The love letter sits on my desk. I hadn't opened it yet, but it looked tempting. My older sister, Alana, left it –or hid it– on her portfolio.
I had went to her room earlier and she wasn't there. Mom assured me she was in her room, but she wasn't. In fact, nothing was there. Her drawers were open and there was no clothes inside. Her bed was, miraculously, made. She pays me to do her bed. Her bed was the only thing that looked organized. Her stuff was scattered all around the room and the things she actually appreciate were gone. I had stepped on a teddy bear that Marcus, her boyfriend, had given her. Her room was chaos.
If there was an organized one in the "Ortiz sisters" it was her. She always cleaned her room. It never looked this disorganized. The only thing she actually hated to do was making the bed. But it was my win since she gave me fifty cents per time. I looked around her room some more to see if there was any note indicating she would leave for a trip with her friends, but the only thing I found from my 20-year-old sister was a portfolio with a letter from Marcus.
The place where I found the portfolio –I think it was meant to never be found. Or it was meant to be taken with her and got left behind by accident. Either way I grabbed the letter and went straight to my room. Something told me I should've told mom that she was missing but I felt that the letter contained my answers. I knew it was a love letter because of the multiple hearts drawn at the top. I sat down on the chair before my desk and placed it gently in front of me.
There it is now. There I am now. I stare at it intently, as if it would open by itself and read itself out loud. I reach for it and hold it with my right hand. I feel like an intruder for touching something that does not belong to me. It belongs to my sis. The envelope is tore, which means it had been opened and read before. It takes me a few moments to convince myself to read something that's Alana's.
I slowly and delicately open the letter. I take the fine paper out and unfold it. Marcus' handwriting is horrible. It's not comprehendible. I squint my eyes to read it. At first I think it's just his difficult handwriting but then I notice it is some kind of code. It doesn't contain numbers or symbols, all of them are letters, but they don't make sense, and his handwriting isn't helping either.
After ten minutes I notice some kind of pattern. The third letter is the first one, the next third is the second one and if the third is after a space, then the space counts as the following. I grab a pen and a separate sheet of paper and begging scrabbling down the message.
One hour later I have finished and it's a mess because I skipped various spaces or letters but it's comprehendible. I read through it.
I gasp as mom walks down the hall. "Ruby is everything fine?" She asks once before my door.
It had been planned. It was all set for today. They had thought it through for a year. How had I missed it? Had I not seen the signs or just pushed them away? I release the air I was holding inside and feel it travel out my nostrils.
"Ruby?" Mom walks to stand beside me and my tears flow wildly. "What's wrong, dear?" She reaches for my cheek and swipes my tear away. In that small motion I can feel her desperation to know, her worry.
Everything. Everything is wrong, mom. She's gone. She left me. She left me for him. But I have a feeling that's not all.
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140,714 Literary Works • 673,675 Reviews
Oh come on! More! I what more! How can that be the end, come on I need more.
Excellent writing, very emotional. It needs a little more description about where the character is, but other wise it is brilliant. I wish there was more, the ending is a bit sudden for my liking, but that is because I was so captivated by it. Good work.
Wow, its pretty interesting.
An opening where we get right to the point always works, in my EXPERT opinion x_x What looked tempting about this letter though? It's very curiously intriguing however, so I do like this opening. The latter part is a bit strange, however. Don't introduce a character and then give mystique to her intents right after. If you want to do that, I suggest including it later in the passage.
The visual here is very intriguing. My only question is why the narrator said her bed was miraculously made if she was paid to make it. Presumably it was made but not by her, but I'd clarify that. "Her room was chaos," ehh, tell me just how chaotic it is. It'd be a good place to put in a simile.
It's curious why she would hate making her bed, but otherwise be so organized. Then she finds a portfolio and a letter from her boyfriend. I'm wondering at this point if Marcus murdered her or not.
So the main character is at least moderately intelligent to be able to decode the letter. "comprehendible" is not a word. Also, "I read through it" is rather plain. I want to feel the instant emotion when she reads the letter that says her sister left her.
A quick problem here. If the narrator (Ruby) is behind closed doors, she shouldn't be able to see her mom. Yet, she describes her mother's movements as if she can see her perfectly fine. You should change it to "Hear mom's footsteps approaching and "her voice breathing close to the door". It would make more sense that way.
The tension built from the slow, decrepit opening of the letter to the mom's worried reaction is beautiful. I'm still curious about why she made her bed. People make beds because they plan on sleeping in it again, right?
