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The Chaos (Chapter one)



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Tue Jun 29, 2010 4:35 pm
MasterofChaos says...



This is a novel that I've been writing for quiet a while, and is still under construction. (It currently has two completed chapters) I hope you enjoy my progress so far.


Chapter one
A freaky night



“Okay, class. Your only homework is to make sure you don't die until next Monday. See you next week.”

Today was Friday. Thank God it was. I was tired of all my school work and I was ready for the weekend. No more teachers nagging me and telling me what I did wrong. I didn't care. I didn't want to be in their classes anyway, so what's the point of bothering me?

As I packed my bags to get home, I heard my teacher call me. I sighed and turned around, walking to the desk. She glared at me, her glasses glistened in the light.

“Nick,” she started, a sigh in her voice. “I don't know what else to do with you! You've always been daydreaming and you rarely do your reports! If you keep this up, I'll have to retain you until you improve! Why don't you want to pass high school? Is there anything bothering you?”

There was. All my life, I've been thinking about my dad, who I haven't seen since I was seven. My mom won't tell me the truth. She always says he's dead, but I know she's lying. I don't get why she would be dishonest to her own son though.

“No, Mrs. Susan.” I lied, not wanting to tell her how I really felt.

She gave me a doubtful look, as if she could tell I was lying. Then she shook her head and look down.

“Riverson, I am disappointed in you.” She picked up a pen and started to write. “Good luck next week. You're gonna need it.”


I walked down the school building, still thinking about my dad. I can barley think, write, or even play a game without thinking of him. I wanted to know what happened, but no one would answer me.

“Yo Nick!”

I turned around and saw my best friend, Paul, run towards me. Ever since kindergarten, Paul and I were pals for life. And while we weren't in the same classes, we still hung out after school and went to the arcade at night. Now that it was the weekend, Paul and I had all the time we needed.

I smiled and walked over to him.

“Hey Paul.” I greeted, giving him a high five. “Got any plans for the weekend?”

“You bet, dude!” he smirked. “Why not go to McDonalds tonight?” He placed his arm on my shoulder. “I bet that will cheer you up!”

“Dude, I'm fine.” I said. “I don't need any cheering up.”

Paul looked at me in concern, then shook his head and sighed.

“Man, stop lying. You're still depressed about your daddy.”

I rolled my eyes at his remark.

“Paul, I'm fine...”

He shook his head again.

“Nick, dog, I want to help you man!” he tempted. “With me, we'll have a great time.”

I pondered over the idea for a minute. Yeah, I have been acting like a depressed bum for quite some time. I should probably do something fun for once. After some thinking, I sighed and finally gave in.

“So when do you want us to meet?” I asked.

“Tonight at eight.” He answered. “Be ready, it'll be a long night.”



After saying good-bye to Paul, I finally went to my house. As I walked inside, my little sister, Jasmine, ran to hug me.

“Nicky!” She greeted, giggling.

I smiled and I picked her up.

“Hey! How's my little princess?” I greeted back, smiling.

Surprisingly, Jasmine and I are best friends. We argue sometimes, but that's part of the reason why we love each other so much. In fact, I get along with her more than I get along with my mother. I gave my four-year-old sister a small kiss on the cheek and set her back down on the ground.

“It's the weekend!” she exclaimed, smiling brightly. “Now you can be home more and play with me!”

I smiled and rubbed her head.

“Of course. Anything for my little princess,” I added, giving her a kiss on a forehead.

“Nick!” My mother called from the kitchen, a fit of rage in her voice. “Get your black self in the kitchen right now!”

“Oh...mommy's mad,” Jasmine confessed sadly.

“I know, I know,” I replied, hugging my sister. “Be right back.”



At the kitchen table, I wanted to drown my mother out. She kept saying the same thing over and over when it comes to school.

“Teacher called,” my mom said. “How many times do I have to tell you that your dad is dead and that you need to move on?”

I ignored her.

“Nick Riverson!” she screamed.

I ignored her again.

“Answer me!”

“Mom, when are you gonna stop lying?” I asked, now tired of hearing the same thing over and over. “My dad is alive, and you know that.”

“Nick, Thomas is dead. Get over it!” she argued.

