This is the second completed chapter of The Chaos. Chapter three is still under construction. Enjoy! (Edit: Here's the first chapter. topic66140.html)
Chapter two
More unusual things
“Yesterday, a collision took place in downtown Richman, leaving one hundred people dead and twenty injured...” The news reporter said. “Police are unsure what caused the sudden accident, but we do recommend everyone to be careful when they drive.”
Annoyed, I immediately turned off the T.V. I laid my head back on the couch, trying to erase all my memories of the night of the collision. I then looked at Korrow, who was sleeping on the couch next to me. I couldn't help but chuckle.
“As long as he's here,” I thought to myself, “He'll be safe.” I got off the couch and stretched. Then I walked over to sleeping Korrow and shook him lightly. Disturbed, he woke up and looked at me.
“Morning, sleeping beauty.” I greeted. “How'd ya sleep?”
“Good, I guess.” He answered, rubbing his eyes. “Thanks for letting me stay the night.”
“My pleasure.”
Now completely awake, Korrow stood up and stretched. He fixed his red collar on his sweat shirt.
“Well,” He started, “I should get going.” He turned and headed to the door. “It was nice of you to invite me to stay here, but I have somewhere to go. Good-Bye.” Before he had a chance to leave, I stopped him quickly. He looked back at me, confused. “Nick?”
“You can stay here longer than a day!” I invited, smiling.
“N-No, I really can't. I have to go.”
“Korrow, I know that you're the foster kid from the news.”
Alarmed, Korrow violently turned around and backed up against the door. He started to sweat and his cheeks turned tomato red.
“I...Uh...” He stuttered. “I-I-I-I...Um...Y-Y-You-”
I placed my hand on his mouth, causing him to stop in the middle of his sentence.
“Don't worry.” I comforted. “Your secret is safe with me. I won't tell anyone.”
I slowly removed my hand from his lips. All that he could do was stare in awe, as if no one had told him anyone this in his life.
“You mean it?” He asked.
“Cross my heart and hope to die.” I answered. “Now get in the shower. You smell like you haven't bathe in a week.”
Korrow, embarrassed, started to walk up the stairs. Before he made it to the bathroom, he turned around and gave a soft smile.
“Thank you.” He thanked, walking inside the bathroom.
Because he had little clothing, I allowed him to wear some of mine. Surprisingly, he was able to fit them. Another cool thing about him was the fact that he was able to get along with Jasmine well. Usually, Jasmine would get nervous when she's around someone new. I guess this was a different situation.
“Little princess, eh?” Korrow chuckled. “Is that what he calls you?”
“Yep!” Jasmine giggled, laying on my lap. “I'm his favorite sister!”
“Let's not forget that you are my ONLY sister.” I corrected, tickling her stomach. I smiled and gave her a kiss on her forehead.
“Jasmine!” my mom called. “Time for your nap!”
“Aww...” She sighed. “Oh well! See you later, Nicky, Korrow!” She kissed me on the cheek and darted out my room.
For a while, there was nothing but dead air. The both of us looked around, trying to think about what to say.
“So,” Korrow started, “How about we head to the park? I'm going to be here for a while, so we mine as well hang out.”
I looked over at him, and blinked.
“Anything the matter?”
“No!” I quickly said. “No! Not at all!”
“Okay then. Do you want to go to the park?”
“Sure!”
It was extremely odd to walk outside. There were no kids. All that we could see were adults and wild animals. I cleared my throat, trying to hide my nervousness. Thousands of eyeballs gazed upon us as we sat on the park bench. I looked at Korrow, and he looked back at me.
“Did all of the kids die?” Korrow asked. “Why are we the only ones out here?”
“I don't know.” I answered. “It's weird. It was never like this yesterday.”
We sat in silence as we watched adults walk pass us. Finally, a man, who looked liked he was about nineteen, stopped by us.
“Excuse me,” He started. “Do you two have an adult with you?”
“Uh...no.” I replied, confused. “Why?”
“No one under the age of eighteen is allowed to be outside unless they are under adult supervision.” He explained. “Have you kids heard about the Grand Anarcy?”
“No.” Korrow answered.
“Then you should pay attention to the news or do research!” He pulled our arms and pulled us off the bench. “If you stay out here, you could be the next victim. Now, where do you live?”
I sighed and rolled my eyes, trying so hard not to punch him in the face. What was he? My dad? He couldn't tell me what to do!
“Brit Avenue.” I answered. “You can walk there. It's two blocks away from here.”
When we arrived back at my house, I sat on the couch, wanting the man to leave my house. I hit my head on the back of the couch. He was so irritating! Why wouldn't he go away? Instead, he just HAD to have a talk with my mom!
“Please,” He begged before he started to head out the door. “Tell your son that he has to stay home for two weeks now. There's been a murder at Road Wall high school.”
Suddenly, my head perked up. I turned around and stood up.
“When?” I asked, running to him and clenching his shirt. “When was the murder? Who was murdered? Please! I need to know! I go to that school! Tell me! Tell me now!”
“First off, kid, let go of me.” He demanded.
Doing what he said, I immediately let go of his shirt. He then cleared his throat and started to explain.
“On the same night of the collision, a eleventh grade teacher named Mrs. Susan was choked to death, then stabbed five times in her stomach.”
I was petrified. My homeroom teacher was murdered! Murdered! How could someone murder her! The last thing I heard from her was wishing me luck next year! Oh God!
“Nick,” My mom comforted, “I know you're upset, but we'll have to move on.”
“How can you say that!” I snapped. “Mom, my homeroom teacher was killed! She's gone! How can you be so calm about this? I...I...”
She immediately hugged me, and I hugged her back. I shook my head and let a tear fall down my face. Could this weekend be any worse?
