A/N: Because I haven't posted any fiction on YWS in so long.
The Pajama Man -- Part 1/3
“Get this, man,” the barman said. “this dude comes in here earlier in his PJs and starts coughing his freaking lungs out. He says he wants a drink, but I tell him he needs to get himself to a hospital. But you’ll never guess what he tells me. He says he just ran away from the hospital.” He turned around and dropped a half-pint on the counter.
Jon took it and drank a sip. “This is good stuff, Max.”
“The beer or the story?”
“Both,” Jon said. “What did you do next?”
“What do you think I do?” the barman said. “I pick up the freaking phone to call 911, but this dude, he puts his hand into his pocket. I think he’s pulling out a gun on me, so I kind of freak out, but he takes out a wad cash like I never saw before.”
“So, this guy tried to bribe you not to call him an ambulance?”
“Yeah, Jonny. He counts two and a half grand and tells me I can have it if I put the phone down and get him a scotch.”
“What did he do when you refused,” Jon asked. Max looked at him sheepishly, without replying. “Don’t tell me you let him stay.”
“Why shouldn’t I? The guy freaking hands me two and a half grand. That’s enough to pay my rent for the next four months. If he dies I’ll go to his freaking memorial service.”
“If he was coughing he could be contagious,” Jon said. “What happens if it was TB or something?”
“He promised me it doesn’t spread, man.”
Jon shoved his beer forward. “I have to go,” he said. He could not believe Max could be so stupid. This pyjama guy, whoever he was, was insane. He ran away from a goddamn hospital, and yet Max was willing to take him on his word that his disease was not contagious.
“Look, Jonny,” Max said, “please don’t tell anyone what I told you, man.”
Jon didn’t answer. He slapped a tenner on the table, and stood up. “Keep the change,” he said. As he turned to leave a skinny pale man wearing pajamas at the corner of the bar coughed into his elbow twice and then began coughing and spluttering hysterically.
“You didn’t say he was still here, Max. I’m calling 911.” He picked up his cellphone.
“You can’t,” Max said.
“I can’t watch that poor man die, Max.” The man in pajamas collapsed to the floor and everyone in the bar was looking in his direction.
“Don’t call an ambulance. Please,” the man in pajamas said between coughs.
“You’ll die if I don’t,” Jon said. He dialed.
“Let me die,” the man spluttered. “Just don’t let them take me back to the hospital.”
“Operator, please send an ambulance to The Moon Bar on 22nd street between 7th and 8th Avenue. Urgently, please.”
The man picked himself up off the floor. Still coughing, he walked towards the exit. “Now you’ve done it,” he said looking at Jon hatefully. Three feet from the door, he collapsed and lost consciousness.
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139,665 Literary Works • 672,645 Reviews
Aww, you changed pyjamas.
You can spell it that way, it's just not American. 
Disadvantage: the title reminds me of The Boy in the Striped Pajamas. Immediately, the reader connects your work to something that's been wonderfully crafted.* Not that yours isn't--but it's in the works, so ymmv on whether this is a good thing or not.
You had me until this paragraph. Please, for the love of writing (I feel I can say this to you), DO NOT WRITE THIS WAY. GAH. Ok, calming. ;P
Just by saying that Jon shoved his beer forward and left in a huff, you convey his disgust at both the pajama guy and the bartender. If you really want to show his thought process, please make it interesting. The paragraph you have is saying "they did this so they're obviously this." It's telling me what's going on. Compare:
See? All I changed is the way things were said. Obviously, mine's not perfect either, and you shouldn't use my phrasing (because it's mine, not yours, and you need to use your own, obviously), but it would be easier for me to read your story if things were changed in this way.
Nitpick:
Can you spot the error?
Spoiler
That's all I have to say for now. Honestly, the latter part didn't interest me at all--a shame, because I was very much drawn in by your opening. You have the gift, it just needs fine-tuning.
Incidentally, do you know how you would code italics inside italics? It made my brain hurt trying to figure it out, so I left it alone. (I read too many comics. >.>)
*I only read part of TBitSP. From what I read, it was good, and I'm also citing its critical acclaim. If you think it's garbage (hey, all kinds), good for you! Write something better.