“Why are you acting like it's not a big deal?” I asked again.

“Nick, let's not bring this up again...”

“If dad's dead, then why-”

I threw my arms up and walked out.

“Forget it. I'm done. I'm not going through this again.”



I slammed my bedroom door shut, furious. When was my mom ever gonna stop lying to me? I mean I know she's lying, but never tells me why. I looked at my bed, then at the bed next to it. It was my brother's bed. Ever since his death, I would not allow anyone, even my best friend, to touch it.

“Here we go again, Micheal,” I said. When I was irritated, I always spoke to my brother to let go of my anger. “If you were still down here, you'd know what to do, right?”

The room filled with uncomfortable silence.

“I just want to know why my mom won't be honest with me.” I looked back outside. “I love my mom, but I want her to tell the truth. I mean-”

I was interrupted when I head a knock on the window. I sighed and opened it.

“Nick, are you ready?” Paul called, waving his arms around. “Hurry up before my mom comes back!”

I looked back at my bed. Then, with no more interruptions, I carefully climbed down the vine on my window and jumped safely to the ground.

“Let's go.”



Trying not to get caught, Paul and I snuck in my car and drove off into the night, ready to have our weekend. We laughed as we told stories about our friends at school. The funniest one was when Paul pulled a prank in the girls bathroom. The girls thought he brought in a real snake, where he actually brought a robotic one.

“Dude, you're a jerk!” I laughed, tears falling down my face. “Did you get caught by the teacher?”

“Not at all!” Paul bragged. “You see, I am the master of all pranks! No one can stop me!”

“If you say so...heh.”

I continued to focus on the road, hoping that we were close to McDonalds. After an hour, I realized that were five miles away from home.

“Hey, Paul,” I started. “You know the way to get fast food. So do you know the way back home?”

Paul's eyes widened with fear, then he looked at me nervously and gave a small chuckle.

“Uh, about that...I don't. My mom usually drives me here. I never pay attention.” he revealed.

“You idiot! You mean we're lost?”

“Apparently. At least we're near food, right?”

“Shut up before I kill you!”

“Sorry.”




After we ordered our food, I parked the car in the parking lot and ate my food angrily.

“Look, I'm sorry!” Paul apologized. “It slipped my mind!”

“I'm still gonna kill you,” I reminded. “Thanks to you, we're lost and we don't know how to get home.” I sighed and laid my head back on the seat.

“It's Friday, dog,” Paul comforted. “Let's not over stress ourselves.”

“You're right. You're right, I'm sorry.”

“I am too. Friends?”

“Friends.”

We looked out the window for a couple of minutes, and we saw something pretty interesting. Two people, one looked like he was fifteen and the other looked like a grown woman were talking to each other. The young one with red hair shook his head and tried to leave, but the woman lifted him by the neck and started to choke him.

“Hey, look!” Paul yelled. “She's trying to kill that boy!”

Being a nice guy, I got out the car and went to the scene, trying to end the fight. Paul followed behind.

“Put him down!” I yelled. “What did he ever do to you?”

The woman chuckled and squeezed the boy's neck tighter.

“Being naïve is his crime,” She answered with a smile. “So I'm giving him his punishment. Kids like you should stay out of our business.”

“'Our?'”

“...Help...” the boy choked, trying to break free. “I...can't...breath...”

“Let him go!” Paul screamed. “He didn't do anything wrong!”

“Yeah! Put him down!”

The woman smirked. Then, she flung the boy and crashed him into the sidewalk, knocking him unconscious. I looked at Paul, who was taking a step back.

“Dude, get up and run!” He urged.

“You heard him...” the woman tempted. “I was just trying to kill the boy, but you two will do as well.”

In a hurry, I lifted the boy on my shoulder, grabbed Paul's arm, and ran to the car.

“Let's get out of here!” I yelled, getting in the car and laying the boy in the back.

“All of this because you tried to be a hero!” Paul argued. “Good job!”

“Hey, he needed help! Now shut up and hang on!” I argued back, starting the car and speeding away.




So far, so good. We were finally away from that crazy woman, and all we had to do now was get the boy somewhere safe and find a way home.

“He's been out for a while,” Paul observed. “You think he's dead?”

