Mind so shallow
Heart so deep
I'm willing to wallow
In the pain I have to reap
Thinking too much as I reach for a touch
Thunder strike
As I get stuck
In my thoughts
And almost get an attack
In the midst of my confusion
I begin to rumble
Words which I cannot understand
To people who would only misunderstand
I seek the light
That which shall shine bright
Upon my lukewarm heart
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138,256 Literary Works • 672,091 Reviews
Hiya there. Pastel here for a hopefully helpful review full of rambling! I’m not the best at poetry so here we go!
This entire review is going to be based off my personal bias, so take what you and what you won’t, you can completely trash it if you’d like.
So, one of the main issues I have with this poem is the capitalization. I would understand if it was an acronym poem because the first letters usually to always need to be capitalized, but in just a regular poem, it doesn’t really work well. Since this seems to be quite emotional, no capitalization usually gives off more emotion.
Another thing I’d like to say isn’t that much of a bother to me, but punctuation. I do understand that most poems don’t need punctuation such as commas and periods, but maybe a comma every two lines would be fine. Another suggestion I have is to separate this poem into stanzas so the flow can go easier and so it can be easier to read all together.
As TheBlueCat said, with the first half of the poem, you had a nice rhyming scheme going on, and then it just disappeared. I would suggest either having a rhyming scheme or none at all. Doing both doesn’t mix good together.
Well, that’s the end of my review. Cheers!
Hullo Manila! Cat here to review this cute poem! Okay then, here we go!
Mind so shallow
First, let's go through your poem together:
Spoiler
Heart so deep (Both of those sound about right xD)
I'm willing to wallow
In the pain I have to reap
Thinking too much as I reach for a touch
Thunder strike (Thunder doesn't strike, lighting does)
As I get stuck
In my thoughts (You started rhyming, but here you lost it)
And almost get an attack
In the midst of my confusion
I begin to rumble
Words which I cannot understand
To people who would only misunderstand
I seek the light
That which shall shine bright
Upon my lukewarm heart
What I liked: I really liked the message of the poem!
What to fix/improve: You should probably separate it into stanzas to make it easier to read. Also, your started rhyming at first, then lost it. I would recommend either keeping a steady rhyme scheme throughout the poem, or don't rhyme at all. It makes it better if you just pick one.
Other random comments: This is quite an interesting piece, and has a lot of potential, but it needs some polishing up so it can be at its best!
Well anyways, cute poem! Good job and keep writing!
Thanks
This poem describes how we are our own worse enemy sometimes. We permit our emotions to dominate and the mind is disengaged. Then when we find ourselves in the very pit we ourselves have dug we get angry and people around us wonder why we are so riled up. they can't understand that the anger isn't really directed at them but at ourselves. Deep down we want to be guided only by clear thoughts or light so that we no longer become victims of confusion. Thanks for sharing,
Suggestions:
Always run a piece through a spellchecker.
The correct spellings are:
stuck
confusion
Also, it is recommended that we as poets stay away from words that have become clichés such as "heart".
Thanks