Thanks Firepup.
Great review. I understand and agree with your point about the latter part of the story. Honestly, I don't know whether your rewrite helps the problem much, but you're definitely right about the problem. I will edit fairly soon.
Heya Yoda. You have a great grasp of your characters, even if you didn't use tags of who said what, each voice is distinct enough for me to tell who's speaking, and that's what characterization is all about. You seriously nailed it! This is definitely a compelling story I'm interested in seeing through to the end. =)
-"The man in pajamas collapsed to the floor and everyone in the bar was looking in his direction."
This line is a really good visual. However, it brought to my attention that the sense of sound is missing from the environment of the bar throughout the story. Of course, you could leave it up to the reader to image it; I imaged the man in pajamas to collapse with a thud that silenced the bar. But it’s unclear as to what sounds you want the reader to experience.
Your dialog has contrast and vibrancy; I think adding the sounds of what's happening in the background can only amplify the scene and add dimension. Awesome writing. =)
Mahalo,
Thanks a million Mahalo.
This is purposefully minimalist. I understand your sentiments however, and the story could definitely use a little description, but I wanted the focus of the reader squarely on the dialogue itself for this piece.
You were doing great... right up until here. And then it gets super tell-y. And it's not just a little bit of telling. Just a sentence would have been okay, but we have three in a sudden burst of narrative input, and one of them just ups and informs us of a character's belief when a single piece of dialogue would have done the trick far less obtrusively.
...reading that over, it doesn't make much sense. Basically, the main issue aside from the sudden lump of telling is the sudden shift in narrative input. Before this point, and immediately after, the narration is completely impartial and concerned only with describing the characters directly-observable actions. This chunks is the only section where private character thoughts are disclosed, and it just sticks out like a sore thumb.
Strongly seconding Shinobi's comments on the use of "hysterically". Also on the corrections he made.
Tense shift between "collapsed" and "was looking".
And how do we know he lost consciousness right then? All the other described actions are directly observable, except for this losing consciousness bit, and it's a bit incongruous. It also leaves me wondering how distant the narrator is? Is the narrator omniscient? Limited? Impartial or biased?
The narrative voice needs a bit more consistency.
Thanks a million Kyll. You are spot on with the change of narrative consistency. I have been trying to find ways to make narrative voice shifts go unnoticed, andwas unsure whether this one screamed amateur or whether it would go unnoticed, so this was just the feedback I was after.
Darn cliffhangers. I want to read more!
Anyway, I like your style of narrative, it's really laid back but you still manage to build up tension. It's really entertaining, and it makes you want to keep reading. I'm going to do my best to review this, but I'll really have to be nitpicking.
---the barman said. "---
Okay, so I'm a dope when it comes to quotations and stuff, but just to be safe, the next word isn't capitalized, so I think that, just maybe, and please tell me if I'm wrong because I might just be, that the period should be either a comma, or the next letter should be capitalized.
---but he takes out a wad cash like I never saw before.”---
"wad of cash"
Later on you say he's coughing "hysterically", which technically mans "of or arising from hysteria", and hysteria doesn't cause coughing. Like I said, super nitpicky, but you could say uproariously or something like that, it's not like this is technical writing or anything.
Sorry, it's awkward for me to review a writer who is more talented than I am. I hope my review helps, this is really pretty much as good as it can get without much editing needed. You worked hard, and I can't wait for the next part! Great job, keep writing, and please tell me if I'm misinformed about the quotations!
Thank you, Shinobi. I really appreciate the detailed review and thick flattery. Your point on the hysterically is very appreciated. I would never have picked up on that. Also, as you pointed out, the next letter should be capitalized after the barman said.
This is really interesting! I can't wait until you post the next part.
Just two things I noticed. In the following sentence you spelled "pajama" wrong.
"This pyjama guy, whoever he was, was insane."
Also, right near the end, you could use a comma.
"...he said, looking at Jon hatefully."
That's really all I noticed, very nice story.
Thanks for your review Storm. Glad you liked it.