Young Writers Society

Hey there Mage! One last poem to finish up tonight, but I do hope you write more poetry in the future so I can read them over XD

This poem is certainly a little distinct from the rest in this portfolio, and that comes from the use of the first person and the clear imagery I can really glimpse in my mind.

Also, I just love all the feels that I'm getting from - the development of realizing how you felt about this girl (which was adorable) and the details I really appreciated because I really appreciated getting more things that I can connect with to the first true sensation of a crush. That is a definitely relatable feeling with plenty of other youngsters on here.

The progression through the time periods also worked really well! My few pieces of advice would probably be to either cut the third-to-last and second-to-last pieces as they kind of went together, and to maybe add a slight more detail to these imaginary dates/life you thought of with this girl, but I really dug this!

Furthermore, I think that this does a nice job at bringing in the strengths of your style - more prose-y, narrative, yet with some nice bursts of color and sights that really bring this piece together. ^^

Love love love this. It made me chuckle, it made me sad and happy. The way it was written honestly reminded me of an old person being nostalgic about the past. I also noticed you didn't use capital letters, I'm guessing that was intentional since it's everywhere.(not sure how to feel about that)

When I got to the fourth stanza my reaction was "oh no, why must you do this to me" and then I was relieved in the last one. It felt even sweeter because of the disappointment I felt in the 4th one.
I didn't notice any mistakes, and I read the poem pretty quickly. I didn't notice a crack in the flow.

Overall, 9.5/10 would read again.

Hello! Your poem caught my eye, so I decided to drop a review.

Themes

I thought you explored your themes very thoroughly in this poem, which I liked. With each stanza you seem to reveal a new aspect of the experience of crushing on another girl, letting the speaker’s discovery of her sexuality unfold in the poem as in real life and keeping the readers invested in her story.

Structure

1. The most immediately striking thing about this poem is your use of enjambments – you have a lot of them. Some of them are used effectively, for example I liked “i still remembered/ our dirty uniforms/ and gaping teeth.” because drawing focus to each aspect separately has a purpose – it shows how fond the memory was to the speaker. However, I don’t think they’re necessary everywhere in the poem, for example, lines 1-3 of the first stanza. To me, at least, rewriting it like this
“my first crush was my childhood best friend.”
doesn’t take a lot out of the poem. Varying the use (or lack of) enjambments in your poem can also help to make a more interesting reading pace, for example using more enjambments to show the intense emotion in stanza 2, but fewer or no enjambments in stanza 1 as it acts as the exposition/ introduction, where the speaker doesn’t yet realise their crush.
2. I liked the way you used dashes immensely to convey sudden thoughts or epiphanies. Furthermore, they are used sparingly enough to preserve the impact, which is something I personally have trouble doing in my writing.

Language

1. I thought you could have included more description of the speaker’s crush in stanza 2, perhaps more about personality or quirks if you want to avoid too many physical features. You have some good descriptors, like “cascaded” and “framed”, and I think you could do very well showing the reader how the speaker is crushing on this person and how they discover their sexuality through the language used rather than telling us straight in the next stanza “i finally understood . . . “, if that makes sense.
2. Relatedly, the last stanza was my favourite because of how you use ‘showing’ rather than ‘telling’ all the way through, choosing to repeat “I see you . . . “ rather than state the speaker’s inner thoughts. I thought this was a really good choice, especially for the last line, because that’s usually the one that readers remember.

Overall

This poem has a sweet, earnest feel to it and speaks clearly to the reader, which is why I found it highly enjoyable as a whole. The development of the theme in each subsequent stanza creates a sense of excitement, anticipation and I feel it would be even better if the pace and other structural devices were just as varied and exciting to read. I’m no expert, so some things I mentioned might be a little unclear (feel free to message me if you need clarification!) but hopefully you’ll find these comments helpful.

That’s all I’ve got – happy writing!