“No, he's just knocked out,” I objected. “I'll take him somewhere away from that woman.”

“I guess.” He paused and looked back at the boy. “Hey, wait a minute! It's him!”

“Him who?”

“That foster kid that ran away from the foster home a month ago! It's him!”

I looked back at the unconscious boy, and I gasped. Paul was right!

“My god, it is him!” I looked at Paul, and he looked back at me. “What do we do?”

“Take him for your place! He'll be safe there.”

“You sure?”

“Positive, dog! You got him away from that woman, now you can-” Paul looked ahead, and screamed. “NICK, LOOK OUT!”

I looked ahead, and saw a truck coming straight our way. In a panic, I violently turned the steering wheel to the left. We screamed as the car started to tip to the side.

“We're gonna die!” Paul cried. “This the end of us!”

“Oh shut up!” I yelled. “I can fix this! Hold on!”

I turned the wheel to the right, landing the car back on the ground. We both sighed with relief, now glad to be alive. At the same time, we heard a moan in the back seat. We both looked back, and saw the boy slowly sitting up and holding his head.

“Well, look who's finally decided to wake up!” I said, smiling.

“Where am I?” the boy asked, opening his eyes.

“On the way to my house. That woman knocked you out cold, so I need to get you somewhere safe.”

“...I guess so. T-Thank you.”

Suddenly, the car jerked forward.

“Oh now what?” I whined, looking outside.

Piles upon piles of cars were either crashed into each other, burning, crashed into buildings, or blown into millions of pieces. Also, there were corpses everywhere, some even on fire. I felt sick to my stomach.

“Oh no...” Paul gasped. “We need to get out of here!”

“I would love to!” I said sarcastically. “Only one problem...I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET BACK TO ROAD WALL!”

“I know how!” The boy chimed in. “Here, let me give you directions.”



With the help of our new acquaintance, I finally made it to my house. To my surprise, my mom, sister, and Paul's mom were outside waiting for us. Our mothers had angry expressions on their faces.

“Out. The. Car,” my mom demanded. Not wanting to get possibly murdered, the three of us got out the car, getting ready for our punishment.

“Thanks for the call, Mary,” Paul's mother thanked, glaring at a nervous Paul. “The both of us are going to have a LONG talk.”

Paul gulped as his mother walked over to him, then proceeded to pull his ear. They both walked to their house, which was next door to ours.

“Nick, I can't believe you left without us knowing!” my mother started. “I was worried sick! Especially with the fact that there was a collision downtown!”

“I thought Nicky was dead!” Jasmine contributed, her eyes watery. “Don't do that Nicky!” She ran up and hugged me, crying like crazy.

“And who is this?” my mom then asked, pointing at they boy I saved.

“I-I'm sorry. My name is Korrow Maroon,” the boy responded. “Your son wanted me to go somewhere safe, so he picked this house.”

“I see. Well, seeing that my son did something good, I guess you can stay here for the night. As for my son, he's not going to drive for three weeks.”

I sighed.




Now that I was finally home, I started to think about what the heck just happened today. First, I was nearly attacked by a woman, then a truck nearly killed us all, and then we saw dead bodies in the middle of the road.

Maybe if I sleep it off, I'll forget about the whole thing.
Last edited by MasterofChaos on Wed Jun 30, 2010 4:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I no longer update here. I rewrote my story entirely. So long and thanks for all the fish!
  





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Reviews: 12
Tue Jun 29, 2010 7:47 pm
SuperSquirrel says...



Overall, it is a good start.

A few quoted points:

“Okay, class. Your only homework is to make sure you don't die until next Monday. See you next week.”

This entry is a good "hook", but it doesn't play into the rest of the chapter. You might consider just saying that there is no homework.

All my life, I've been thinking about my dad, who I haven't seen since I was seven.
...
“Man, stop lying. You're still depressed about your daddy.”
...
Yeah, I have been acting like a depressed bum for quite some time.

"All my life" isn't the best choice. Maybe it's been in the back of his mind ever since he disappeared, and it came back to the surface because it was Father's Day or something similar. Paul's quote seems to imply that the loss of Nick's father happened more recently. If Nick was driving age, that means Nick hadn't seen his dad in 9+ years. By that time, Paul wouldn't mention it, he would have accepted it. Nick's thought makes it seem like he hadn't done anything fun in a while.

