I remember the way he used to look at me. I swear, sometimes his eyes would sparkle as he gazed into mine. He was perfect in every way possible. He promised he would never hurt me. He promised he would never leave me, but he lied. . .
Things were going good. We were happy. The mall was our favorite place to go. We didn’t always have money, but we didn’t care. We loved to imagine beautiful silky sheets and a huge bed on our shopping list -not that it would fit in our shack of an apartment- but it was always blank. We didn’t need money; we made ourselves happy with each other.
One lazy morning we sat at the food court, silently eating an order of fries. I looked up at him,” Babe ?” I paused. He nodded for me to continue. “I’m pregnant.”
His reaction. . . I’ll never forget. He stared lifelessly at me for quite some time. I was so scared he would want me to get rid of it. The fact was, we couldn’t afford a baby, so why would he be excited ? At that thought he quickly stood up, making his chair skid across the floor, and ran around the table to me. He picked me up and just hugged me. I could feel as he started to smile on my neck. At that moment I knew, nothing could ever be that bad as long as I had him and my baby.
He softly sat me down back in my chair, then returned to his. We quickly started discussing baby names. It was, very surprisingly, his idea. “What about Seth for a boy ?” “Maybe. What do you think about Alicia for a girl ?” We went on, ,until he found his perfect baby name, Alex. “Come on babe ! It can be for a girl or a boy !” “I just don’t know, lets continue discussing, okay ?”
He threw a tantrum. He stood up, dropping his chair. So many people stared at us. “But I WAT ALEX !” he yelled. I turned bright red with embarrassment. He started storming away. “Fine, Alex it is ! Ok—.“ Then I was cut off by people screaming. I looked around, confused at what was happening. That is when I heard gun shots. They echoed in the food court. I dashed under the table, screaming for him to get down.
I looked up and he was on the floor . . . but there was a puddle of blood around him. I stood up and ran to him. I could hear sirens. I didn’t care if I got shot. I wasn’t even sure if the shooter was still there. I didn’t care.
I turned him over, “Baby, please, wake up. I love you. You can’t leave me. We need you. Please, baby, stay.” I pleaded with him, until his eyes just barely opened. I quickly grabbed his hand. He gurgled blood, then muttered, “Take care of our Alex.” His eyes closed and that was the end. I lost the love of my life, but I have my baby, Alex. He is all I have. He is all I need because I know Alex is a part of him. He is all I have left of him. I’ll love them forever and always after.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello Marydinoshaw!!
This is Eros here to write a review!!
Your first piece was really a BANGING one!!
This is a very beautiful piece. I liked it. It expresss a very deep emotion of love. This story has a sad emotion. When I finished reading I went up again and read if this was a reality story and I got releif when I saw it was dramatic. You have used good group of words and arranged them in the most beautiful way. But I wanted to know why was the firing going on?
Rest, everything is written beautifully. The style of writing is very unique. The dialogues are spread throughout the piece like the spices on the pizza. And it was a really great work. You have done extremely well. You have a great power of writing. You are a talented writer.
Keep writing...
For we all love to keep reading them...!
The idea for the story is quite sad and good to begin with. Despite the fact it is a short story, it does feel rushed and predictable. Being predictable is not a bad thing if you have aimed towards it. If that was the thing you wanted to be delivered then it was a great job and if not then you have to work upon it. Use of words and vocabulary was simple and sweet.
And kudos over the title. I never guessed that he was going to die.
Over all a good job and keep on writing mate! Cheers!
~WriteLife
The idea for the story is quite sad and good to begin with. Despite the fact it is a short story, it does feel rushed and predictable. Being predictable is not a bad thing if you have aimed towards it. If that was the thing you wanted to be delivered then it was a great job and if not then you have to work upon it. Use of words and vocabulary was simple and sweet.
And kudos over the title. I never guessed that he was going to die.
Over all a good job and keep on writing mate! Cheers!
~WriteLife
This is amazing and emotional story. It's so sad and so well written. The last paragraph was emotional and sad but it also felt really rushed as did some of the other paragraphs. If I were you I would look back and lengthen in not only detail but perhaps maybe in scenes.
Although I have to say it's am amazing story and it's very well written.
Don't stop writing!
Mad Writer
Wow, when I read the description of him leaving her, I thought you meant him abandoning her for something else. I did not expect him to die! Wow, that's so sad!
Anyway, I thought this was a nice short story about the girl getting pregnant, and the guy being happy instead of sad, and names, but I thought you really did a great job of enhancing the level of emotion in the story by making the guy die. It heightened the reader's capacity to care for the characters, which is important, especially in a short story, because you don't really have the kind of space or time that you would have with a novel, to convey that raw emotion. I thought that you could even have extended the portion where he passed away, and really cherish their last couple moments together.
The only real "criticism" comments I have are that the last paragraph are a little rushed. It seems like you tried to condense all that feeling into one paragraph, and it would have showed more if you had dived into it a little deeper. Also, when you were saying that the guy opened his eyes and "muttered" take care of our Alex, I think "murmured" may have been a better word choice. Muttered is what I think of when an annoying teenager mutters under his breath, or says something reluctantly. Murmured has more of a "last words" kind of vibe, or a soft spoken, heartfelt, promise, which is first and foremost what this is, right?
In any case, this was very well written, and I might even suggest a follow up segment with her and Alex in the future, maybe him asking about his dad, and going to get revenge on the shooter, and all that jazz.
I hope this was at least a little bit helpful!
~Caterpickle