"What do you want!?” I screamed as the cloaked figure loomed over my restrained body. Large, pure golden eyes glowed under the ghoul’s hood. He cackled a cackle that rattled my aching bones and held up a shining ceremonial looking knife, ready to strike. A scream of bloody murder came up from my throat and made my ears ring. Then awakening thirsty, sweating and startled in the middle of a wood, I let my eyes adjust to the dim light and looked around. Both shocked and afraid by my surroundings, I thought to myself, “Oh jeez I’m sleep walking now too!” My hands rummaged through the leaves, I cursed to myself. I had lost my glasses. Sitting there, given up on all reality, questions rose in my mind. How long was I asleep? Was that really a dream? My legs moved and willed me to stand up. With spinning vision and scary images flashing in my mind, I staggered a few hundred feet. I found a path and sighed in relief. At least people had been in the area before. After following the narrow gap in the brush for a while, something stopped me --a sign-- that said, “Welcome to Surrey, England.” That was very weird considering I live in upstate New York.
As I wandered along, the sky grew lighter and lighter. With the sunrise helping my startled eyesight, I noticed a trail of smoke cascading into the sky. Awkwardly tripping and trotting towards the now visible break in the forest, I arrived to a cozy looking cottage.
As I hesitantly knocked on the door, everything changed very quickly. For one, I got taller --which was a relief considering I was a stubby height of five three. I gained muscle, and my skin glowed and shimmered… My own arm was shining in the sun, as if I'd been drinking Vitamin C for a few weeks. I felt my vision change, twisting from foggy and blurred sight to a twenty twenty picture. Last of all, the energy in my body went sky high. Almost as if I was a tiny light bulb being lit by a power plant. Cool? Most definitely! As I studied my new self my thoughts and discoveries were cut short by a sweet sound.
“Just a minute dear!” the voice of a middle-aged woman reached my ears and forced me to focus on human interaction. I waited a few seconds then a tall slender lady opened the door and took a look at me though large amber eyes. She wore a green dress with an apron around her waist, as if she had been cooking. Her silvery brown-grey hair was pulled back into a braid, with a few strands hanging around her face.
She must have been at least fifty, but the only words I could use to describe her were young, graceful, and dazzling. Her features were perfect; nose, lips, cheekbones, and her eyes, gold like the sun. Her presence told me she could be trusted, and confided in.
“Finally you’re restored to your true self again! The washed-out blonde was extremely dull for such a lovely personality. Oh, now you look like your mother. You have her long dark hair...And your eyes! Your father’s sea-green eyes! How I missed those eyes!” She kept on about features I didn't have. It took me a minute, but I looked down at my hair… Dark and lovely! My hands, long and slender. My body figure just right. These things I missed at the beautiful woman's doorstep pushed me over the edge.
When I woke up I was laying on a purple floral sofa. Around me was a cozy living space. The warmth radiated from the nearby wood stove made me sink into the plush cushions a little more. Other comfy, mismatched chairs were all circled around a trunk slab coffee table. A chocolate brown rug was positioned under the furniture, adding extra humbleness to the space. Across from the circle of seats, a brick accented kitchen was brewing mouth-watering scents. As I looked around, I started to feel much better. The woman was walking towards me from the sweet smelling stove-top. “So… Who are you?” I asked as she sat aside to me in a plum colored armchair. Careful not to blurt aloud about her talking of my parents… The ones that gave me up as an infant.
“I’m sorry my love, I wasn't able to explain myself before scaring you into unconsciousness. I’m your aunt on your father’s side. I put that spell --at that word my heart stopped--on the door for any unwanted beings wearing a disguise and trying to try a girl like me. When you were small, your parents had to put a disguise on you to protect you from... Well that can come later. The only spell that is able to break the disguise is the very spell on that door.” She looked at me, a kind smile on her perfect lips.
