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The War of 2017

by Mathy


'Twas the Battle of 2017

Between Trump's supporters and Hillary!

'Twas the start of a dark time,

when the streets were filled with crime,

and the president was royal as can be.

But do not fear,

The time is near!

For the sky- to- clear--!

The army of the houses line up on the right-

They will not leave until they know- they've won the fight-

Hiding in the bushes-

Hiding in plain sight.

Ev'ry time they rise and aim

the enemy would hide!

Wait another minute- wait another night.

We shall not surrender 'til the en'my takes flight!

Once the final strike- the deciding factor,

Had been taken 'gainst the fleet's own ruling commander.

Hark- ending of e--vil--,

Dark forces take flight--

Evil things have gone away,

and been replaced for light!

E-vil- things- have- gone--- a---way---

replaced---- for---- light----!

LEGEND:     

'-'   -   Hold for longer

'[bold]'   -   Sing louder and stronger

~Inspired by... what hopefully does not happen...


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6 Reviews


Points: 377
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Tue Jan 03, 2017 2:39 am
sweetrapturedlight wrote a review...



Okay, first of all, I really like this.

I like the way you used words like "Twas" and "Ev'ry". It made the song seem more like something you'd find in a hymnal.

The only problem is the ending. I don't really understand what happened at the end. Who won? How? Also, the dashes in the word "evil" probably could've been replaced by something else, but I got the point.

All in all, this was pretty good.




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Thu Dec 29, 2016 9:41 pm
alliyah wrote a review...



Hello,

I normally stick to reviewing poetry, so sorry if anythings a bit off:

So overall this was an entertaining piece. I'm not sure it's only limited to applying to 2017, I mean some of these ideas come up a lot.

Your word choice struck me as very archaic (not a bad thing! but definitely distinct!). For example using the word "hark" in modern lyrics is well: Olde schoole! :)

As far as formating goes, I think you don't need the exclamation marks or the "bold" I think the words speak for themselves.
I wonder if there's a better way to format the holding out syllables rather than the pro-longed dashes. It just looked a bit distracting for me.

The last couple lines might have packed a bit more punch, but I liked the consistent tone throughout. No immediate spelling/grammatical big issues that I could see.

Overall, enjoyable piece, with pretty good flow! I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
~alliyah




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Fri Dec 09, 2016 10:55 pm
CateRose17 wrote a review...



Hey! Cate here :)

First thing's first, I am surprised that you are the only one that has written on this topic of Trump and Hillary because there so many issues surrounding the massive election that has just taken place. But I suppose only very observant-and talent- young people see the need for politics to be put in poetry form.

Your rhymes flowed so well. It was upbeat and fast, clean, sharp and crisp. Your point was met with precision and was bold in the way you worded things. And I noticed you weren't afraid to use the same word twice to rhyme. Me, I am too afraid to do that in fear of being repetitive and boring. Right now this is a very real thing to imagine ( Yes, I know. Sometimes reality and imagination do not mix, but here they apply). With the way people have reacted, some in a bratty, liberal way and others in a patriotic, bold way, there is definitely some place for dissension in our country. I like the way you don't portray either side as the villain, you leave that up for debate for each side of supporters. That was respectful, yet if some read between the lines you can see who's side you may or may not be on. If that makes sense. One thing I didn't understand were all the dashes, was that for dramatic effect? Or just cutting up the syllables to make the rhyming more pronounced? Or both? Either way I liked it.
Don't worry, I am almost done with my little talking session. I love the last line. Your inspiration is the uncertainty of what will happen. There's almost some type of humor to it, I don't know what type... but there is something to it. I loved it. - Cate (pond)



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Mathy says...


Thank you! Also, the dashes were to make it last longer.



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Fri Dec 09, 2016 10:52 pm
AlexOfLight wrote a review...



LOL! I like that it rhymes, and that there is a legend. Yeah.... that's about it for what I like about it.
Okay, what I don't like in the song.

"Hiding in the bushes-

Hiding in plain sight.

Ev'ry time they rise and aim

the enemy would hide!"

It's a bit redundant how the word hiding repeats three times.

"Had been taken 'gainst the fleet's own ruling commander."

It's a bit too wordy. Possibly taking out the word ruling would work.

"Dark forces take flight--

Evil things have gone away,

and been replaced for light!

E-vil- things- have- gone--- a---way---

replaced---- for---- light----!"

I don't like the ending, it has less details than the beginning, and it leaves more questions unanswered than before reading it. For example: Who wins?

This is just my opinion, so it might be fine.

Sorry about that, I forgot to hit yes for if this is a review.




AlexOfLight says...


I didn't get the points. Why world why!!!!!!!!!!! :(
I didn't just do this for the points though, I wanted to say something for this.



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16 Reviews


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Fri Dec 09, 2016 10:49 pm
AlexOfLight says...







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