A/N: I have an Advanced Writing Workshop tomorrow, and the task was to create a two page fictional story that uses an aspect of your life. This is what I came up with. Let me know what y'all think. Also, thanks to cC, I have uploaded an edited and better version for your entertainment.
The English C
“Tim, can you stay for a minute? I need to talk to you.”
Tim exchanged glances with Mike and Jerry before lifting his bookbag off his shoulder and dropping it to the ground. “Looks like we’ll have to continue this later,” he said.
Mrs Jeffries stood at the board biting her lower lip as she rolled a stick of chalk between her fingers absently. She looked genuinely concerned and waited until the last few students had left before she spoke.
“You got 63 percent again, Tim,” she said.
Tim found that oddly funny, but he just shrugged.
“Don’t you care, Tim?”
“It’s not like I want to get a C, Mrs Jefferies.”
“I don’t understand Tim. Every quarter you somehow manage to get exactly 63 percent.” Tim had also read How to Win Friends and Influence People, but he doubted even Dale Carnegie could justify the number of times she repeated his name.
“What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t want you to say anything, Tim. You are better than this. Just try a little bit harder. You are a B student, Tim.” Calling him a B student would not have been on Dale Carnegie’s agenda either.
He coughed a little cough to cover his scowl, and nodded. “Is that all, Mrs Jefferies?”
“For now, Tim. For now.”
---
There was a spider’s web hanging off the old brick wall, and a little black creature was hanging off a silken thread like spiderman. It descended into Mike’s bush of curly blonde hair, waving eight legs about in slow motion.
“You got a spider in your hair,” Tim said.
“You’ve got a vindictive English teacher in yours,” Mike said. “Wait, do I really have a spider in my hair?”
“Can you believe she had the nerve to call me a B student to my face? What a jerk.”
“Well,” Mike said, “I thought she was being generous. You’re a C-plus student at best.”
“Here, let me get that spider for you.” Tim swatted Mike in the head.
“Ouch,” Mike said, rubbing his head. “So, what are you going to do?”
“To do?”
“You know, about being called a B student.”
Tim plucked the silken thread hanging off the spider web and swung the spider around. “I’m going to get a goddamn A,” he said. “See how she likes that.”
---
“Tim, can you stay for a minute? I need to talk to you.”
Mrs Jefferies stood at the board with a poker face until it was just Tim and her in the room. She maintained her poker face as she reached into her handbag and produced a fat pile of papers. She rifled through them, licking her thumb every ten or so pages, before she finally arrived on what he could only assume was his.
“This,” she said, “is some interesting work, Tim. Interesting work indeed.”
“Thank you, I guess.” Tim waited for her to continue, but she just studied him with hawkish eyes. He stared back for a few seconds and then blinked. “Okay, I give up. How did I do?”
“How do you think you did, Tim?” She had rolled up his paper and was brandishing it at him like a magic wand.
“Are you really going to make me guess, Mrs Jefferies?”
“Yes, I am, Tim. Yes, I am.”
“Okay, then,” Tim said. He picked up his bookbag, swung it over his shoulder and exited the classroom, glancing back once to take in Mrs Jefferies’ stunned expression.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I liked this! My eleventh Grade teacher was a horrible teacher!! She assigned essay's on a one night's notice! So I am well aware of monster teachers!! I like the plot and idea of it!
I think teachers are too hard on the students!!
I mean, we have choice but to do the work! Is it our fault it's hard? NO!!
GRR!! I like this story!! Good Job
Hello!
This was the line that stuck out to me. It needs a bit of a reworking. You use "hanging" twice in very close proximity, and there are so many words you could use to substitute one or both of the "hanging"s. You are also writing in passive voice here (with the "was"s). I also wouldn't start with "there was." You simply don't need it if you're writing in active voice. Try this: "A spiderweb hung off the old brick wall, and a little black creature dangled off a silken thread." (I wouldn't include Spiderman if I were you since it's obvious already that it's a spider, and Spiderman is too obvious a comparison since Spiderman is a man with the powers of a spider.)I quite liked this. Your minimal description was a nice change from the over described dribble I'm used to reading. I like that you were able to convey what was happening through dialogue.
There are a few things that I found lacking, however.
I think you need a bit more buildup to the confrontation with the teacher. It felt a bit lacking. Not much, but there was something that needed more.
Other than that section, you do an excellent job of writing in the active voice and using as few words as possible.
I noticed that you use some repeated words. In a piece this short, it is best to keep repeated words to a minimum. I see that you use "silken" twice. Not many other things, but keep an eye out in case I missed some
This should be "you've" instead of "you"
It bothers me that you don't add a period at the end of "Mrs." Perhaps I'm old fashioned, but grammar says it should be that way.
Anyway, you've done quite a nice job in a short piece. Good work! Happy writing.
This. This. Amazing! I think the first part reads off much better with this and there is not character confusion in my head like last time.
I like the end, Yoda!
Characters come off the page quite well.
Just a nitpick, since assignment and all: I thought there should be a period/fullstop after title contractions? As in Mrs. Jeffries?
Thanks Lava
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mrs.
Oh wow! So, I've been mixing more of Brit English and Am English. I really need to stop that. Guh. Or is what I use Indian English? Anyway, good luck! c:
Man, I hope you realize that I mean this as good criticism, I'm not trying to be mean. But I didn't like that at all. It was short even for a short, it was rather boring, plain and there were no descriptions. There was one description, the part with the spider web on the black wall. To be honest, this was my favourite part of the story, it was only three lines but it was definitely my favourite part. :/ Try to liven things up, there are so many things in this that could be changed. It's not that you worded things wrongly, it's just that you didn't bother to word things at all. I know it's a short and it has to be only two pages but man, put some effort in. What is it about? Did he get an A? Why did he just walk out? Does e not have to come back to class the next day? Did a day pass in between?
Keep writing, but please put more effort in.
With regards,
TS
It's not mean, it's your opinion. I am a firm believer in literary minimalism. See this link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minimalism ... minimalism
A great writer doesn't need adjectives. And minimalism takes far greater effort than gross description.
Okay, well.. I guess if that's how you write than that's how you write
Good luck with your future stories...
Hey man, read it over again and found it much better than indie the first time, probably because the first time I read it was in the middle of a computer class with the bell about to go. Sorry I came down on it so hard, it's not half bad
no probs
btw, I understand why you wouldn't like the style. It's really just personal preference.
I get you
I'm just more of a descriptive man myself 
I'm not sugar coating any of this, so he we go.
What seemed a little odd to me was the pacing. It wasn't off, but it was very unusual. More like reading poetry than prose, almost. Just because of the bare minimalism of it all.
This was good. Not the best I've ever seen, but it'll probably pass for a Lit class.
I found that simile to be dry and rather repetitive. Avoid using "weightless" modifiers/decorations/words. This is so short as-is, I would recommend reaching for a more colorful/original diction.
Personally, I didn't really like the whole "blankness" of the tone. It fits with your theme, but I would have liked to see a little more establishment of the characters. Just a few lines of description could go a long way, you know. But I'm not sure what your assignment was, so not sure if that's applicable or not.
Nice little reversal at the end there. Humorous, but not over the top. Makes a nice little point/conclusion at the end.
This is very short, so... not a lot more I can put here.
Good luck,
~ED
you did great with the characters and how determined they were i think it was great
really,but i don't like how Tim swears and whatnot i also think he was short tempered i don't
know if that was planed or not but overall it was great!
great short i wonder where you got the idea to write about what you did? i hope you make a second part!your a great writer i mean it!keep writing i hope to read more of you shorts.