Darkness hovers around me in this tunnel,
Eyes stinging with pain as I strain to see;
Trampling on rocks every step I take,
Feeling weaker with each one.
I loathe every person who brought me to this tunnel ;
For I have been deceived,
Where is my light, the light to show me the way?
For I miss the people I love . . . . .
But do I love?
If so, then who ?
If not, why do I not love?
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Hiya there. Pastel here for a hopefully helpful review full of rambling! I’m not the best at reviewing poetry so hold on for a rocky ride!
After reading this, I noticed that you repeated quite a lot. A good example would be the last four lines, where they (almost) all ended with love. I also see that you did this with the first and fifth lines. This problem can easily be fixed by searching up synonyms for the repeating words. For example:
Love - cherish, trust, admire, etc.
Tunnel - channel, etc.
Those were some horrible examples but those were ones I came up with from the top of my head.
Another nitpick I noticed was there was punctuation at the end of every line. While I do appreciate that it wasn’t just commas and periods and that you made it stand out, it is a little distracting. One suggestion would be maybe to not completely remove it, but to cut it down just a little bit. Like nah w remove a couple of the periods that’s at the end of the eighth line.
I just now realized how biased this review is. I’m sorry.
Well, that’s the end of my review. Cheers!
Hey, Manila! (Nice user!) Ghost/Londone here for a review.
I liked this poem. It was well written and I can tell that you put a lot of effort into it.
A couple nit-picks (that can be easily fixed!) that I found are these:
-You used a lot of repetition, when other words could substitute. For example:
And
-Punctuation is missing
It leaves the reader sort of hanging loose and not closed into the passage.
-It almost goes on forever
The poem tends to return to one train of thought without finishing another. It leaves a lot of statements that make me wanting more, but I never receive it and instead we go back to something already said.
There was a little mistake in the second line,
Were you meaning to say 'Eyes stinging with pain because [i]I[i] am straining it' ?
Straining what? Your vision? Perhaps you could say something like:
'Vision pained, as I am straining it'
A line that I really liked was:
It was powerful, I felt, and probably the most meaningful line in the poem, though simple.
You did a really great job with this, and I think you should be proud of yourself!
-Londy
First, thanks for sharing.
My understanding of the poem:
This poem attempts to describe a state of confusion as the title promises that it would. The confused feels as if stuck in a dark tunnel strewn with unavoidable rocks . The speaker blames others that he hates for causing him to be there. The speaker feels separated from those he loves and yearns to see them once more. Yearns for guidance or light to show him the way. In short, the poem is initially about the emotions of anger and frustration. Then confusion is added in the last three lines by saying that he doesn't know who he loves or why.
As a reader:
As a reader I don't know who the hated people are or why or how they are to blame for the speaker's situation. Nether do I know as a reader whether the speaker deserves to be in that situation or not since details are not provided. So as a reader I am unable to sympathize with the speaker or feel angry at those he accuses of injustice. In short, I can't become emotionally involved because of insufficient data. Please note, that there are serial killers who constantly complain about others whom the blame for their condition. The Boston Strangler said that he had never hurt anyone. So merely complaining proves nothing except that the person feels victimized.
There is also a problem with claiming that one desires very strongly to be with the people one loves and then saying that one doesn't know who they are or if one loves them at all. That blatant contradiction makes the reader question the speaker's sanity. If indeed that was the poem's goal then it succeeded. If not the it needs to be modified.
LittleLee here for a review!
The poem is really sweet, and rather well written, frankly speaking. This review will be rather short because there isn't much to say that is negative!!!
You made some mistakes which I would have edited in the rewritten poem below. You could also try to use different words, repetition makes the poem lose it's power and strength.
Use commas, the poem looks awfully dreary otherwise.
Okay, here is the edited poem!!!
Darkness hovers around me in this tunnel,
My eyes stinging with painas they strain themselves;
Trampling on rocks every step I take,
Feeling weaker with each one.
I loathe every person who brought me to this tunnel;
Where is my light, the light that will show me the way?
For I miss the people I love...
But do I love?
If so, then who?
If not, why do I not love?
Yeah, that is it. Well done, otherwise!
I changed some words to express the poem a bit better, in case you noticed!
Sorry if my review was too critical!
Thanks