Crismon Pain (Excert)

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Rose looked out over the destitute land. How long had she lived here? Where was her family? All she had in her hands were two bloody swords. What had happened? Down at her feet laid German. His throat had been cut and he was lying in his own blood.

She steeped back in fear and tripped over something. She jumped up and looked down. On the ground laid a boy on his back. She threw the swords on the ground and held her hands over her face.

"Well done Rose!" a voice said from behind her.

She turned around and before her stood Tirrell and two other people. a muscular guy with short black hair and a girl wearing a black leather coat.

"You did it Rose!" said Tirrell with his arms stretched out. "I always knew you would be their down fall."

Rose held her hands over her face and yelled "Shut Up!"[/qu9ote]

Ooooh this is some exciting dialogue as well. Already you can tell there is some serious backstory behind what's happening here and that definitely ramps this all up to be much more exciting here. Especially given it looks like our main character was somehow tricked into doing something they don't want to do or was at least forced to do something distasteful and now we've got people gloating about it.

It began to get dark and all she felt was Artic coldness. Was she near death? She fell to her knees and let out a deep breath.

"Rose," yelled German "are you okay?"

She opened her eyes and stared face to face with German.

Question:

Mage_Banks wrote:Down at her feet laid German. His throat had been cut and he was lying in his own blood.

Mage_Banks wrote:She opened her eyes and stared face to face with German.

Hi Mage, you friendly YWS Fire here.

Hope this simple review helps you a lot.

What had happened? Down at her feet laid lay German.

It began to get dark and all she felt was the Artic coldness.

She opened her eyes and stared face to face with at German.

Hi, mage_banks, PenNPaper here.

Nice job, although I would have liked to see more.

Also steeped should be changed to stepped.

Other than that it was a good story, the questions at the beginning kept me thinking, that was a good start.

Hey, Mage! I thought this was great. You described everything well, but as Mia said, the ending was a little confusing. I'm not going to go deep into grammar, because it has been done, but you do need to make sure that you check it for grammar mistakes at least once before posting! Anyways, keep writing.

Good luck!

-Kate

Hey, Mia here
Below, my comments are in bold and any added words are underlined.

Rose looked out over the destitute land. How long had she lived here? Where was her family? All she had in her hands were two bloody swords. What had happened? Down at her feet laid German. His throat had been cut and he was lying in his own blood.
I like how you began the piece with questions, keeping me interested in what's going on. However I think 'What had happened?' should be placed begore 'All she had in her hands were two bloody swords', this being because without doing this it seems a bit extra and throws off the flow you had before.
Also i think maybe a bit more description of the land is needed, because I couldn't picture it in my head at all since no information is given about it besides 'destitute'.

She steeped stepped back in fear and tripped over something. She jumped up and looked down. On the ground laid a boy on his back. She threw the swords on the ground and held her hands over her face.
In the third sentence, it should be 'lay' not 'laid', because in my opinion the word 'laid' is when someone is doing the action to someone else. For example: The boy was laid on his back.

"Well done Rose!" a voice said from behind her.
Please please pleasee don't use the word 'said' unless it is your last resort! It completely lacks description, and it makes us unsure of how the sentence is being said. Surely you can think of a better word? Did the voice shout? state? Exclaim? Experiment with different words and see what sounds best to you

She turned around and before her stood Tirrell and two other people. a A muscular guy with short black hair and a girl wearing a black leather coat.

"You did it Rose!" said Tirrell with his arms stretched out. "I always knew you would be their down fall."
Remove that 'said'! xD And I'm pretty sure 'downfall' is one word.

Rose held her hands over her face and yelled "Shut Up!"
You have already said that she held her hands over her face before. Change it abit and make it more interesting. I was thinking you could change it to somethig like:
"Shut up," Rose whispered, running her fingers through her hair as she continued to gaze at the swords which now lay at her feet.
Or.
"Shut up!" Rose yelled, kicking the swords beneath her as she thought of what had taken place.
(Something along those lines, those were just examples)

It began to get dark and all she felt was Artic coldness. Was she near death? She fell to her knees and let out a deep breath.

"Rose," yelled German "are you okay?"

She opened her eyes and stared face to face with German.

Very nice! I wish there were more too it!