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Young Writers Society



The Chaos (Chapter four)

by MasterofChaos


Dear God, how long was I gone? >_> Well, after a long wait, here's chapter four of my novel series, The Chaos. Enjoy, everybody. :)

Chapter four

Time to leave

I went to Paul's funeral rather than Mrs. Susan's. In fact, I was one of the few people who actually went to his funeral. The majority of people went to Mrs. Susan's. I guess she was loved more than Paul was.

We all stood in front of Paul's grave, and watched as they placed his coffin deep into the ground. Paul's mother fell to her knees, crying. Paul's dad, who just came back from a business trip, looked away. I couldn't help but let a tear fall down my face, while Korrow placed his hand on my shoulder.

“I know how it feels...to lose someone close to you.” He whispered.

“How?” I asked, looking at him.

“When the funeral is over, I'll tell you.”

I looked back down at Paul's grave, and wiped my eyes. I still had guilt deep inside of me, but I didn't want to show it to everyone. They were already depressed, and I would just make is worst.

After the funeral, everyone went to Paul's house. Abeiuwa and John were talking to Paul's dad, while my mother talked to Paul's mother. I went to the backyard with Korrow, who decided to tell me his past. He was sitting on the porch, waiting for me.

“There's one thing I have to say first.” Korrow started. “Once I tell you this, you can't tell anyone else. Got it?”

“You have my trust.” I answered.

“Good. I never told anyone else this. Being that you saved my life and brought me into your house, you're the only one I trust. Now that I have that out of the way, I'll tell you my story.”

He sat down, took a deep breath, and started to tell his tale.

“I was only raised by my brother. I never knew my mom or dad. So, you could expect a very close bond between me and my brother.”

“Why weren't you two in foster care?” I asked.

"We were scared.” He answered. “We didn't know what would happen to us, so we hid. Since then, we lived in a broken down apartment as a hideout. We remained there until...”

He paused.

“Until what?” I urged. “Korrow, continue.”

“...Until I discovered his dead body.” He continued, hugging his knees tight. “I don't remember anything after that because I passed out. However, when I woke up, I was suppose to head to foster care immediately. I was scared. I didn't know what would happen to me. So I ran away. To this day, though, my brother's death haunts me. Sometimes, I can't sleep at night without thinking about him.”

He closed his eyes and let a tear fall down his face.

“So, I do understand what it's like to lose someone.”

I looked down at him and sat next to him.

“How did he die?” I asked.

“Murdered.” Korrow answered. “I don't exactly know who did it, but my guess it was by a Grand Anarchy member.”

“I lost my brother that way to.” I said. “Stabbed repeatedly...I think it was a Grand Anarchy member that killed him as well.”

Korrow looked at me, his eyes widened.

“That's horrible!” He said. “I-I'm so sorry to hear that!”

“Don't be.” I said, standing up. “I'm going to find out who Grand Anarchy is. And when I do, I'm going to prevent them from hurting anyone else close to me. They took Micheal and Paul away, but they're not going to get my mom or my sister.”

“Wow, you're a determine guy, Nick.” Korrow complimented, standing up. “How are we going to find out about Grand Anarchy without your mother getting angry?”

“I don't know...but we're going to find out sooner or later.”

Back at home, everyone sat at the dinner table. For a minute, there was silence. Then, after a while, John was the first to speak.

“You know,” He started, “When we came down here, we heard about a rumor about some runaway foster kid here in Road Wall.” He looked at Korrow with suspicion. “You heard about that, son?”

Korrow shook his head.

“Nope!” He answered, eating his corn. “Not at all!”

“Ah.” He looked at mom, his expression not changing. “Mary, I spoke to Paul's father, and he told me that you knew about the attack ahead of time.” He lifted an eyebrow. “Why didn't you tell us, Mary?”

My mom looked at me, her eyes widened.

“Yeah, mom, why didn't you tell them?” I asked, clenching my fork tighter. “Why didn't you let them save my friend?”

“I...” She stuttered, “I...”

“Mary, tell us calmly.” Abeiuwa said. “Why didn't you tell us?”

“I couldn't-”

“Couldn't? Couldn't?” I yelled, standing up and slamming my hands in the table. “You couldn't tell them to save my best friend? You just let Paul die? YOU LET HIM GET KILLED?

“No! It's not like that!”

“Then what is it like?”

“Nick, please calm down.” Korrow said.

“For what?” I snapped. “She just let my friend die!”

'Nick, please let me explain...” My mom begged, tears filling her eyes. “Please...”

