Young Writers Society

I don't think it's exactly poetic, but I like it. Scientism is retarded. What ever happened to loving your neighbor as yourself?

I can't exactly say that I like this. It was unorganized and it didn't fit right to me. But I also can't say I hate it because the message is loud and clear and I can feel the emotion underneath but still.
I thought that all you need is to get a rythm going and actually define some of the characteristics a bit more. I agree with some of what you said and I think that this subject shows promise, but you do need to change a lot of things.
If you want to call this a poem, rethink on how you want to come at it. I thought that this was very confusing. In a way that you didn't explain thoroughly. Think of a person who has no idea on what you're writing about. Clarify your given points.
I like the concept but I just think you need to shape it more.
Can't wait to see what you do with it.

The one thing that caught my eye was the title. It did sound to be revolutionary. But the poem kind of made no sense. I didn't get it. I don't do poems but I sometimes do, and this one has no point, plot.

Nike

Lame and outdated you wannabe

Umm, hey.
I would review, but everything that needs to be said( about the poem, that is) has been said.
There is not such thing as a final copy, just a really good rough draft.
So just tweak this one, and offer valid reason as to why you are so enraged, and it will all be fine.
You are entitled to your own opinion, so write about it - and make it special.
But the language doesn't really do anything for this subject, and the poem is lacking in substance and detail.
Just explain. No need to be so defensive, it's just a review.


'Kay?

Also-
Remember that this is a forum for reviewing, not debating. Can we please quit being so argumentative and stop with the personal attacks? I'm not modding or anything, but it's just really stressful to watch...
Let's save it for this forum.

Just keep writing, and review the same way you would like other to review *you*.
That's my $0.02!
Thanks!
-------------------------
-Jojo

This is it. And I'm not bothering with you or your writing anymore after this.

Bolshevik wrote:some people really annoy me.

Space.

Hi Bolshevik, thought I'd drop in and leave my thoughts.
Generally, this is a classy response to issues we have eh? I think so.

But otherwise. What in the world are you talking about?
What fuels your rather unconstructive anger in this poem? The fact that when all this scientific progress happens people are hungry?
Have you completely disregarded billions of dollars are flowing into many different causes at once, science and charitable causes at the same time.
But it's cool we don't have to fuel science, we can stay in this earth are remain oblivious to things happening around us that could provide answers to this world.

Your general attempt at being "rebellious" here is like slapping a picture of some political powerhouse with a limp slippery fish. Completely uneffective in proving or convincing the reader in anything. It's like those angsty teens running around with their rebellious sneakers, specifically maintained hair, and obscure music choices, screaming "Don't let the man yet you down yoooo." They're internally obsessed with their need to go against the crowd, as this poem is.

You want to make a change? Okay. Start by convincing me. How does scientific exploration effect or worsen the fact people are malnourished around the world. How would stopping the funding for these programs change anything? Here you're just stating cloudy angered thoughts expecting the reader to nod submissively at what you're saying.

Also:

because reality doesn't equal viewers

So what are you trying to communicate? Honestly ask yourself this. I'm not holding back here, because there's not much present to stop me and make me think.

Bolshevik wrote:Fuck Them

On the moon, a man is prancing and skipping rocks,
while on earth billions are starving,
millions are dying.
Fuck them.

We fund NASA, fund war, feed the machines,
and let people die because the world is just,
because reality doesn't equal viewers,
and science and exploration will save us all.
So fuck them.

On the moon, a man is prancing and skipping rocks,
while on earth billions are starving,
millions are dying.
Fuck them.

We fund NASA, fund war, feed the machines,
and let people die because the world is just,
because reality doesn't equal viewers,
and science and exploration will save us all.
So fuck them.

I agree. NASA is just spending an unnecessary amount of money to launch rockets. How is that going to fix the economy?

Your message is kind of blah, or at least to me. I've always considered poetry to be a bit of a revolution, so it's not enough (for me!) to just say, "Fuck it!" I want to know what else is going to happen and how the revolution . So, for me, this poem is rather bland because it's like somebody giving up, which really has no potential for action. And I love poems that hint of action and danger.

See if you can make your poems a bit more revolutionary.

Nice, i really like the message you are passing on.Your poem is direct and in your face, very good!
The poem isn't very uniform though and being the freak i am that unsettles me. Maybe add more lines to the first stanza?
Your use of language is very good though, quite clever. I love the line ' because reality doesn't equal viewers' noting could be more true!
Great work!

Not reviewing, but I did want to add that I like the juxtaposing of Kitty Genovese's picture next to this poem. It may have been unintentional, but it fits well.