Published September 22, 2010
:20
Painting the sky
With strokes of grey,
It falls from the heavens
Like a tainted rain.
Murderous scents
Burn our lungs
Ache our throats
And shed our tears
-Chorus start -0:26
Take my hand
And guide me from,
The sulfur that rains
All around me.
A dangerous kind
Of a twisted mind
You force the world
On me
Taking the trust
And turning it to lust
All the things you thrust
Upon me.
-Chorus end-
0:56
YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!
1:22
A fucked up liar
Is what you are
Taking me
Abusing me
Killing me
-Chorus start- 1:54
Take my hand
And guide me from
The sulfur that rains
All around me.
A demented kind
Of a twisted mind
You force the world
On me.
Taking the trust
And turning it to lust
All the things you thrust
Upon me.
-Chorus end-
3:33
Poor child of mine
Helpless and undying
Please don’t disown
And remain unknown
Don’t fall into the
Abyss
Don’t cry when you
Reminisce
Please stay strong
And don’t let life feel wrong.
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Hello again!
For me this line has too many syllables and doesn't really fit in with the rest of the rhythm. If it fits well for you the way you sing it than that's awesome.
I like this stanza. "On me" though doesn't fit in cause it's so short. Is 'me' held out? If so, I'd put ... there so the reader will know.
This is super rhymey and it feels a little forced. Remember, you don't have to follow a set rhyme scheme.
Another spot where the rhyme feels forced to me.
The rhythm is off here for me too cause of "abyss".
Overall, I like the general concept of it and overall I think you did a pretty good job. There is a lot of feeling to it which is great. A couple of things to consider...
Rhyming. You don't have to follow a set rhyme scheme if that's not what naturally flows as you're writing the song. A lot of the rhymes feel forced in here. I marked a couple but there are more, especially in the second half. I said this in the last song too I believe, but think back to when you wrote it. Did the words all flow completely naturally or were you sitting there thinking about what word can rhyme with this word and make some sense? You want it to all be very natural.
Rhythm. The beginning was great. I could hear the song playing in my head, it had great rhythm. As soon as those shorter lines and a couple longer lines got thrown in the mix it was more difficult for me to keep a steady rhythm going and hear the song in my head. If you can, that's awesome, but maybe try to put in some more punctuation and ...'s for your readers.
-Carly
Hi Maki! I changed the rating of this to 16+, since it had the f-word in it.
Now, as for your lyrics! I can see it as some sort of heavy metal song. For the most part, it has a really nice flow, plus I really like the lyrics! However, "YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!" seemed a little bit too Tourette's and random. I mean, you have really good lyrics and then this random outburst? It struck me more as amusing random rather than the shocking effect that you were going for. Just so you know! ^_^
thanks lol. I wanted that to be like that. THe sudden scream really matches the music
Wow. Dark, but really good. Although this line was a shocker:
Not that I'm one of those people who have anything against the word "fuck." It's just that, up to that point - yes, the song is bitter, depressed, sad, and dark, but in a sort of...rainy way. In a gentle way, if you will. And suddenly that line is shouted (or it looks like it is, anyways) and two-thirds swearwords. (Again, nothing against that.) If you meant to make this line stand out - good job, because it definitely does. It's kind of a twist, something unexpected, especially since the rest of the song kind of goes back to being rainy (except for the second use of the word "fucking"). But now the raininess kind of has more to it, if you get my drift, because even though the bitterness and depression seems held in and gentle, we saw that one moment of control being lost, so we know what's under the surface...