A sob, a sigh,
No kiss goodbye.
You left me alone
In this world to die.
I pled for nothing, you still departed;
Left me behind to mourn and cry.
How could you? For what purpose?
I continue to ask, I need to know why.
I shall go on, my love.
Live my life, I must try.
You don’t understand,
How could I forget all you said?
Because, soul companion, it was merely a lie.
K, so my mom thinks this poem should stop at line 3. Just stop and leaving it there would make it more powerful according to her. What do you think?
A sob, a sigh,
No kiss goodbye.
You left me alone
In this world to die.
I pled for nothing, you still departed;
Left me behind to mourn and cry.
Yet I shall go on, my love.
Live my life, I must try.
Now, my sister thinks this way, adding this last line to what my mom likes, would be the best way. I like it this way, and the original best, but I'd like more opinions, so if you could let me know that'd be GREAT! Thanks so much peeps!
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,368 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Hey Matthew, Stella here!
is pled a word? Also, the word "still" suggests that if they had pleaded then they definitely would have left, which doesn't make sense.
The "continue" seems unnatural.
Firstly, is that "soul" a play on words? Because I love it. Keep that. But overall, I don't really get what you're trying to say here. What did they say that the speaker has forgotten? And why the "You don't understand". I don't like the "You don't understand" in any case. It's too much of a cliché and it feels out of place in a poem mourning someone's death, however bitterly they may be doing that morning.
Overall, it could be stronger. Try putting more personal emotion into it. At the moment it's so impersonal and a little dull. We've read hundreds of poems like this, what makes yours better?
Dig a little deeper. But I like your structure, your rhyming works nicely
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
I think overall you did a great job on this poem here
The words sounded beautiful the way you put them together. It had a simplistic flow in quality to it. One thing I would like to point out though is this line here:
The words understand and said don't quite rhyme here. Although I'm not judging. I do the same sort of thing when writing poetry myself. But I feel you could have made these two lines rhyme a little more similarly. So maybe you should try going back and improvising that one part. I think you're poem would be a bit more flawless if you did.
First, the purple text in the middle threw me off while I was reading it. Can you put that in a spoiler text so that your reviewers can look at the song as a whole before reading another person's opinion please?b Second, did you have a specific melody in mind when you wrote this. It's easier to review songs, when you know what melody the person had in mind while they were writing it. I think having the last bit makes it seem more of a complete song. You could, when you sing it, have a pause between
and That would give the listener time to let the last line sink in before you moved on to the chorus. This is good though. I'd love to hear you sing it!