It was a calm day, light, in her eternal beauty, was sitting on a cliff side overlooking the coast to a ocean. Light was invisible to humans, but whenever she would take a walk, whoever she colided with would be influenced by warm, caring thoughts. She made her way to the cliffside and sat, she promised one of her friends she would have a talk with him, she wanted to talk to him for a while anyway. Light knew her friend was here on time when she saw a flock of Ravens, all silently colliding to create the form. The mass turned into a knight with silver armor, a cape, and no physical body beside the armor.
"It's a nice day, isn't it" darkness said in his deep, slow voice.
"Yeah, it's really sunny and feels really good" light said in her light, soothing voice.
"So, why did you bring me here, you don't really talk to me all that much?"
"Well, I am just so worried about you, why is it that you always have some sort of grudge against everyone."
"Why, well, why do humans kill each other over pretty prices of paper and metal, why do people destroy entire civilizations because they disagree about their storybooks."
"But those were only a few people, can't you see the caring that the human race is made up of mostly good people."
"No, I can't, if that statement was true, than the world would be far superior to what it is now."
"If I could see the love in people, than I wouldn't exist, if you could see the hate in people, you wouldn't exist, we only serve to be consumed."
The conversation continued like that, light trying to make a point, but darkness overthrowing it with logical evedence.
Soon they got tired, and stared at the ocean, in silence.
"I am sorry that you see things like that, but you know that I am always here when you need me, right."
Light waited for a response, but she got none, eventually darkness dissolved into Ravens and flew off.
Light sat there for a while, before eventually turning away and leaving.
Light soon found a new home, her real name, lexapro.
Darkness found a new home, his actual name, whiskey.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,787 Literary Works • 672,768 Reviews
Greetings from The Swordsman,
This was an interesting piece. There are some things that don't quite make sense to me, but I will get to those in a moment.
I liked your descriptions. They are very vivid, however I also found them to be one sided. You give us a description of Darkness, A suit of silver armor and cape but no body. From the way that the two interact I can assume that Darkness can see Light. So some description as to what she looks like would be good. As it is all I know about her is that she is an "...eternal beauty..." But overall your writing style is very elegant and has a certain richness to it.
Some corrections that I noticed. The word ravens should not be capitalized unless it is an actual name. As a flock of birds it isn't capitalized.
"...kill each other over pretty prices of paper and metal," pretty should be petty.
You have two paragraphs of speech that are both spoken from Darkness. If they are the same person, you should keep it together to avoid confusion or make it evident that the second section is still Darkness speaking.
My final mentions is this. Put more descriptions into your characters. What are their emotions as they are speaking? Does Light try to reach out her hand to Darkness to try and convey the feeling of hope and life? Wouldn't Darkness sound more defeated than analytical? Like the world is just the way it is and there is no making it better?
The ending of this interesting tale was a little...anticlimactic. There is this obvious argument that builds to this point and then it just plateaus. There is no real conclusion to the story. Will Light try to convince Darkness in future? Is this something that she will ponder?
All in all it is a good beginning for a short story. I think there are some routes that need to be explored and elaborated on. But it is a good foundation. Hope to see more from you.
Happy Writing!
Well, this is an experiment, that is what all of my writing is, and you are entitled to your opinion.
And just a heads up, this isn' the end
Glad to know that there is more to this story. I do hope that my review helped you with your experiment.
So basically everyone should take antidepressants and no one should drink alcohol? I feel like I didn't get this story, like it's something really personal that I don't have the context for and probably you wouldn't provide since it's about alcohol and antidepressants and I don't see how that wouldn't turn out to actually be really personal. I also don't want to be forced to ingest either alcohol or antidepressants without my knowledge, so please don't bump into me, Light or Darkness. And the thing with Darkness using logical evidence really doesn't make sense if darkness is actually alcohol, since alcohol tends to make people be irrational. Also, ravens is not capitalized in English.
No, the story does not say people should take antidepressants, this story represents what some people need to feel happy, and the consequences. My apologies if you can't comprehend it.
You have some very valid points here, but, it appears you are taking the story out of context.c
And one last thing, where is the constructive criticism, all I am seeing is the second word.