Gray Lace
There was once a girl with a foot in both worlds.
On one hand, there was the dismal existence she had been involuntarily thrust into, on the other, there was the beautiful haven she had built herself. As she placed a bit more of herself further into the unknown, and farther from the world she had come to know and hate, the more her very essence seemed to stretch, until eventually, half her heart was too far gone, and before she knew it, she had cast a rather large part of herself into a life so different than the one she was half shackled to.
There was Grayson, who dragged her feet, heart heavy.
And then,
Lacey, who dragged her feet due to the abundance of strings, and lack of masters.
Thus began the tale of the heaven that never existed, and how it collided with the hell we know all too well.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, this is a pretty cool little start to this story here, that opening certainly catches your attention right off the bat with the premise that it holds there of someone that's somehow existing in two worlds at the same time and then the rest of it does a wonderful job with continuing in that vein there. It looks like someone that ended up being part of a strange world and then somehow got caught up a little too much in said world and is now experiencing the result of that there. Well at any rate, this is off to a very intriguing start here.
Well, things got a few orders of magnitude more vague towards the end there, definitely raising a lot of questions there to end things with aand well, it seems to be mentioning two other characters there potentially or perhaps that first character is still the same, that is a tiny bit confusing there.
That aside though, the last line there definitely ends things on a very intriguing note there cause it seems to be hinting at so much more than what it appears to be on the surface. On the whole, I'd say this is a pretty solid prologue here and one that managed to get my attention at any rate. It seems like something that I would read at any rate.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey, Marysue! The cat is here to review your prologue here!
I don't normally review novel chapters/prologues etc., although I'll give this a shot. There are already many others who have said what I have to say, but, of course, I'm too lazy to read all of them. Sorry!
When reading this, I kind of got confused because you told about two protagonists or was it an antagonist and a protagonist? Yes, that's the problem:
You talk about both of these female characters, but I don't understand who was being spoken of in the context itself. I'm not fully awake, so I apologize for any misunderstandings.
It's hard to believe that this is more than just half the main paragraph in the prologue. Since it's so long, it's well, hard to catch breaths. Run-on sentence much?
First you talk about feet, now you talk about hands. I know that this may be done figuratively, however it still doesn't make sense. Please explain?
All in all, it was okay, but there should be some more information, and not just around one or two paragraphs that don't tell much. A prologue is the one that gives or starts suspense. It doesn't do anything different.
Keep writing!
~Kitty
Hey Mary Sue!
It's all up to where you want to go with this.
Much of what I wanted to say has been said, so I'll keep it short.
First of all, this really doesn't sound like a prologue :3 When you are writing a prologue, its intention is usually to provide background into a story and providing the setting, all the while keeping it intriguing enough to allow the reader to move on.
However, here, you have kept it really vague. (Like Snoink said, more of a prologue.) I think you could modify it to suit your needs, though. You could add in the first part of the plot, or actually be more specific about which 'world' she is referring to. Either way might work
Next up, you might want to review your syntax. It's fine as it is, but you generally have really long sentences (I have the same issue XD ) and can make things look haphazard, and tiring to read as well. I liked your use of space, but the middle paragraph is probably a tad too scrunched up for me.
Especially this part:
That's one entire sentence. It works for creative writing, but try to segment it a bit! Short sentences have more impact, in some cases.
I hope to see more of your work!
Keep Writing~
-Binder
I think I was just confused as for what to call it, I didn't consider it a chapter, so I suppose more of a preface?
It wasn't the whole "Prologue" bit I was set on, I just thought of this as a little intro (but like I said, not quite a chapter yet...), and I wanted to keep it vague, because as the story goes on, the 'world' will be revealed and a lot more will be elaborated on.
thank you though xD Yeah, I have to work on my sentence length. I think the problem I had with the one scrunchy bit, is that, I wasn't sure how to split it into sentences, I had trouble finding a good point at which to split it at.
Thank you very much though!
-deleted-
I don't know if it was the way you copied your prologue over or the way you wrote it, but everything seems scattered about.
the one she was half shackled to.
You had Grayson, who dragged her feet, heart heavy.
And then,
Lacey, who dragged her feet due to the abundance of strings, and lack of masters.
I think that it should be one whole paragraph, from You to masters. You had Grayson who dragged her fee, heart heavy. And then Lacey, who dragged her feet due to the abundance of strings and lack of masters.
Kind of like that, I think.
Also, with this short prologue I am sort of in the dark. Who is this person and who is Lacey and Grayson and where are they? Both worlds? What worlds? Does she created the other world inside her imagination, its very existence held alive by her thoughts? Or is it another planet? What is the place like?