“Here we go again, Micheal,” I said.

I think you mean Michael.

“...Help...” the boy choked, trying to break free. “I...can't...breath...”

Breathe.

“That foster kid that ran away from the foster home a month ago! It's him!”

Using "foster" twice seems redundant. Maybe "The kid that ran away from the foster home a month ago!"

“My god, it is him!”

God
“Positive, dog! You got him away from that woman, now you can-”

I think what you want is dawg.

Piles upon piles of cars were either crashed into each other, burning, crashed into buildings, or blown into millions of pieces. Also, there were corpses everywhere, some even on fire. I felt sick to my stomach.

Did Nick's driving cause it?

I guess the reason the review is so long is because of the passage's length. I can't wait for the next installments!
  





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Thu Jul 01, 2010 6:32 am
zankoku_na_tenshi says...



Nice to meet you, Chaos! I’m sorry for the wait, that’s something you might have to put up with a bit with me. ^^;

Wow! There was definitely some interesting stuff going on in this opening chapter, and I’m really curious to learn more about what’s going on here—especially with Korrow. The woman attacking him in the parking lot has my interest up, too—she was incredibly icy and cruel, and I can’t help but wonder what her motivation could possibly be. That and the chaos and destruction left in Nick’s wake as he tried to get home both make me very curious to see what the situation might be for Korrow, who he is and how he’s related to the issue of Nick’s father’s disappearance. There are a lot of elements to this story that suggest a lot of exciting things going on in the background, and I can’t wait to find out more about them—you’ve got me really hooked.

For the most part, I really like Nick’s narration. He seems real and relatable most of the time, and I can definitely feel the vulnerability and struggle beneath his façade of not caring. I could also really feel his closeness with Jasmine and Paul, and his anger at his mother, right through the pages of the story. I think that’s because the dialogue in this chapter was really strong—it felt very natural, and the way the characters interacted conveyed their relationships and their feelings for each other amazingly well. This is great—not many writers have a really good ear for dialogue, and I think yours is excellent, it defines each character with such skill that I feel like I could really get to know and understand them.

I do have to agree with SuperSquirrel that it seems a little strange that for the past 9+ years, Nick hasn’t thought about anything but his missing father. There are some things about that I can see, like the tension between him and his mother—which, by the way, is a really fascinating and exciting character conflict on its own, I’m just as curious as Nick as to why she is lying. But at the same time, I don’t think it would be the only thing on his mind ever. Eventually, things like that dim out in favor of things like school and work and other people. It doesn’t ever really go away, but right now it seems to be the only thing that really defines Nick as a person, and it’s hard to build a character based on that.

The other thing I think you might want to work on would be to put a little more effort into showing, rather than telling. I think the main problem that this story runs into is that it tells us about the character’s emotions rather than showing them to us, which cheapens all those emotions and makes them seem a little fake. This is what I think is the real problem with Nick’s grief and anger. It doesn’t feel like we’re reading the thoughts of a real person consumed by grief and anger, it sounds like we’re reading a character telling us that they’re sad and angry. I think maybe you should hold back on the revelation of what exactly Nick is struggling with until the first conversation with his mother, and, until then, just show us that he’s upset and struggling to connect to the real world. Showing his emotions instead of telling us why he’s emotional might work better for his character in the long run.

But despite some narration problems, I think this is a strong start. I’d be glad to read chapter two if you’ll post it, hope to see you soon~ ^_^
"The world is not beautiful, therefore, it is." --Kino's Journey

Hey, how about a free review?
  





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Wed Jul 07, 2010 2:48 am
UnderestimatedSmiles says...



It was good, but still needs some work. I think the two comments above got it all mostly, but for me, I have a few things. One, what was the whole importance of the car-colllision-dead-bodies-everywhere thing? Wouldn't Nick try to, I don't know, get out of the car and try to save a few people? And second, your writing just seems stiff, and forced. I would try to have it flow a bit more.
Keep it up!
Laugh, Smile, Have Some Fun, You Only Live Once!

People say the pen is mightier than the sword, but I don't know, a sword can actually kill you while a pen can just hurt your feelings...
  








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