“No! You've done enough damage! YOU LET MY BEST FRIEND DIE!

With that, I slammed my fork into the table, walked up the stairs, and slammed the door shut. At first, I kept my back against the door. Then, I slid down, and cried.

I don't know how long I was in my room, but I didn't care. I just wanted to be left alone. I laid in my brother's bed, and clenched the sheets. At this point, my eyes were burning red.

“Micheal...” I whimpered. “I lost my best friend...the same way I lost you. Why isn't my mom telling me the truth? I want to know why all of this is happening...”

There was a knock on the door.

“Go away.” I whined.

Then, my eyes widened when I heard the voice.

“Nicky?”

I got out of bed and opened the door. There was Jasmine, standing in the doorway, wiping her eyes.

“Nicky, I heard screaming.” She said, yawning. “What happened?”

I lifted her in my arms.

“Nothing.” I said, trying not to cry in front of her. “I just...was a little mad.”

“Then why is mommy crying? She keeps saying, 'I'm a horrible person!'”

I said nothing.

“Nicky?”

“Jasmine, stay here for a minute.” I demanded, putting her down. I walked out the room and stood by my mom's door. Jasmine was right. She was crying. This time, she sounded out of breath.

“I-I-I s-should've...I-” She stuttered. “Why am I doing everything w-wrong?”

“Mary, calm down.” Abeiuwa said in her usually soft voice. “Nick loves you. He's just a little upset. I have to admit, John and I are disappointed. But like you said, it was too late. We're your childhood friends, Mary, and we want to help you and your family.”

“But you're a better mother than I am.”

“That's not true! Mary, you're a wonderful mother. The whole situation with Grand Anarchy is stressful, and all you want is your children to be safe. I understand that it's hard to do this by yourself, but you're a strong woman.”

“I want to tell my son the truth, but I don't know when. Now look! He lost his best friend! And it's all my fault!”

“Mary...”

In the middle of the conversation, I felt a hand touch my shoulder. I turned around, and saw that it was only John. I sighed with relief.

“You heard enough, son.” He said. “Go downstairs with Korrow and finish dinner. You didn't touch your food.”

Korrow and I said nothing to each other. At first, I thought he was mad at me for snapping at my mom at the dinner table.

“Korrow,” I started, “I'm sorry about the whole thing.”

“Why are you apologizing?” He asked. “I'm not mad. You weren't yelling at me.”

“I know, but you had to see it. Look at me. Acting up in front of a guest.”

Korrow chuckled.

“I'm cool, Nick. I understand. I would be upset too if my mom-”

He was interrupted by the adult's screaming. We ran up he stairs to see what all of the ruckus was about. We could hear John yell:

“Abeiuwa! Abeiuwa! Honey, open your eyes! Abeiuwa! Wake up!”

I slammed the door open to see what was going on. Abeiuwa was on the ground, passed out. John was trying to wake her by shaking her chest. My mom was panicking.

“Abeiuwa!” I shrieked, bending down to her.

“Should we call a hospital?” Korrow asked.

Suddenly, Abeiuwa grabbed John's arm and clenched it tightly, She opened her eyes slightly, and looked at her worried husband.

“They're...here...” She said faintly. Then, she loosened her grip, and passed back out.

“Who?” I asked. “Who's here?”

“Oh god...” John muttered, his eyes widened. “Nick, you and Korrow have to leave immediately!”

“Huh? B-But why?”

My questioned was answered when we heard a loud crash in Jasmine's room. In terror, Jasmine ran in like a cheetah and hugged mom. Korrow walked into the room, shivering.

“What's going on?” He asked.

“It's Grand Anarchy...” my mom explained, hugging Jasmine. “They're invading Road Wall, and apparently, we're the next victims.”

“Wait!” I said, turning to mom, “If you knew, then why didn't you tell me?”

“Because when I found out about this, it was too late. They already attacked Mrs. Susan and Paul.” She looked at my sister, then at me. “John's right...you have to leave.”

I walked over to mom.

“But what about-”

There was another crash from downstairs, along with screaming and yelling.

“Don't worry about us!” my mom begged. “I want you and Korrow to be safe...I'll be fine...”

“Mom...”

“You're mom loves you.” John added, lifting Abeiuwa in his arms. “She wants you to be safe. Now go.”

“Will Nicky be back?” Jasmine asked, her eyes filled with tears.

I hugged my sister lightly and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

“I'll be back.” I whispered. “Anything for my little princess...”

There were gunshot noises in the background, and I was forced to let go of Jasmine. I looked back at everyone, who gave me a signal to leave.

