Celebrity Sex Symbol (R)

My favorite stanza of this was this one:

and since when did you get so amazing
with your thighs around my neck
darling, you're putting too much lip marks on my face
please, stop before we start spreading the gossip around town

I especially like the first two lines, because for the first time in the poem, it stops talking about the narrator and brings in another person in an intimate way, which automatically shows character and binds the reader closer to the poem since that means you start showing instead of telling. And let's face it... telling is boring, especially in poetry.

The rest of the poem is simply telling, and it doesn't tell much. It just keeps repeating itself over and over again, with different ways of expressing the same idea, but unfortunately your main idea (celebrity) doesn't lend itself to much. Try dealing with more sexuality and make this truly R rated... and better. After all, being a celebrity is one thing -- being a sex symbol is completely different.

Anyway, good luck.

This was a good idea, but I didn't really like it that much. I thought it was a little dull, a little dry, and not the most satisfying internet poem one could pull up on a whim.

So then. There were a couple of grammatical mistakes:

darling, you're putting too much lip marks on my face

a tragic fad, another facination

I very much like the idea of this, it's super.

Maybe try improving on your punctuation and structure abit. But all in all this is great. Good work.


x

I didn't like this a whole lot. You have a good idea, but I think it was improperly executed.

For one, punctuate. Punctuation is your friend.

This was more like a spoken piece, really... It didn't have any poetic elements to it. I couldn't get into the poem, I couldn't visualize anything. Spoken poems aren't bad, but you still have to do them with poetic elements. why not try to find a way to add more metaphors, and sensory images to your poem. Pay attention to word choice, and think about how you're structuring your poetry.

Poetry takes a lot more than just words on paper. Best of luck.

PS--A Mod Note: Is this rated R? You say "(R)" in your title, so I'm just going to rate it R. Next time, be sure to rate it properly. Mentioning it in the title is good too, but we also have a rating-thing that is much easier to use. ^_~

Wow. This was really good and I thought that the rhythm and flow worked perfectly. I agree with Night when he says that it could be a little more hard hitting and dramatic so that the reader understand what the author is going through.

Altogether though, great!

Ah! that was good,keep writing.

Good flow. But it didn't cut as deeply as it probably could have.