EDITED:
Loyal stars dive in the sky, obeying their master.
A proud moon shines elegantly above his subjects.
The grass whispers a ballet among its roots as it feels the winds urging.
Trees sigh, “Oh, if I could only be as lithe and carefree as the grass.”
Animals rest in their various havens, safe,
Cloaked in velvety, yet smothering, darkness.
A mere shimmer of light flickers gently, a glow to cheer the evening,
Sent by the king of the sky, commanding the night in his glamorous palace.
Nocturnes go about morbidly, envious of daylight creatures.
“Why can’t we partake of the royal heavens’ work?”
.
Gentle breezes play, teasing tree limbs, as they start a lively gavotte.
A lonely wail echoes, those gentle breezes now depressed as they yearn for sunrise.
A chill clouds the air, tense under the dismal mood.
For living the life of the night is a lonely calling for brave souls alone.
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Twinkling stars dive in the sky,
Also I wanted the moon to come back. "The moon is king." Maybe queen.
The moon shines elegantly above his subjects.
twinkling stars. that's the best description of stars you can muster? Unlikely. Try a different adjective. Or don't use one. "stars dive in the sky." simple. Also I don't think you got away with 'elegantly.' It's an awkward word to say. Maybe 'elegant moon.' Also I doubt the moon is a he. Probably a she
The grass whispers, a ballet played among its roots.
Trees sigh, Oh, if I could only be as lithe and graceful as the grass.
how about this?
The grass whispers a ballet among its roots.
more concise, I think, but you're the poet. Love the word 'lithe,' but to describe the grass as 'lithe and graceful' seems a little redundant.
Animals rest in their various havens, safe,
Cloaked in the velvety darkness.
think it should be, "animals rest in various havens" Like that. Also you don't need the 'the' in the second line. That's how you condense.
A mere shimmer of light flickers gently,
Sent by the king of the sky.
the king of the sky? The moon? Yay. Don't like the first line. It didn't make sense. Shimmer of light flickering gently. As a reader I'm like... what is that? I have no idea.
Nocturnes go about cheerfully,
For it is their day, is it not?
i guess. I don't like the question you pose. It's you're poem. The reader knows you know. So don't waste your breath asking the reader, is it not?
Gentle breezes play, teasing objects about them.
A lonely wail echoes, those gentle breezes depressed.
this didn't really make sense either. I liked 'teasing' but i didn't like 'objects.' Teases what? I want something specific.
It is a lonely job, living the life of the night.
well done but I think you could have a stronger ending.
best,
Hi Matthews!
I must say I really enjoyed this poem. It was a beautiful portrayal of the night sky and very descriptive. I can clearly picture the sky as you've described it.
A few things:
Besides that, your poem had a stellar mix of poetic devices. And I also really like the bit about the moon being the 'king' of the night sky. ^_^
~BTM
I like this it is very descriptive. Its like you're painting a scene with this. I loved this very much ^^ Hopefully you will keep writing!!!! I can't wait to read more of your work when I have time!!! Good luck and keep up the good work!!! Happy Writing!!!
Soulkana<3
] great descriptions about night time, matt! (Can I call you Matt?) and nice personification with the trees.
] sorry if I only leave a short comment here, like I usually do, but I tell you that I love this one!