Grayson trudged through the halls of St. Agatha's, arms drawn up to her chest in a nervous shield. She slides through the crowded hallways, slipping narrowly through throngs of tired, caffeine ridden adolescents.
Flicking a wisp of brown hair away from terrified eyes, her fingers clutched anxiously at a beige forearm, tiny white crescent moons leaving trails of small, flushed indents.
Don't notice me. DON'T notice me. Don't NOTICE me.
The silent mantra simmered nicely in her apprehensive thoughts, and karma began it's merciless cycle again. Or so Grayson had come to believe; what goes around comes around, and all that jazz.
What she had done to have brought the horror of public highschool upon herself, she had no idea. Weighed down by the daunting shackles of chemistry and co-ed physical education, she had begun to work up quite a thick skin. No longer a main target of arrogant tarts and sharks, having stopped crying ages ago. With a poker face that would put a statue to shame, she had managed to suffieciently cut herself off from the rest of the school's populace. The sturdy wall she had built around herself soon morphed into an overwhelming numbness, until nothing was all she could feel. Her heart beat for the unidentifiable loneliness, and with that, she tumbled head first into the end.
The only company she kept being her black Sharpie, she would meander carelessly through the days of velvet afternoons and eggshell mornings, notating what she wanted wherever she could, from the typical; journals, scrap pieces of paper. To the lonely artist hot spots; napkins (new or used) and book margins. All the way to the down right strange (and slightly illegal), bookshelves in IKEA, and school walls.
In her script, she she didn't move mountains (though she managed to move herself to the Dean's office, awfully fast), she didn't change the world - but that in itself was perhaps one of her biggest accomplishments.
In her elegant fine print; she made her own.
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140,456 Literary Works • 673,226 Reviews
Hi, MarySue!
I just want to say, your word choice is great. I love the way you describe Grayson's surroundings while leaving enough to the imagination to be interesting. I'm really curious as to where you're going with this story and I hope to keep reading. Besides the few grammatical errors the other reviewers had pointed out, it's great so far. Keep writing!
I like your story so far. I think it should've been longer, but the adjectives you used created a very vivid picture. It kept me entertained and absorbed.
I don't know if I would have put so many parenthesized phrases in, but you made it work. I like the detail and the general flow of your story.
There were grammatical errors, like the others have said. I'm pretty sure my stories are choke full of them too, so I can't really call you on those.
Uhm, other than the shortness and errors, you're good! I look forward to reading more!(:
Hello there, MarySue, and welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here so far
Now, the other reviewers have (repeatedly) covered the part concerning grammar issues and general sentence structure, I'm not going to go over that again.
However, there are definitely things I think you could improve on when it comes to this chapter. First off, it's very short. There is no rule or requirement for the length of a chapter, sure, but there are logical points when a chapter should or doesn't have to end. For example, after your last line, you could've kept writing as the same chapter. Put a * for a short break, perhaps, and switch to some event - it would stay equally dramatic, and give the readers (and reviewers, heh) more to dig into.
Of course, maybe this is a chapter fragment, in which case ignore my note above.
Second, in this chapter you basically just speak about the protagonist and her situation, and yet I barely know anything about her. You give us her name, a hint of her appearance, and tell us a bit about what brought her to the state she's in and what's it like for her, but we don't really see any of it. In the beginning, we do, through the way she walks among people and her way of thinking - but then, it's basically reading her backstory.
Which might work, regardless of the well known show, don't tell tactic which just isn't present here, if it was spread throughout a longer chapter, or presented as her thoughts or maybe even diary entries.
Also, if she's turned numb and whatnot from everything she's been through, would she really be so desperate about the whole situation? I think you should decide, if she was brought to the point where she no longer even cares or does it still pose a huge problem for her.
Apart from those things, however, I am interested in knowing what this novel will be about. From what I did see, though mostly from the end of this chapter, it has quite an interesting concept, and I think it could develop into a very good story. I'll keep following it if you keep posting, and do let me know if you ever need anything
Kind regards,
~Aria
Heya, Mary!
The name's Storm, and I will be reviewing for ya on this very, very chilly night. *rubs hands together* Let me begin with a few nitpicks. (I know, I know. Groan all you want, but it must be done, young lady! Haha)
So as always: Write on! Do not lose faith with Gray Lace !
1. She slides through the crowded hallways ... Here, you begin the opening paragraph in past tense, then abruptly change to present. Barely anything confuses and turns a reader away more than a sudden tense swap, because it seems to reveal that you are not sure what you want. Stick with the past, if that is what you feel suits this book best!
2. ... caffeine ridden ... A hyphen is needed here between these two adjectives. Sometimes it's hard to catch those tiny hyphens - .
3. Flicking a wisp of brown hair away from terrified eyes, her fingers clutched anxiously at a beige forearm, tiny white crescent moons leaving trails of small, flushed indents. Possibly it is only me, but this sentence is strangely worded. Maybe try something like, "With a flick of her head, she brushed away a wisp of dark hair from her eyes, a terrified expression plastered across her flushed face. Her fingers desperately clutched her tense forearms, imprinting traces of pale crescent moons onto her skin." You know, something along those lines.
