me," she barked. There's a comma here since it doesn't stand as an individual sentence. It needs a comma. But had it been this, then there would have been a full-stop---"Don't talk to me." She barked, and sprinted across to the cave. Here, it's an individual sentence that follows. If I confused you, do tell me.

If he had stayed a moment longer, he would have heard “Ah, it appears he was just here. The food is gone as well as the money. Good. He’ll be returning shortly.”
I truly liked how you said this thing. :)


Well, to be honest, I totally fell for the start. I am in love with such mysterious starts and this way of introducing a new character to the story. This kind always tempts me, and this seemed so mysterious in the beginning. I'm maybe being intuitionist, but it seemed like an opening to some high gang street fight. I was in for it totally. I don't know if that was your purpose, but I liked it. That's all I would really say. :D

What I would like to suggest you is that it seems a bit strange to come to know all of a sudden that Alban is a thief. I know that you went across smoothly, but if you could hint indirectly at this in the opening passage, I'd be more than glad. Something like guilt or remorse running through him. If not that, so maybe you could have a comparison between what he felt the first time he stole(don't mention 'stealing') and how he is totally out of that phase; it's like a normal thing for him.

About the book cover now. The book Alban sees Curvaverse. It would seem more realistic that why out of all the books that particular book caught his attention. Was it because of the colour it had? The different text or it was just a random thing? These things would surely be good to tell if this book is to come more in the story, and I think even otherwise the character's mind set would be reflected by this one thing. Like is he still a kid and loves books of variety of colours? I would really like you to add on a line about the book.

I didn't understand why her mom would be denied her pensions. Just because she had developed a mental ailment? That seems silly to me. I just couldn't get it. Pensions are given to retired people, and that's mostly old people. Mnay of them do develop mental disorders, so I really don't think they would be denied their right. One has no control over such things, you see? :wink: But still if this is another kind of setting and other kind of life, then maybe you should be specific. Maybe things like these are accepted over here.

Overall, as Ishy said this was way better to read in terms of your writing. The thoughts weren't splayed all over, but were intact. Although there are certain small things that need to be worked on, I really don't see a problem with this. You're sure to get an A with this one. I would request you to tell me the aim of your project to me either through a PM or post it on me wall, since I can give a better review in the third chapter and also give an overall review for how I felt this seemed like.

Anyways, this was cute, and I am intrigued to read what is going to happen. :)

Keep Writing, and PM or post on my wall for any questions if you have. I'd be glad to help you out.

~Shrubs

User avatar
eldEr
Review
eldEr wrote a review · Tue Apr 12, 2011 5:51 pm

Chapter two!


Right off the bat, I will tell you that I liked this chapter a lot more than the first one. The style was definitely better, more interesting to read and just generally less messy. I also liked the voice of this character far more, and I found him to be five times as interesting.

Anyways.

This chapter held a lot more interest for me, as I said previously. There seems to be a bit of a plot shaping up, and this character if definitely more defined than your recent one. It didn't seem nearly as cliche, and the way it was written actually pulled me in instead of pushed me out. There were a few messy areas, or paragraphs that were a little too full of dull descriptions, but for the most part, I enjoyed it.

Another thing I liked more about his chapter was that you threw a hook in at the end - a nice cliffhanger that will leave me actually wanting chapter three. They were expecting him, were they? Sounds like trouble, I want to know what happens. The only thing I'm worried about is finding another cliche character or setting in the next chapter, as this kind of thing can generally turn into the same story with the same evil-appearing characters who simply want their house to remain un-robbed. I'm hoping that you didn't fall into that, but I suppose I won't know until I read the next chapter, huh? ;)

So, this review was shorter and probably far more useless, but I didn't find as much to comment on.

Onto chapter three!
~~Ish

User avatar
Matthews
Comment

Yeah, I kinda realized posting them at the same time was a bad idea. Oops! Will not repeat that mistake.

Glad you liked it. Again, I won't have time to edit things for a while, so do NOT think I'm ignoring suggestions!!

User avatar
Spitfire
Review

Hey again! I know you didn't ask, but I thought I'd review chappy #2 ;)
I have to tell you though, I noticed that you posted your first and second chapter on the same day. Bad idea. If you want people to follow your story completely, you need to post your chapters on a regular basis and not in such a limited amount of time. So after you've posted chapter 3 (since it's been a while since you posted these two), I suggest you wait at least four days. 'Cause most people (me included) don't review every day, so if you post more than 1 per day, it'll take a really long time for us to review, sometimes to the point that we forget to do the second, afterwards.

On to the review :)

Matthews wrote: It was the time of day #FF00FF ">when everyone went inside, unless you were foolhardy or one of the gangs.


Matthews wrote:He still remembered with vivid detail, the day his life went drastically downhill#FF4000 ">:

I'd change the : for a period.

Matthews wrote:“Here, mam,” said the freckled, blue eyed kid, flatting his ‘o’.

I don't get this part.. what o are you talking about?

Matthews wrote:Suddenly she went limp and#FF00FF ">, staggering toward the chair#FF00FF ">, sat down and wept bitterly.


Matthews wrote:A very abused and confused Alban glanced at the woman leaning against the table and walking up to her, timidly placed his hand on her arm.

Wasn't she sitting down in the chair just a minute ago?

Matthews wrote:He landed with a soft “Oomph,” and #FF4000 ">running with the speed of an extremely fit athlete, lithely jumped the short wooden fence, and continued running.

*ran

Oooh. They were expecting him. Now I'm curious.
All righty, this was a good chappy. I think I even prefer it to the first. I just liked his thinking about the theivery and all. Yes, thieves becoming superheroes has been done before, but if you put your own twist to this, it could become a great story despite being done. That's the case with many stories as so many themes have already been done. You must make it your own.

I just want you to keep that in mind to make sure you don't make Alban predictable in his actions. Make him illogical at times, keep us..well me for now.. guessing 8)
Keep writing, and post those other chapters, I'm interested to read the rest.
Spitfire



The magic is only in what books say, how they stitched the patches of the universe together into one garment for us.
— Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451