(This should be read before any of my stories)
Why hello, you are new here, who am I?
Well, my name is Bryan, and I have been sent here to tell you about the dangers of this place.
In a lot of ways, this is just like the earth you are coming from, but there is a large difference.
All of man's evil has been sent to the ancient temple of Archea, but the seal of protectionhas been shattered, the good news is that one demon has emerged, the bad news is actually I'll get to that later.
First, we have to talk about the heroes, of course there couldn't be a villain without a hero, his name is Rako, the strongest, smartest, and most charming warrior around.
(A mirror shows the prized warrior, very tall and very bulky.)
He may not be the smartest person on earth, but he certainly has the muscles to make up for it.
What, you want to hear about the villain of this story, fine then.
That cynical, that misanthrope, that insane lunatic, Mandlyn.
Who is Mandlyn, good question, one day after I heard a shattering noise, I saw my comrades vaporized in front of my own two eyes.
Then I saw him, he walked over to me and whispered one word in my ear, if I say that word again, I might lose my marbles.
Oh, you want to see him in the mirror don't you well then.
"Oh my dearest, I don't think this that will be necessary, after all, you did just sign your death contract."
(You turn around and see a yellow humanoid with yellow armor covering every inch of his body, his face, flat, all except for a red some and a yellow pyramid at the back of the head.)
(He starts walking towards you, you have little to defend yourself with, what happens next.)
All of these questions and more answered, in the seuqel, unless you want to try and stop Mandlyn yourself.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,787 Literary Works • 672,768 Reviews
You have a nice voice to your writing...the narration here has a certain "charisma" if that makes any sense. Not a lot of people have that, it's something really special that I honestly can't say I see too often. Mandlyn also seems like an engrossing character. Actually having him kill the narrator at the end is just too great...I loved that ending, seriously.
This is a little bit weird. You say it's a dangerous place. I don't know if that's supposed to scare us or what, but by telling us the place is just like earth, you're reassuring us that it's perfectly fine. As for the second paragraph, I'd play up more how scary of a situation it is. How terrifying is this demon?
But then you get into something else entirely. I mentioned I do really like the Mandlyn character, but why do you say Rako is the smartest and say he's dumb the very next sentence? Also, the way you point out his muscles are his best trait makes him seem a bit vain...I'm not sure if that's the image of the main character you want to get across. Besides, you're telling us that he's charming when that's really something you have to show us. I'm left worrying that you're just saying he's charming but he's not actual going to end up being that way.
The last thing is just to be careful about the commas -- you need more punctuation in several places like these:
should be
(doesn't have to do with commas, but for there you can also describe the shattering noise a bit more acutely)
and
should be
There are more but hopefully you get the gist -- read your sentences aloud and replace some of the commas with punctuation so it reads more like actual people speaking.
Hey there! This is pretty short (and that's fine) so I'll stick to nitpicks and editing sorts of things, since there's not much else to review. First, here are some things which stood out to me as I read...
All of man's evil has been sent to the ancient temple of Archea, but the seal of protectionhas been shattered, the good news is that one demon has emerged, the bad news is actually I'll get to that later.
A couple of things here; first, you just missed a space between protection and has. Second, don't be afraid to use full stops! Bryan needs to breathe too, I'm sure. But even if he doesn't, I need to.
First, we have to talk about the heroes, of course there couldn't be a villain without a hero, his name is Rako, the strongest, smartest, and most charming warrior around.
As I said above, you need more full stops and less commas. This was one area which really stood out to me. A full stop is desperately needed after [i[heroes[/i].
Who is Mandlyn, good question, one day after I heard a shattering noise, I saw my comrades vaporized in front of my own two eyes.
Who is Mandlyn is a question, so don't forget to add a question mark after it.
Oh, you want to see him in the mirror don't you well then.
This should be two different sentences/questions. If I was editing it, I would make it: Oh. You want to see him in the mirror, don't you? Well then...
All of these questions and more answered, in the seuqel, unless you want to try and stop Mandlyn yourself.
Sequel is spelt incorrectly.
Okay, I'm finished reading and I have to honestly admit that I'm confused. At first I imagined Bryan was just talking to me and nothing else, then you introduced the mirror and I imagined I was watching a mirror. Next, I got the feeling you wanted me in the actual story. At the end, I realised that I was actually in the story, and I was maybe even the main character! I'm not sure how to rewrite this without taking out key elements. You could remove the little additions and just have Bryan talking to the reader (like a radio commentary), but then you won't be able to have the mirror. Or you could add more description and immerse me in the story from the start, but then Bryan wouldn't be as relevant. So I'm sorry that I can't help too much in that respect. I have to say though, I did enjoy reading the start, when it was just Bryan talking. So maybe consider have only his dialogue?
Anyway. You did a good job of introducing the world and the characters. I just got confused about how I, as the reader, was involved in everything. So make that clearer and it'll be swell.
I can't really clear things up right away, tell me this, does this seem like you just entered a new world with no clues. Yes, good, I made this to be intriguing so that people like you will read my sequel, and for the misspellings, the tablet didn't notify me.
Actually, in this story, Mandlyn kill's you
Hey,
So I don't really know how this was supposed to be written. At first it kinda seemed like it should be written like a screen play but then the character who is talking is talking to the reader. I like that he is talking to the reader but I think you should write it like the reader was there and seeing it all in real time. So maybe describe a little scene and have then character narrating. Describe the mirror as if we were seeing it. Maybe give the reader emotions like "Your heart starts to beat faster as he steps closer." I really think it will get other really involved in idea of the story more.
Uh I really don't have much else to say about it. it was intriguing for sure and this is a cool idea to introduce your story. Hope to see more of your writing in the future. Have a great day.
-Zee
Well, I used vague details to let you imagine the scene, and for the heart beats faster, that can't be said for all readers,mind honestly, it's nothing more than a R.T (Readable teaser.$
okay well thank you for explaining.