My First Work

Hello Massy!

This is a cute poem you have here, great for a first work! (Side note: consider actually using a title for the piece, instead of just 'My First Work')

A couple suggestions/corrections:

- I walked to him and said ‘Bonjour sir’
J’aime ta petite belle fleur
→ Hm. The second quotation mark should be after fleur, and not sir. Additionally, fleur (when spoken in French) and sir don’t really rhyme, even if ‘sir’ refers to the French pronunciation of the abbreviation for ‘monsieur’. Also, it is more fluent to write ‘belle petite fleur’. If you REALLY want to be specific, it is more polite to use ‘votre’ instead of ‘ta/ton’ when talking to a stranger, but that’s not that important at all.

- I saw the hunch back of Notre Dam
→ should read: hunchback of Notre-Dame

- “At the Stade de France”
→ If you say ‘Stade de France’, it encourages some readers to inwardly pronounce France with its French pronunciation, with does not, unfortunately, rhyme with chance.

- So I said to my friend Billy
Isn’t she just silly
→ There is a lack of quotation marks and a question mark on that last line.

- etc.

In terms of subject matter, it was rather fluffy in substance, and it seemed to jump to all sorts of random subjects (that’s probably due to the theme, though). Consider using punctuation to enhance flow, and changing the rhyming scheme (as well as the chosen rhymes) to make it a bit less awkward. Overall, it made me smile! Good work, and keep on writing

Hello Massy!

This is a cute poem you have here, great for a first work! (Side note: consider actually using a title for the piece, instead of just 'My First Work')

A couple suggestions/corrections:

- I walked to him and said ‘Bonjour sir’
J’aime ta petite belle fleur
→ Hm. The second quotation mark should be after fleur, and not sir. Additionally, fleur (when spoken in French) and sir don’t really rhyme, even if ‘sir’ refers to the French pronunciation of the abbreviation for ‘monsieur’. Also, it is more fluent to write ‘belle petite fleur’. If you REALLY want to be specific, it is more polite to use ‘votre’ instead of ‘ta/ton’ when talking to a stranger, but that’s not that important at all.

- I saw the hunch back of Notre Dam
→ should read: hunchback of Notre-Dame

- “At the Stade de France”
→ If you say ‘Stade de France’, it encourages some readers to inwardly pronounce France with its French pronunciation, with does not, unfortunately, rhyme with chance.

- So I said to my friend Billy
Isn’t she just silly
→ There is a lack of quotation marks and a question mark on that last line.

- etc.

In terms of subject matter, it was rather fluffy in substance, and it seemed to jump to all sorts of random subjects (that’s probably due to the theme, though). Consider using punctuation to enhance flow, and changing the rhyming scheme (as well as the chosen rhymes) to make it a bit less awkward. Overall, it made me smile! Good work, and keep on writing

Hi! Rurouni here!

We should get into it, yes?

This has a good concept. But you went off theme. Lady bugs? That's too far off the road for me personally, so maybe go back and make sure you stick to your theme. (then again I don't know, are there many lady bugs in France?)

Also, in the... second line, take out the comma, it's too awkward there. And how did you get the word France? It should rhyme (if I am thinking correctly) with Sam and Dam.

Review your rhyme scheme and your topic and retry! A good work so far, just needs some improvement.

I must go now!

-Ruro-