This story ends rather abruptly, I scrolled down expecting more and was alarmed when that was it. So I do hope you expand on it. I enjoy your narrative, it feels very interpersonal. So please, do continue, I want to know what happens next.
Happy Review Day! I'm here to give you a quality review, maaaaan.
This needs to be in parenthesis, the random dash is not needed and disrupts the flow of your writing.
The "had" isn't needed, as said before, this is also a factor that disrupts the flow.
You must know how to use your past tenses. Instead of was, this should be replaced with "were." Try and practice that, check your grammar, or have someone check it for you. But eventually you need to be able to choose which past tense goes where.
These commas are not needed. Watch your punctuation.
"Appreciate-d" Remember to check your spelling and read over your work before publishing it. Grammar, spelling, and punctuation is extremely important.
Try this: "She always cleaned her room, but it never looked this disorganized." You had a few choppy sentences in this story, which you need to fix by combing two sentences into one. But make sure not to have a run-on sentence either. Practice this by remembering to put two choppy sentences into one, but no more than two.
"Per time?" This confused me, try and be more specific.
You cannot use these random dashes in between sentences. This is an exception when a character is being cut-off from what they are saying in a case where they are talking.
"Either way" is a casual term and is not meant to be used in a story. "Either way" is something that people say, but is not meant to be put into a story, which is more professional than a regular conversation.
This was extremely confusing! Please try and translate this into something that people would understand, or just leave it out, better enough. But how could you even understand this at all?
Not gonna lie, this needs some work. You made quite a few spelling and grammar mistakes. You must check-over your work before publishing it, so you don't miss those careless mistakes and fix them.
You have potential. I did really like the ending unlike the rest of the story. The story wasn't extremely interesting, but it was okay. Just work on your plots and choose something more interesting maybe? But that's just me, pay no attention.
✖︎
Happy Review Day! *revs chainsaw*
Well, as compelling as this story is, I do have a few critiques:
Overall, you do a fine job of placing powerful emotions through Ruby's feelings. But that's just not enough. It's better to fully flesh out a character, so that the audience can sympathize with her losing an actual person in her life. Take this, for example:
It's a case of show, don't tell. It's like reading someone's profile versus meeting them personally. Does Ruby have any memories of her sister that she can draw upon? Remember, she's in her sister's room, which is essentially an reflection of her personality. Also, is it really necessary to mention the name?
I'm saying this because I feel like there's too little in this short story to make the blows hit hard. All we can understand of Ruby's sister is that she's attached to her boyfriend and is organized. We don't even know why she runs away, which all makes it pretty difficult to sympathize with her. Make the audience love her, or at least make them feel like she's important! It's difficult to do in so few words, but from what you have written, I know you can do it!
Which brings me to your writing style, which is stellar. The raw thoughts and fears running through Ruby's head, punctuated by the short, instinctive sentences perfectly culminate into the panic and pain of loss.
As a whole, I'm conflicted. It's a bit of an unfocused piece, but it's well-written, so...I like it! Just feel free to elaborate whenever necessary. Cheers!
-Chaser
This is so good! Oh, I'm TheLearningWriter, by the way.
This was a very interesting story. I can't help but wonder where you got your inspiration for it from. I just can't stop saying how much I liked this!
It's interesting how Alana didn't tidy her room up before she left. I understand that she was in a hurry, but at the same time it would have been a lot less suspicious.
I like how you went from present to past and back to present tense during this story. That made it all the more enjoyable, in my opinion.
It really makes me wonder why Alana and Marcus ran off together. Did Ruby and Alana's mother not accept Marcus?
It really amazes me that Marcus and Alana thought it through for an entire year. As a reader, I wonder if either of them had any doubts. And I wonder if Alana thought of how Ruby would feel once she was gone. Alana, you just did a very bad job at being the older sister. I feel so bad for poor Ruby...
Well, keep up the amazing work (which I doubt you'll have trouble with), and good luck on your writing endeavors!
Hello Mardehoward! Halfbloodcheetah cruising by for a review!
This was one of the coolest short stories I have ever read. When I saw it had a cliffhanger I was like "NOOOOOOO!!!!!" I wished there was more to read. I loved it!
One thing I think would make this make a little more sense, is the letter. You said that it was in code, but all the story said about it was that the main character deciphered it and read it. But the reader has no idea what the letter said, so when your character says things like "It had been planned. It was all set for today" The reader is lost. What did the letter say? That would be a great thing to include.
That is really the only suggestion I have. Please let me know when you continue this. Great job!