I stood up and looked in the large mirror on the wall. I looked at myself. I noticed every detail and change. Was I supposed to believe her? I mean, I was changed… But magic? Spells? “You’re being serious aren't you?” I spoke,waiting for her to reply with “Oh no this is all a dream! It's time to wake up now!” But no…
The beautiful woman looked at me with a soft face. “Yes child, I'm quite serious. You are an Astraea.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
WOW! Talk about a great first chapter to lure in any reader. From the first words I was intrigued. By the end I was stunned. The last Aline was not an uncommon type of end, yet extra powerful to me.
OK, so I think you should add some description when you say that the main character has scary images that flash across her vision. What are the images? How real do they seem, and does she recognize anything from them.
"I spoke,waiting" should have a space in between the comma and waiting. Those are the only things I saw that could use help. Great job.
Keep it up!
Hey! A great title which lured me to read this piece. Now coming on to the negative points
" He cackled a cackle that rattled my aching bones"
I feel this line repeats the same word cackled. So it seems unusual. I think you should remove one 'cackle' from this line.
"a shining ceremonial looking knife"
the words looking knife don't seem to fit. How about ''A knife which had a shy ceremonial look''
A Good start... a bit more improvement in grammar and the story would seem great.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
REGARDS
Hi there!
Very interesting first line. I like it for two reasons:
1.) It pulls us in. Why is this girl saying this? Obviously she's in some sort of peril. What is it? And how did she get in this situation? These are just some of the questions that were alive in my mind after reading the first sentence. You grabbed my attention and I couldn't wait to read the story.
2.) It starts the characterization process. It's never too early to start developing your characters. You've done a great job starting here. You might not have really gotten into your character yet, but I've found that one great way to show who exactly your character is is to put them in a difficult situation. That way you see how they preform under pressure. It may seem cruel, but it's a great way to see what your character is made of. We get a good idea here.
This is a little repetitive, don't you think? This is a good description overall, really. But only one 'cackle' is really necessary here. There are two options here: this man's laugh could be described as a cackle. For example this could read instead, "He laughed at my cry. It was more of a cackle than anything, one that rattled my aching bones..." or it could just read that he cackled; simply say "The sound of his sudden cackle rattled my aching bones..." Whichever way you write it, or if you find another way to, just make sure not to repeat the description. It's a bit annoying.
Overall this is a good introduction. We've gotten three things here: a character, a villain, and a story. The villain may have only been in her dream, but that doesn't mean he isn't real, right?
One quick thing to point out before I go. This is a bit fast and jerky. We go from one point to another without much transition. Like kayfortnight mentioned, this part
is a good example of that. Here this girl is, on the brink of being murdered, and all the sudden she wakes up. If a new paragraph is created, this will flow better. Breaking at "Then awakening thirsty" would do the trick. And then make sure you put something in there about it being a dream. Because honestly, I'm not sure if it was a dream or not. I'm a bit confused.
Here's another place where a transition is needed:
I'm assuming that she passed out. But that's just it--I'm assuming. I can't be 100% positive that that's what happened. I'd suggest adding a short sentence or two about her feeling faint and the room fading to dark THEN having her pass out. That will be more clear.
I enjoyed reading this and I think I'll enjoy the rest of this novel. Please let me know when the next chapter is out! I'll be happy to review it
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hello! I'm Kay. It's nice to meet you:)
This is a nice piece, but it could use a little work, like any piece of writing out there. I like your dialogue-all the little quirks of real life, like the old woman saying dear every sentence. Your description is nice too. It really allows me to picture your character's world.
However, I do think you should look this over. A couple of the sentences in the beginning are very poorly worded and difficult to understand, like these two:
If you read this aloud, you'll notice it sounds very awkward. If you can't hear it, then I suggest you have someone else look over those two lines, as my method won't help you. Mine is change it if it *sounds* wrong:)
Haha, this thing just doesn't want to work today. Anyway, great story.
Nicely done! You've got a great writing style. And the dream was effectively creepy--I loved your description of the ghoul. And you do a good job taking the audience along for the ride with your protagonist's confusion and sense of being lost. I thought your use of gold eyes rather symbolic and well played. Well done! I look forward to reading more!