How am I supposed to believe that there exist a Heaven,
when all I see is like a Hell.
Power ringing on our mind as a bell,
Strong prey on the weak,
Rich prey on the poor,
Oh! is it the end of humanity?
is it the last door?
Let me warn you about a thing,
one day you will too feel the pain,
and there will be no one to cling.
No shoulder you will get to cry,
as everyone will find you to decry.
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Thanks for sharing your feelings about the concepts of a heaven. The poem certainly does convey the conviction that believing isn't easy when we observe so much turmoil and injustice and fail to understand, appreciate, or simply disagree with all the explanations.
One reason you provide as a basis for disbelief is personal suffering while being persecuted by others who refuse to lend a helping hand and accuse us of wrongdoing. It reminds me of the Book of Job where Job undergoes that very experience. His supposed friends show up and begin accusing him of having sinned and therefore deserving all that was befalling him. At no moment did Job doubt the existence of God. He did however, constantly deny that he had sinned as they were saying he had and deserved it.
As for suggestions, I agree with all the other suggestions already proposed. One that wasn't mentioned is the highlighting of certain letters. It did make me pause to question why.
There is also this:
"....there [exists] a heaven...." How am I supposed to believe that a heaven [exists]?
Hey there! I hope you don't mind if I leave you a review!
Overall, your poem brings to light the heavily debated topic on religion, heaven and hell. I, personally am a believer, though I really appreciate such topics. Your poem brings to question the less than kind human nature. You did a great job on this poem.
My suggestions:
-Throughout the poem your rhyme scheme switches on you. Lines two and three rhyme as "Hell" and "bell" then five and seven as "poor" and "door". My biggest suggestion is to keep your rhyme scheme the same throughout, to make the flow and rhythm improve. so aabb, abab, etc. or even no rhyme at all. Being consistent will really help your poem flow better.
-There are quite a few lines where it sounds awkward, like there's a missing word or two, I would recommend re-wording a few lines to make them sound more natural.
example:
cling to and cry on make this sound complete.
This sounds incorrect. Maybe changing the wording around, "How am I supposed to believe (a) Heaven exists?"
a would sound better as one, "Let me warn you about one thing"
and too being where it is really throws off the flow, I'm not entirely sure if it is incorrect, but it just sounds off in it's placement. "One day you will feel the pain too".
That's all I have for suggestions. Other than what I mentioned, I really did enjoy reading your poem. It truly is hard to believe in something so good when we as people are just so prone to being bad.
Keep writing,
-Katja
Beautiful. Intriguing. Thought provoking. These are the words I would describe your poem with.
thought expressed in this poem are so common in everyone's life who was brought up in a christian family and due to the fact that there are many christians or ex christians, like myself, I 'd say it is an easily-relatable feeling.
one thing is that, I think saying is instead of exist and I see hell instead of of is like a hell. (that is a metaphor, which is a really necessary tool for a poet).would be better rhyme-wise.
"How am I supposed to believe that there is a Heaven,
when all I see is Hell. "
I wouldn't change anything else. although I feel some remorse when I see small poems.I would advice you to make it a beginning of a big poem that is destined for the Greatness.
Good Luck, Lucius.