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Imperfect Soul

by MarieLugo1998


New cloths, job, hair, phone.

 Every step I take along the pavement a billboard consume me.

 "Liposuction lose the flab get your abs, Sparkling white teeth." Plastered at every angle. Neon green, vibrant blues, reds and bold black paint them. Glowing beams shoot from the boards like the sun. It attracts us like flies to the light.                                                                                        

A lowly patch of grass is the only remembrance of where trees and mother nature used to be.

As I take my steps I am always told how to better myself. How to become beautiful. Yet how do I become happy? 

New cloths, job, hair, phone. I walk along the pavement and everyday billboards consume me.

Since I was a child my earliest memory isn't of love but it is of my imperfection. How the only way I will have friends is if I have the most technology advanced toy trucks or tablets. But I dreamed of running in that lowly patch of grass. 

Billboard tell me how to be free

My shell is perfection. Designer cloths. Hour class figure. But no one teaches empathy, compassion, love. 

I plea. Billboard  how do I become me and not my shell?

Billboard how do I become happy?


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20 Reviews


Points: 1255
Reviews: 20

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Sun Dec 02, 2018 6:46 am
Aniwriting9162 wrote a review...



Hi! Welcome to YWS and congratulations on your first work! I hope you love it here!
I love the theme of this poem for several reasons. It asks questions about the world and how society has been designed. It shows us that our perfect self is nothing more or less than our authentic selves.Just be yourself! now some suggestions;
"New cloths, job, hair, phone."
You misspelled clothes, which is perfectly fine, but this line sounds a bit awkward, so you should try to rewrite this.
"Liposuction lose the flab get your abs, Sparkling white teeth." I think you should put in some punctuation marks here, as the sentence sounds incomplete and awkward , like exclamation marks after Liposuction and teeth.
"A lowly patch of grass is the only remembrance of where trees and mother nature used to be."
The word 'remembrance' doesn't work with the flow of the poem, try to substitute it with a short word like 'memory'.
"Since I was a child my earliest memory isn't of love but it is of my imperfection."
I just love this line!!!
"How the only way I will have friends is if I have the most technology advanced toy trucks or tablets." Even here you should put in some punctuation marks.

"Hour class figure."I don't understand what this means,could you please explain it to me!

Other than the grammar, this is a fantastic poem!
Keep writing!




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26 Reviews


Points: 574
Reviews: 26

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Sat Dec 01, 2018 6:18 pm
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Fantascifi66 wrote a review...



Hi!
Fanta her to review!
Welcome to YWS!
What a nice poem that we should all listen to,
because its something we need to understand: just be yourself.
First, some notes:

'New cloths, job, hair, phone.'

I think you meant clothes? If not, why would cloths be on a billboard?

' "Liposuction lose the flab get your abs, Sparkling white teeth." '

Here, I think you you should put in some signs.

"Liposuction!" " Lose the flab, get the abs!" "Sparkling white teeth!"

It will help it a little.

'Since I was a child my earliest memory isn't of love but it is of my imperfection. How the only way I will have friends is if I have the most technology advanced toy trucks or tablets.'

Here too, I think you should put in some commas.

'Since I was a child, my earliest memory isn't of love, but it is of my imperfection. How the only way I will have friends is if I have the most technology advanced toy trucks, or tablets.'

It'll make it flow a little more

Overall, really nice poem, I really enjoyed it!
Continue writing!

Fanta




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Fri Nov 30, 2018 10:20 pm
MarieLugo1998 says...






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Fri Nov 30, 2018 10:20 pm
MarieLugo1998 says...






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Fri Nov 30, 2018 10:20 pm
MarieLugo1998 says...







Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.
— Helen Keller