“I'm sorry for the lost of your teacher.” The man apologized. “I'll help with the memorial services on Monday. I ask of you: please protect your children. I doubt you would want to lose any of them.” He started to head to the door, sympathy in his expression. “Good luck.”
Then, he left.
I sat in my room in the afternoon, thinking about today. First off, who was “Grand Anarcy”? Second, did they kill my teacher? And finally...who were they after next?
“Nick!” Korrow called from downstairs. “Come here!”
Responding to his call, I immediately ran down the stairs, trying to see what he wanted. He pointed at the television.
“Look!”
“In other news,” The news reporter started, “A murder took place in Road Wall Highschool...”
“Korrow, I already know this.” I corrected.
“No! Keep watching!” He urged. “I recorded this so I can show you something! Now listen!”
“...teacher named Susan Marisa. On her body was a blood covered note saying 'We will not rest until we find Thomas Riverson.' The murder could be a possible Grand Arnacy member. Due to the increasing...”
“That person was looking for my father?” I gasped.
“Eh? Thomas is your dad?” Korrow wondered. “Oh my god! I never knew that!”
“It's fine. Not a lot of people do.” I explained. “I haven't seen him ever since I was seven.”
“I see. I'm sorry about that. And I'm sorry for the lost of your teacher.”
I patted his back and gave a soft smile at him.
“It's fine. None of it was your fault.” I comforted. “I just hope things get better on Sunday. On Monday, I have to attend my teacher's memorial.”
That night, after dinner, Korrow and I decided to hit the hay. I told him to sleep in my bed and told him that everyone was off limits of my brother's bed. Understanding the rules, he went inside the sleeping bag that I gave to him.
“What a Saturday.” I said.
“Ah, don't worry about it.” Korrow said.
“Still...I wonder if my mom knew about this.” I said again. “She acted like she knew this was happening. Could it be that my mom knows about the Grand Anarcy?”
“Ask her!” Korrow encourage. “Maybe you'll get an answer!”
“Ha. The last time I asked her anything was the result of her walking out in irritation.”
“Hmm...well maybe we can do more research about Grand Anarcy.” He closed his eyes. “Things will get better in the morning. Goodnight Nick.” Then, he drifted off to a deep, relaxing sleep.
“Goodnight, Korrow.” I whispered, falling asleep as well.
Things would be better in the morning...right?
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hello,
I'm really enjoying this story, and I see you have chapter 3 up so that's where I'll be going next!
But first, if you don't mind, there are a few misspellings and things and stuff that I noticed:
Bathed, I think you just forgot the D.
Might, we might as well hang out.
Well that's it for my thoroughly and intense review. On to chapter 3!
Hi again, Chaos! Sorry for the delay, JulNo and work are holding me back a bit. ^^;;
In any case, it seems that the plot thickens! It looks like the tie-in to Nick’s father has appeared. I’m definitely curious to find out who is searching for him and why—it seems like whoever it is is pretty ruthless. I was also surprised to see that the teacher had been strangled, just like the woman in chapter one was trying to do to Korrow… I wonder whether the two incidents are connected? I’m excited to find out! Korrow also seems to have some really interesting backstory coming up, and I’m excited to find out more about it. I'm also curious about these Grand Anarcy people and how they relate to the story at large-- I wonder if they are the culprits behind all these strange happenings. The tension has definitely ratcheted up in this chapter.
I think this chapter improved a bit in showing characters emotions, rather than telling them—things like the way Nick hits his head against the back of the chair in frustration or reached out to hug his mom even though he hates her show us how he feels really well, and are more relatable than just being told that he’s sad or irritated. I know that I feel closer to Nick now that I’ve seen his emotions in this way—he feels more like a person to me now, and it’s easy for me to attach to him. Well done—keep it up! ^_^
I also really like some of Nick’s characterization in this chapter. His kindness toward Korrow and the way he tries to make him feel safe and comfortable was really touching, and it makes me think a lot of his character. You have to be a very kind person to do so much for someone who is a complete stranger, and the fact that Nick is willing to makes him a really admirable character, one that I feel like will be a good hero for this story.
The main thing I’m wondering about is something I didn’t mention last chapter—since Korrow was injured and passed out when they rescued him, it seems a little weird that the Riversons wouldn’t have taken him to the hospital right away instead of just leaving him at home. I can forgive Nick for not thinking of that, because he’s young and he’s not really on top of things all the time, plus he seems to mistrust adults and authority. But I’m sure that Nick’s mother would have at least suggested that they take him to a hospital, if not outright demanded it. Having been strangled into unconsciousness, he could easily have brain damage.
Thankfully, I think this might be an easy one to resolve. It seems to me like Korrow doesn’t want to be found by anyone and doesn’t want people to find out that he’s the missing foster kid, so if he were told he needed to go to the hospital, he would probably outright refuse, right? Using this, you can kill two birds with one stone—knock out a plothole and add more foreshadowing and interest into what exactly Korrow’s situation might be.
One other thing I would suggest—you use a lot of strange dialogue tags, like “comforted” or “greeted.” Surprisingly enough, it’s usually better just to use “said.” Said is kind of a pedestrian, boring word, but in this case, that’s a good thing—it’s easy for the reader to just pass through, like it’s invisible, and focus on the dialogue. Other words are a bit conspicuous—they trip the reader up.
But I think this was a pretty strong chapter, and an improvement over the previous one. Just keep working on giving us an impression of people’s feelings and building an atmosphere, and this story’s going to be really great! See you in chapter three. : )
Nice! The only comment is "Grand Anarcy" might be spelled "Grand Anarchy." Anarchy = no government; I think that is the word you want to use. The story is traveling into the mysterious direction; it is finally an action-adeventure rather than a normal story. Cool!