“Go.” my mom whispered. “We'll be fine. Please, Nick, I don't want to lose another child...”

I didn't want to leave, but at the same time, I didn't want to die. Now seeing I had no other option, I grabbed Korrow's arm and ran out the room.

Downstairs, ten men were making a riot. They were destroying the walls, pouring gasoline, throwing everything on the floor, and finding entertainment out of it. I watched one of the men pull out a lighter and set the whole downstairs on fire.

“How are we going to get out of here?” Korrow asked. “They just set the whole downstairs on fire!”

“Shh!” I said. “They're after us! Come on!” I grabbed his hand and kept running through the hall. Straight ahead was a window, and that was the only way we could escape.

“You're not.” Korrow begged.

“We have to!” I said. “It's the only way!”

With that, we sprinted towards our escape. I looked back, hoping the men wouldn't spot us. After that, I quickly opened the window. Luckily, it wasn't a far way down, so we would survive. Then, with no interruptions, we jumped out the window, screaming in the process. We fell face first in the dirt, and our bodies felt a huge amount of pain.

“Nice plan, genius.” Korrow said sarcastically. He was the first to get up and brush himself.

“Well, I had to think of something!” I argued, getting up. I wobbled slightly. “Boy, am I dizzy!”

“Hey! I heard something!” A raspy male voice yelled. “Behind the house!”

Immediately, we ran into the woods behind our house, never looking back. Not even once. The only thing I had hoped for was for my mom, sister, and the Huckleberries to get out of there alive. Although, I had my doubts.

We made it to the city, now away from those men. We panted and sat on a nearby bench.

“So, what now?” Korrow asked, wiping the sweat off his face.

“We are going on a search.” I answered.

“A search? A search for what? Or for whom?”

“My father. After that, we're going to stop these goons from hurting anyone else.”

“Oh, for Christ sake, Nick! You sound stupid!” Korrow looked at me and glared. “You can't be a superhero! You can't magically save the world! You will DIE in the hands of Grand Anarchy!”

“I wasn't talking about the world.” I looked back at Korrow. “I was talking about my family. I just hope they made it out of there alive.”

“Still! We will be killed by Grand Anarchy! We don't even know where your dad is!” His face expression changed to a worried one. “I know you care for your family, and you want to avenge your bother and Paul, but this is risky! Just now, we barely made it out of the house alive!”

“Korrow, trust me on this. Please, this is my family! I don't want them to get killed.”

“Nick...”

He paused and looked away for a minute. Then, he sighed.

“I just hope you know for your doing.”

I nodded and stood up.

“So, Korrow,” I said, “Are you ready for what may lie ahead of us?”

He looked at me, and gave a small smirk.

“Lead the way, Nick.” He urged. “But here's a heads up: Once we start this search, there is no looking back. This is a dangerous thing to do, Nick.”

“I know.” I answered. “Now, come on. We don't want to get caught.”

“Hang in there, dad.” I thought as Korrow and I walked away from the bench. “I'm coming...”


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1087 Reviews


Points: 44360
Reviews: 1087

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Tue Aug 03, 2010 1:53 pm
Sins wrote a review...



Heyaa :)

I'm here to review as requested. I haven't actually read the previous chapters but I'm pretty good at getting the idea of things, so I think I'll understand this okay. This review will be more on the chapter itself rather than the novel so far.

We all stood in front of Paul's grave#FF0000 ">, and watched as they placed his coffin deep into the ground.

You don't need this comma here.

Paul's mother fell to her knees, crying. Paul's dad, who #FF0000 ">had just #FF0000 ">returned from a business trip, looked away.

I thought that this sounded better like this. ;)

I looked back down at Paul's grave#FF0000 ">, and wiped my eyes.

You don't need this comma.

“Good. I never told anyone else this. Being that you saved my life and brought me into your house, you're the only one I trust. Now that I have that out of the way, I'll tell you my story.”

This dialogue seemed a bit odd to me. It doesn't really sound like something anyone would really say. I think that you should consider rephrasing it.

“...Until I discovered his dead body.” He continued, hugging his knees tight. “I don't remember anything after that because I passed out. However, when I woke up, I was suppose#FF0000 ">d to head to foster care immediately. I was scared. I didn't know what would happen to me. So I ran away. To this day#FF0000 ">, though, my brother's death haunts me. Sometimes, I can't sleep at night without thinking about him.”

You don't need the last comma I highlighted here. Also, I'm finding this dialogue a bit unrealistic. When talking, do people really say however? Plus, what happened to his brother's body...? Did he just leave it to rot or something? :lol: You don't need answer this right now, I'm just intrigued, that's all.