Also, your second paragraph is full of commas and no periods. A stereotypical paragraph should have four sentences, not four commas.
I love how you write though. Your style is very unique and colorful.
Sounds like an intriguing story idea, tell us how it goes and post your additions! I am looking forward to them!
Oh, I wrote it that way on purpose. Since I usually post my work on DeviantArt, I got use to putting a lot of spacing into my story, since I'd rather not have it all in one big block, and because of the way I was thinking when I was actually writing it. Though, I do understand that's it's probably not the most professional way to be formatting my work ^^"
As for it being sporratic (sp? I'm awful at spelling..) I was sort of trying to make it that way, since this story will be coming from two different point of views. (I can't tell if you meant sporratic in format or plot, so this was just a response to if it was plot)
I appreciate it though, and I'll try and put it into paragraphs, I just need to get back in that habit.
Also, I suppose this isn't really a prologue as much as a short little starting point or preface, I think I was just at a loss as to what to call it at the time xD Though, it was meant to be very, very vague. My goal is to answer these questions the farther the reader goes into the story.
Thanks for letting me know about the commas! I do have a tendency of using run-ons, so, I'll fix that up!
Thank you very much though! I'm glad to hear you enjoyed the little bit I put up so far! I have a lot planned for this, so I'm excited to post more! Thank you so much for the feedback!
No problem! When you write more, post it!
I've never been good a t reviewing anything, but here goes:
When I read this, I though it was going to be like some sort of fairy tale, but i'm glad I read on.
I thought this was interesting how you talk about how what's happening to her, her going father down the rabbit hole, I guess you could say, has cast her heart, possibly in two, or maybe one part was just lost along the way and maybe altered it, into what feels as if it may no longer be as shackled as it once was, that maybe some type of weight has been lifted from her in some way possibly.
I actually had no idea what you meant by abundance of strings and the lacking of masters as an explanation to her heavy heart and dragging feet. Possibly her dragging feet being due to the strings used to manipulate, but no one assuming the role of the puppet master, so to speak, and not being able move as unmarred as she would wish, at least that's my guess.
The beginning of something that never was, and how it clashed with another that always has and always will be. This is what caught me. I think this is what will make anyone who read this want to wait and read like I do. Keep it coming!!
xD I actually wanted to start it off in your cliche fairytalish manner, I'm glad you decided to read on too though ^^
I actually was referring to one of those marionette dolls at the "strings but no master" part, the lack of a master will be elaborated on more, later though.
I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thank you very much for the feedback!!
Hi MarySue! And welcome to YWS.
I don't know whether you need this prologue? I mean, it's interesting because she has her feet in two different worlds. Cool! And you have Grayson drag her away. Also cool! But, this seems like more of a back cover (or synopsis) than it actually seems like the beginning of a story. Which is good, because it's hard to write synopses, and this one is actually pretty intriguing. But, I think you would be better off starting at chapter one and leaving this prologue behind.
Best wishes for you and your novel! And don't forget to keep writing.
Hello! And thank you very much1
Ah, well, I'm not sure if 'prologue' is the right word exactly xD It was just a starting point for me, and I didn't want to consider it the first chapter...I think I meant "preface".
Also, my intent wasn't that Grayson was literally dragging Lacey away, more as they're both being dragged down by some sort of struggle. I'm glad you thought it was interesting though!
While I don't think I'm going to leave it behind, I do plan on making Chapter 1 a bit more sensical, I do appreciate your feedback though!
Thank you very much!!
Hello! I'm here to review you!
First off, welcome to YWS, I hope you can feel like part of the community soon!
In the second sentence, I would have worded it like 'On one hand, she had been involuntarily thrust into a dismal existence, but on the other, she had created a beautiful haven for herself'. Using 'you' in this style just seemed a bit out of place. (It's the same with the bit about Grayson...)
Also, rather than having this as a prologue, it would have fit better as a little intro to the first chapter. It's very short, and must be symbolic, so the reader will find it more interesting to read with the story following directly afterward.
That concludes that! You did great with grammar, and other than the first sentence, which shouldn't have a comma, it's all perfect!
I'll be reading the first chapter, just to see where you go with this,
-Buggiedude2340
Thank you!
Now that you mention it, the P.O.V. does get a bit hairy there, I'll fix it straight away! I think this was meant to be more of an intro, and I wasn't quite sure what to call it, so I apologize xD
Thank you very much though! I really appreciate the feedback!