... And that sums up my nitpick session! See, it wasn't so bad, now was it? xP Only a few notable issues.
I like how in the start you allude to Grayson's previous mistakes or faults that she's committed by mentioning the karma ordeal. It cause me to want to read on and discover about her past, and how it will affect her future at St. Agatha's.
Nicely done with this introduction; I found it a very interesting concept. The reader receives a clear insight into Grayson's personality just from this short first chapter. Great job, Mary; I'm hooked.
---Stormsie
Thanks for the help!
I'm glad you found it interesting!
ED here to review, welcome to YWS!
Nitpicks first.
Two things here:
1. Pick a tense. You can't switch between past ("she trudged") and present ("she slides.") Pick one. Either one would work, it's really just personal choice. If past fits the story better, choose that. If present adds more interest and urgency, choose that.
2. Whenever you combine two words to make one adjective, you need to hyphenate it. That's that little line (-). So "caffeine-ridden" not "caffeine ridden.
Try not to add obvious details. We all know what color skin is, so you can cut out "biege" entirely. Unless the color of her skin matters to the story, of course. Like if she had say, blue skin. Remember, only describe what is important to the story. This should be:
"she clutched anxiously at her forearm, tiny, white crescents leaving a trail of flushed indents on her skin."
Mmm, this is a bit awkward. I understand that you are trying to add emphasis, but it's a little over-done here. Maybe just add it on the last sentence. Add a "please" in there or something.
Okay, nervousness is not something that "simmers nicely," although it definitely may simmer. Also, she hasn't done anything wrong yet, so the whole karma thing, while clever, seemed out of place.
This doesn't fit in that sentence.
Now the rest of this is pretty cool, I think. Poetic, anti-cliche, and a very interesting idea. You are correct, however, in saying that this is too short for a first chapter. Expand on this, I think you've got something here, and you should definitely keep going with it. The only question I really had here is why her name is Grayson, as that is a boy's name, and why she graffitis on everything. The second question should be answered by the rest of your book.
As short as this was, I hope it helped.
~ED
Thank you very much!
The only trouble I'm having a hard time fixing is the length of the chapter, this story is going to be told in 2 different P.O.V.'s, so I'm trying to establish the two main characters, before a story arch begins (which is going to be answering the questions).
Also, in response to the name, I thought it was a unisex one, 'cause there's actually a girl at my school named Grayson, and I just really liked the name.
Well, it's a boy's name. Must be one that they started using for both though. (I think it was actually a surname)
Be careful, when using two povs, that you don't switch your scenes around too suddenly. You want to give one person a while before going to the next person. Otherwise you should be fine.
Hi there! Here to review for the Epic Ice Cream Warriors of Pluto! Yes, that really is our name! I will review as I read so that it will make a lot more sense to both me and you
Here goes!
1. In the opening sentences, you've used the word 'trudged' and 'slides' The problem is that one of these is past tense and the other is present! You need to pick the one you feel most confident writing with and try your hardest to stick with it.
2. "Don't notice me. DON'T notice me. Don't NOTICE me." - I really love this. It's a different way of emphasising the thoughts and I haven't seen it on here before
3. "The sturdy wall she had built around herself" - you could maybe make clever comparisons here to the cold walls of the St Agatha's. She could have turned into a being just like the lifeless school surrounding her or something.
4. "To the lonely artist hot spots; napkins (new or used) and book margins. All the way to the down right strange (and slightly illegal), bookshelves in IKEA, and school walls." - This made me laugh! A touch of comic relief is amazing.
5. Not much actually happens in this chapter! Chapter one is all about hooking that reader in so that they don't want to put your book down. Give us a little more excitement and you'll keep us interested.
Good luck! Keep writing - I look forward to seeing more of this posted soon.
Olive <3
Thank you for the review! I really appreciate the help!
Nice first chapter!
Timmyjake here to give you a short review!
First, you tend to put some of your chapter in the present tense.
She slides through the crowded hallways, slipping narrowly through throngs of tired, caffeine ridden adolescents.
And then some of it(most of it) is in the past tense.
Grayson trudged through the halls of St. Agatha's, arms drawn up to her chest in a nervous shield.
Both styles, if you ask me, are great. But some match some books and the other tense matches some others. For instance, Hunger Games is a great book series written in the present tense. The story is told to you as it happens. But the Lord of the Rings is told in the past tense... A difficult choice, if you ask me!
Maybe when she is thinking:
Don't notice me. DON'T notice me. Don't NOTICE me.
Maybe "Please don't notice me?" Or, "Don't notice me. Don't notice me. PLEASE don't notice me!
Also, who is she hoping to not notice her? That is a question that should be answered before she says that.
But for a first chapter, it is excellent. I cringe when I read my first chapter! Is this your first chapter ever? If so, then REALLY GOOD JOB!!!
Oh boo. I did mess up the tenses xD when my computer wants to cooperate, I'll be sure to fix it! I think I'll do it....using past tense? I'm thinking that one might roll better with this story.
i'll also be sure to add a little bit before the whole "Don't Notice me" thing, to clear that up.
Thank you very much though! I'm glad you liked it!