The footsteps

by Maia

Published October 8, 2013

12+

In Poems

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    • The footsteps resounded

    Around the walls,

    They were slow and delibrate

    In the empty hall.

    This place had once sung

    With the joy of the children,

    Who had played and had sprung

    From the streets of London.

    But the war had come

    With casualties and death.

    They had tried to hold on

    To what they had left.

    Jerry had come,

    With his bullets and bombs.

    There was no assylum

    From the destrustion and death.

    The footsteps stopped.

    Because the child had arrived

    At the house he had lived in

    Before this had begun.

    The door had no hinges,

    The windows, no glass.

    The walls were but rubble

    Destroyed en masse.

    He looked through the rubble

    Until he had found

    His old Football,

    For the memories it held.

Comments & reviews · 4
User avatar
abnat22 Review
abnat22 wrote a review Review · Oct 8, 2013

Hi Maia. :)

First off, I'm a musician before a writer and I like the rhythm in this poem. It is very clean.

As others have pointed out, you did apparently stop with your rhyme scheme part way through the poem. It is slightly off putting for the reader but if that is how you envisioned it, and that is how you are satisfied with it - then leave it. You are the writer, you know what is best for your work.

I particularly enjoyed....


"The door had no hinges,

The windows, no glass.

The walls were but rubble

Destroyed en masse."


"The footsteps resounded

Around the walls,

They were slow and delibrate

In the empty hall."


Thanks for sharing, Maia. I hope you continue to write. You do nice work.

If you have any questions or otherwise, feel free to let me know. :)

~ abnat22

User avatar
SaraiRayne Review
SaraiRayne wrote a review Review · Oct 8, 2013

Personally I found it beautiful. it was emotional for me also, which I absolutely love poems like that. You did stop rhyming after you got into it though, which confused slightly. But like I said at the beginning, overall it is a miraculously beautiful poem.

Maia replied · Oct 9, 2013

Thank you for you're review! I'm really glad you liked it!

You are very welcome, nice to know some people still have manners in this world!
:)

User avatar
Messenger
Review
Messenger wrote a review Review · Oct 8, 2013

The Knight Messenger here to review for the Knights of the Green Room.
So overall this was pretty well done, and I liked the time period that you used, but there are two things that would've made it better.
1. You quit rhyming it about halfway through, and I don't really get why. Maybe you couldn't find the write words.
2. I thought that some of your rhyming didn't really rhyme to well. Many you could look into it, but it's your decision.
Now there were some very good things as well.
1. I thought the rhythm was very well kept. There weren't any parts where the rhythm slowed. There weren't any lines where they were randomly way longer than the others, and that isn't always an easy thing to do.
2. I really liked the WWII theme a lot, and how you executed it in the poem. the pat at the end about the football really improved it overall.
Keep it up!

Maia replied · Oct 9, 2013

You're right about the rhyming, I couldn't find any words that could go with the poem and make sense at the same time. Thanks for your review!

whitewolfpuppy wrote a review Review · Oct 8, 2013

Hey there! I will be reviewing your poem today. :)

Comments
Great job! I would say you could change the long poem into verses. Sometimes the length tends to turn people away because it hurts their eyes, even if it is not very long. Just a viewing thing, so here is just one thing I would like to point out. Nothing big, you did very well and there is not a lot that I would change. :)

This place had once sung

With the joy of the children,

For some reason, this sounds a bit weird to me. It could just be me but I would read that out loud to see if you see the same thing.

Over all
Like I said before, you did a great job! I really liked it, though I am not a poet. I can see a vision through it. Which is always nice for me, ha- If you need anything else reviewed, feel free to send me a message on my profile. :) Thank you for your time,
~Onyx

Maia replied · Oct 9, 2013

Thanks for you review! I tried to put the verses in but they seem to have dissapeared when I published it, I'll try and fix that.



I don't do time.
— Liberty