Heyaa
I'm here to review as requested. I haven't actually read the previous chapters but I'm pretty good at getting the idea of things, so I think I'll understand this okay. This review will be more on the chapter itself rather than the novel so far.
We all stood in front of Paul's grave#FF0000 ">, and watched as they placed his coffin deep into the ground.
You don't need this comma here.
Paul's mother fell to her knees, crying. Paul's dad, who #FF0000 ">had just #FF0000 ">returned from a business trip, looked away.
I thought that this sounded better like this.
I looked back down at Paul's grave#FF0000 ">, and wiped my eyes.
You don't need this comma.
“Good. I never told anyone else this. Being that you saved my life and brought me into your house, you're the only one I trust. Now that I have that out of the way, I'll tell you my story.”
This dialogue seemed a bit odd to me. It doesn't really sound like something anyone would really say. I think that you should consider rephrasing it.
“...Until I discovered his dead body.” He continued, hugging his knees tight. “I don't remember anything after that because I passed out. However, when I woke up, I was suppose#FF0000 ">d to head to foster care immediately. I was scared. I didn't know what would happen to me. So I ran away. To this day#FF0000 ">, though, my brother's death haunts me. Sometimes, I can't sleep at night without thinking about him.”
You don't need the last comma I highlighted here. Also, I'm finding this dialogue a bit unrealistic. When talking, do people really say however? Plus, what happened to his brother's body...? Did he just leave it to rot or something? You don't need answer this right now, I'm just intrigued, that's all.
“I lost my brother that way to#FF0000 ">o.” I said.
“You know,” #FF0000 ">he started, “#FF0000 ">when we came down here, we heard about a rumor about some runaway foster kid here in Road Wall.”
Dialogue punctuation.
“Couldn't? Couldn't?” I yelled, standing up and slamming my hands in the table. “You couldn't tell them to save my best friend? You just let Paul die? #FF0000 ">YOU LET HIM GET KILLED?”
This is more of a personal thing but I don't like full caps. It's off putting for me.
“No! You've done enough damage! #FF0000 ">YOU LET MY BEST FRIEND DIE!”
And again.
With that, I slammed my fork into the table, walked up the stairs, and slammed the door shut. At first, I kept my back against the door. Then, I slid down, and cried.
My main problem at the moment are emotions. Your saying that your MC is crying and that he's upset a lot, but you're not really showing us any emotions. It's a bit of a telling, not showing.
I walked out #FF0000 ">of the room and stood by my mom's door.
I slammed the door open to see what was going on. Abeiuwa was on the ground, passed out. John was trying to wake her by shaking her chest. My mom was panicking.
Everything's happening a bit too fast at the moment!
Suddenly, Abeiuwa grabbed John's arm and clenched it tightly#FF0000 ">. She opened her eyes slightly, and looked at her worried husband.
My question#FF0000 ">edwas answered when we heard a loud crash in Jasmine's room.
“So, Korrow,” I said, “#FF0000 ">are you ready for what may lie ahead of us?”
Dialogue punctuation again.
Overall
As a whole, this was a pretty good chapter. I really like the idea of it as a whole. As far as I can tell, it's original and I haven't seen or read anything similar to it before. That is always a good sign. If you can keep up with the originality of it, this should continue being a good story. When it comes to your characters, I quite liked them. Each one of them seemed to have their own individual personalities and they were interesting too. My only critique for the characters is the fact that I thought your MC was a girl at the beginning, until Korrow said something that made it obvious that he was a guy. I'm not really sure what advice to give you on that, to be honest. I think you just need to bare in mind that he is a guy and try and think about how guys think, speak, and behave. Most of the time, for example, they don't cry. Instead, they'll shout and smash things up. Not all guys, obviously, but most guys. Just be careful, basically. As for your spelling and grammar, it was pretty good. Your spelling was great, but I did find a few grammatical mistakes.
My main critique would probably be the fact that you weren't really showing many emotions in this. Then again, that wasn't really the problem. It was the fact that you were telling us how your MC was feeling, but you weren't showing us as such. You were saying that he was sad, that he was crying etc. You weren't showing us these things though. Instead of simply saying that Nick slammed the door, slid down the wall, and then cried, be more descriptive about it. Tell us about how there was a horrible lump at the back of his throat. What did the wall feel like against his back? Was it cold and rough? By using descriptions like this, it creates a negative mood and atmosphere. Therefore, you are portraying your characters emotions without simply saying that they were sad, happy, worried, or whatever. Do you understand what I'm trying to say? It's a case of showing, not telling, to be honest. The reason that showing is always important when describing is the fact that it simply makes the story more interesting. If you simply tell the reader everything that goes on, they will eventually get bored and probably stop reading. You obviously don't want that to happen, do you? Basically, instead of telling us that your characters are sad. Show us.
The only other thing that I want to comment on is the pace of this. It's the same thing as what UnderestimatedSmiles said. I felt that the speed of this story was a it fast. Everything seemed to happen so suddenly. Think about it. Overall, the things that happen in your story are your MC going to a funeral, listening to a story of Korrow's, going home and having food, getting angry with his mother, going upstairs and crying, going into another room and overhearing a conversation, going back downstairs, going back upstairs, someone passing out, the house being broken into, escaping out of the house, the house going on fire, then deciding that he is going to find his father. All of that happened within one, small chapter. Do you get my point? You're squishing a lot of things into a rather short piece of writing. Don't worry about including heaps of information a short space of time. Even things out a bit.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
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