Sudden Impulse: Alexander the Great

"What the fuck ya think this is, kid? A baby factory? Get on out of here! Scram!" A tall man with a scar on his cheek shouts this out at the top of his lungs as the beggars linger around searching for scraps and metal.

The boy he directed his question to watches his rustic shoes and says nothing for a moment and his scruffy looking face finally looks up and says, "But I just want a brother, mister. Isn't this the orphanage with all the abandoned kids?"

"Yeah, and we ain't got no more room for ya, bastards. Ya'll need to learn how to keep ya'lls parents." He says rudely.

Across the street from that same scene downtown, there's a man in a trench coat reading his newspaper next to a cardboard newsstand. His eyes skim over the page and his ears pick up the vocals. He shakes his head and turns to the clerk.

"It's a shame this town."

The clerk with a handlebar mustache and large belly gives him a grim look. "Shut up and pay for the paper. This is not a library."

"Sucks to you then." He replies as he digs into his trousers for some change and places it on the table.

A sophisticated woman quickly walks by and the trench coat man leaves and says, " ...and you have a good day too, sir!"

He smiles at his audacity and briskly paces himself to the other end of town with the tattered paper from yesterday that he purchased.

"Sir, would you like to buy some books? These are guaranteed to not have been stolen."

A boy of about twelve looks up at the young gentleman with peering eyes that spell out misery and pride.

"My brother and I we're just simpletons, but we have got a great selection here. Everything from Aristotle and Sophocles to Shakespeare and Dickens. How about it, sir? They're a bargain here."

Alexander grins and blinks his contacts back into place, "It's alright. Here I'll buy one. Is this enough for that book?"

"Perfect, sir, Thank you very much."

The boys run off with a gleeful stammer.

He thinks back to the platinum blonde boy who sold him the book and grins again.

Alexander then crosses the street into the piss drenched sidewalks of downtown. It smells foul and leaves a stagnant odor in the iridescent air. He steps up to Building A on Rutherford Ave. and into his small apartment.

The brown and absurd floors of false wood stare up at him, flashing images of past homicides of the run-down complex.

Peeling red paint and shouts from every door in the hall along with gritty graffiti show extreme signs of decaying residue of past domestic violence.

Alexander stares into the small peep hole of apartment 4A and hesitates before knocking.

"What the hell do you want? Leave me alone!! I'm fucking busy!" shouts the hole with a dent by the brass knob.

"It's me! I'm here about the appointment."

"Ah, Fuck! It's freaking 10 o clock in the morning. Can't you come later?"

"No, now let me in."

"Come back later. I'm not opening the door."

Alexander's profile is seen from the hallway window as a dark silhouette. He heaves a big sigh full of regret and boiling frustration. He pushes the door open with all his weight.

He looks around the decadent room. It arouses a certain strange and peculiar odor. Strewn stuff is thrown around everywhere in obscure places and awkward positions.

"Did you just break into my house? I'll call the cops on you for that. Just you wait, asshole!"

Alexander hears him shout from a certain direction. He explores the room a little longer with curious eyes before walking around in a confused manner.

He opens the bedroom and finds nothing but a bed with a huge piss stain, a purple curtain blowing in the wind because of a broken window, and condom wrappers everywhere. He moves on and sees a light under a doorway.

Opening the door he finds an explosive shocking image.

"Dylan?"

Dylan Marie Valentino sits on a toilet with a guitar hanging in the shower next to him and a shotgun in his hand.

The shotgun is pointed at Alexander and Dylan follows him like a hawk.

"What did I just get through telling you? People have no patience in this world. Why did you have to be one of those people, Alex? Get the fuck out here and come back later before I blow up your heat with this gun."

Alexander had already begun to sweat and tried to ignore the fact that a man with his pants pulled down and his ass hanging over a bowl was pointing a gun at him.

"I can't though. I have to leave town soon. I can't wait."

Alexander says as he pulls out his "play it cool card" and attempts to ignore the foul stench of shit filling his nostrils.

"Then I suggest you leave now or forget coming here."

He blasted his shotgun. The shotgun shell flew through the wall behind him and the sound made a dangling piece of glass from the mirror shatter.

"The next one won't miss. I guarantee that."

Dylan scrunched his face as Alexander heard another plop go into the toilet; he didn't hesitate to run that time.

Comments & reviews · 3
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Nate
Review
Nate wrote a review · Sun Aug 20, 2006 12:22 am

If the story contains foul language, as this one does, it needs to be rated R. I've already changed the content rating, but in the future you need to make sure your story is rated appropiately.

You describe the grittiness of Alex's world very well. You get a sense of despair and foreboding all throughout. And as Sam said, the perspective works out really well.

I actually don't have much to critique here. Your style is good, the descriptions are well done, and the dialogue is unique. My only advice really is to expand it. This is a very good intro, and I'd like to read more about who Alex is and his world.

User avatar
Sam
Review
Sam wrote a review · Fri Aug 18, 2006 9:50 pm

Haven't seen you around the forums before...so, hey!

STUFF YOU DID WELL:

- The perspective (perspective, not POV, because you're in Omnipotent) switch between random characters gave us a little more insight into the harshness of Alexander's world.

- You've got a great flow in present tense! This is good, considering a lot of people don't like to read that way unless it's done well. (I personally love present tense, so you got extra points just for that. :wink:)

- And of course...with the present tense AND a great sense of perspective comes poetry. Poetic writing always makes for a great read- and is an excellent effect (if you can pull it off) when writing gritty scenes.

STUFF THAT COULD USE A SECOND LOOK:

- Separate your paragraphs- especially between a perspective switch. This will make your story not only look neater, but also read a little better. There are also all sort of cool things you can do with the separation- suspense, flow, etcetera. You could do it the 'proper' way- or just experiment to see what sounds right.

- 'The brown and absurd floors...' and the next section uses the word 'past' too much. Substitute one of those for 'bygone', or something similar.

- You say something to the effect of 'arouses a smell' in the part where Alexander steps into the aparment. Instead, try 'gives off' a smell or 'brings to mind' a smell.

- Want to give Alexander's world a crude effect? Save profanity for the dialogue. In narration, it just makes everything look dark and gritty- which doesn't help the poetry aspect at all. It's also more of a shock to us if used only for speech.



“Though lovers be lost, love shall not; And death shall have no dominion.”
— Dylan Thomas