“I lost my brother that way to#FF0000 ">o.” I said.


“You know,” #FF0000 ">he started, “#FF0000 ">when we came down here, we heard about a rumor about some runaway foster kid here in Road Wall.”

Dialogue punctuation. ;)

“Couldn't? Couldn't?” I yelled, standing up and slamming my hands in the table. “You couldn't tell them to save my best friend? You just let Paul die? #FF0000 ">YOU LET HIM GET KILLED?”

This is more of a personal thing but I don't like full caps. It's off putting for me.

“No! You've done enough damage! #FF0000 ">YOU LET MY BEST FRIEND DIE!

And again. ;)

With that, I slammed my fork into the table, walked up the stairs, and slammed the door shut. At first, I kept my back against the door. Then, I slid down, and cried.

My main problem at the moment are emotions. Your saying that your MC is crying and that he's upset a lot, but you're not really showing us any emotions. It's a bit of a telling, not showing.

I walked out #FF0000 ">of the room and stood by my mom's door.


I slammed the door open to see what was going on. Abeiuwa was on the ground, passed out. John was trying to wake her by shaking her chest. My mom was panicking.

Everything's happening a bit too fast at the moment!

Suddenly, Abeiuwa grabbed John's arm and clenched it tightly#FF0000 ">. She opened her eyes slightly, and looked at her worried husband.


My question#FF0000 ">ed was answered when we heard a loud crash in Jasmine's room.


“So, Korrow,” I said, “#FF0000 ">are you ready for what may lie ahead of us?”

Dialogue punctuation again. :)


Overall

As a whole, this was a pretty good chapter. I really like the idea of it as a whole. As far as I can tell, it's original and I haven't seen or read anything similar to it before. That is always a good sign. If you can keep up with the originality of it, this should continue being a good story. When it comes to your characters, I quite liked them. Each one of them seemed to have their own individual personalities and they were interesting too. My only critique for the characters is the fact that I thought your MC was a girl at the beginning, until Korrow said something that made it obvious that he was a guy. I'm not really sure what advice to give you on that, to be honest. I think you just need to bare in mind that he is a guy and try and think about how guys think, speak, and behave. Most of the time, for example, they don't cry. Instead, they'll shout and smash things up. Not all guys, obviously, but most guys. Just be careful, basically. As for your spelling and grammar, it was pretty good. Your spelling was great, but I did find a few grammatical mistakes. :)

My main critique would probably be the fact that you weren't really showing many emotions in this. Then again, that wasn't really the problem. It was the fact that you were telling us how your MC was feeling, but you weren't showing us as such. You were saying that he was sad, that he was crying etc. You weren't showing us these things though. Instead of simply saying that Nick slammed the door, slid down the wall, and then cried, be more descriptive about it. Tell us about how there was a horrible lump at the back of his throat. What did the wall feel like against his back? Was it cold and rough? By using descriptions like this, it creates a negative mood and atmosphere. Therefore, you are portraying your characters emotions without simply saying that they were sad, happy, worried, or whatever. Do you understand what I'm trying to say? It's a case of showing, not telling, to be honest. The reason that showing is always important when describing is the fact that it simply makes the story more interesting. If you simply tell the reader everything that goes on, they will eventually get bored and probably stop reading. You obviously don't want that to happen, do you? Basically, instead of telling us that your characters are sad. Show us.

The only other thing that I want to comment on is the pace of this. It's the same thing as what UnderestimatedSmiles said. I felt that the speed of this story was a it fast. Everything seemed to happen so suddenly. Think about it. Overall, the things that happen in your story are your MC going to a funeral, listening to a story of Korrow's, going home and having food, getting angry with his mother, going upstairs and crying, going into another room and overhearing a conversation, going back downstairs, going back upstairs, someone passing out, the house being broken into, escaping out of the house, the house going on fire, then deciding that he is going to find his father. All of that happened within one, small chapter. Do you get my point? You're squishing a lot of things into a rather short piece of writing. Don't worry about including heaps of information a short space of time. Even things out a bit. ;)

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins




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Mon Aug 02, 2010 2:28 am
UnderestimatedSmiles wrote a review...



Pretty good story... not many critiques, if any, but one problem that seemed to have fixed with your story is that you have slowed things down a bit, though some issues could be slowed down even more. Anyways, I love this read, its really great and I hope you keep it up! And just a reminder: SLOW IT DOWN! ;) good job!





Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?
— Homer Simpson