E - Everyone

Baguettes and Beggars

Monsieur Flavio Marie reached into his pockets, groping in the hand-sized void for his brass key. His breath came out in icy puffs, the cool French air turning his cheeks rosy. Pedestrians passed him, heads tucked down and walking at a pace brisker than the temperature. His hands finally closed around the devilishly small key, and his gloved hand pulled it out and wiggled it into the lock. He heard the lock click, and then the door swung open with the slightest of creaks. 

Flavio stepped into the modest bakery, closing the door behind him. The shop wasn't much warmer than the outside, but at least there was no stinging wind. Flavio turned the lights on and waited to see the familiar flicker as half of the light bulbs shone their dim light on the small shop. Flavio went across the room to inspect the wobbly tables. There were no massive patches of dirt and no piles of crumbs, so he saw no need to wipe them down again before opening at 8:00. 

Flavio checked the large clock above the door, ticking patiently and rhythmically every second. He had thirty minutes to prepare for opening. He opened earlier than many of the other coffee shops in the area, so he needed to make sure that he was well enough stocked to last the morning rush. His baguettes were sitting in the only heated section of the building. Unwrapping them, he inhaled deeply and relished in the smell of freshness. He prided himself on the deliciousness of his baguettes, famed across Dunkirk for their quality. 

His coffee was mediocre at best, but it was of little significance. His bread had earned him the reputation of a high-quality baker, and the coffee was an aside. Mediocre coffee only drew more attention to how good his bread was, and there was a well-thought out reason he refused to serve only coffee. There were plenty of other shops for that. 

Meticulously inspecting the counter top to make sure it was polished, Flavio rolled up the sleeves of his well-floured apron. He didn't care about the tables, since no one would notice the tables due to the dim lighting, but the counter tops were always in plain sight and well-lit. To keep costs down, he intentionally encouraged people through subtle hints throughout his shop to come in, buy a piping hot bagel, and be on their way relatively quickly. For the most part, people obeyed this silent rule that hung over his shop. 

Flavio glanced at the clock and raised his eyebrows in mild surprise. He only had ten minutes. Pausing for a moment, Flavio noticed how low the temperature was. The atmosphere of the bakery was a huge selling point for his shop, as he had well noted from past experience. He made sure to turn the ovens on just to seem like he was cooking something and to warm up the room for less money, but did adjust the thermostat to just below room temperature. There was one more imperative test before the shop officially opened and was given his seal of approval. 

He stood in the back of the room and took every single element of the room in, drinking in the smells, sights, and sounds simultaneously. The front was practically sparkling from cleanliness, the only sound was the gentle ticking of the clock, which would soon be replaced with the chatter of customers, and the smell was amazing. All different types of warm breads, prepared in every which way for every different preference. 

Five minutes till opening. Flavio sighed with relief and dusted off his apron, mentally preparing himself for the first wave of customers. Only three hours till break, he reminded himself. Three hours. With a shop this good, that's probably almost 80 customers. 80 customers could bring in quite a revenue, enough to pay for Flavio's rent and to reinvest in his small little company until he was the most famous coffee shop in the area. Flavio went to change his sign to 'Open', humming merrily as he did so, and noticed a grimy face pressed against the window. 

It was another orphan. A tiny part of his heart beat with sympathy for the poor soul, but the businessman in him straightened his imaginary tie and went to heartlessly shoo the beggar away. Flavio leaned out into the door and barked at the girl, "Scram! This is a business, not an orphanage!" The girl scuttled away in fear, her face paling. Orphans were treated roughly in big cities, and Dunkirk was no exception. 

A passing businesswoman shook her head in disgust as she walked by Flavio, making sure to bump him with her elbow. Flavio turned to her, about to shout some choice words, but decided against it almost immediately. As he considered what he had just done, his heart ached as he watched the child disappear into the alleys. Immediately, the rational side of his brain protested. "Such is life, Flavio. You worked hard every day to make your dreams a reality. Someone else will find her and protect her." 

"But will they?" another voice spoke up. "What if no one cares? Out of the millions of orphans, what makes you think someone will just want the burden of a homeless child on their shoulders?" 

It was then that Flavio made a decision. He bolted out of his shop, prioritizing something over his business for the first time in 7 years. Without so much as a backwards glance, he sprinted through the alleys until he found the girl huddled up against a wall. Heart pounding, he leaned against the wall and offered her his hand. 

The girl, petrified from fear and cold, took his hand and rose to her feet. She limped as she walked, and Flavio noticed she wasn't wearing shoes but merely some half-frozen cloths. He helped her stagger back to his shop, where he invited her in and sat her down in the back. The bell above the door jangled with the sound of a customer entering, but Flavio ignored all outside distractions and unwrapped the cloths frozen around the poor girl's feet. He pulled a bench over next to the ovens and set her feet there, massaging them gently and tenderly.

"Bonjour?" the customer called uncertainly. The voice was a gentle baritone, making it apparent that this was a man speaking. He appeared to be peering around the corner towards the back, trying to see if anyone was in the shop. 

"Yes, yes, one moment please, monsieur," Flavio called. He placed the wrappings in the oven and whispered, "During my break, I will get you a new pair of shoes for the winter." The girl smiled in thanks as Flavio rose. Hurrying to the front, he greeted the new customer. 

"I would like a bagel with blueberry spread, please," the customer requested. He pulled out his exquisite leather wallet and daintily plucked two francs out and set them on the counter. Flavio whirled around and gently tugged on a bag of bagels and removed one. Twisting the bag up to keep them as fresh as possible, Flavio started to spread the blueberry jam on it. The orphan was perfectly silent in the back, not making a single noise. She seemed content but out of place, as if warmth was an abstract concept she longed for but had never received before and could not handle properly. The customer waited patiently up front, busying himself by removing dirt from under his fingernails. 

Flavio wrapped the bagel in tissue paper and gently placed it on the table. The customer gratefully exchanged the money for the bagel. Flavio punched some numbers into the cash register and handed him back his change. The customer thanked him with a murmur and a sweep of the hat, then was off. 

As soon as he was out of sight, Flavio hastened back to the storage room. The girl sat there, quietly observing him with big brown eyes. They both stood there for a moment, fully evaluating the other and taking into account every physical discrepancy. The girl seemed to be from India or some neighboring country, judging by the darkness of her skin and her deep brown eyes. Somehow, someway, she seemed perfectly at ease despite the dramatic change in her fortune. She sat perched upon a stool, skinny legs dangling comfortably off the edge. Something about her seemed enthralling, though Flavio had never seen it before and couldn't identify it. Her eyes scanned him from head to toe, showing no sign of emotion but projecting a feeling of familiarity even though the two were complete strangers. 

Flavio broke the silence with an awkward cough, then politely requested, "Would you like something to eat?"

"I would like that very much," the girl answered in fluent French. Flavio couldn't detect an accent, though something about her pronunciation reminded him of a foreigner. Still mildly puzzled, Flavio hustled back to the front of the store and removed a slightly stale baguette. He reentered the room and handed it to the girl. 

When she took it, their hands brushed against each other's for a split second. Flavio felt a few hard callouses on her hand, and immediately was ashamed of how delicate and soft his hands were. She was probably only 7 or 8, but yet had worked harder than he had in all of his years of life. Sensing his shame, the girl smiled gently at him without any sort of judgement present in her gaze. 

"What's your name?" she asked softly. 

"Flavio Marie," he answered. "And you?"

"My name is  Adaki Laghari, but you may call me Anna," she replied. Her smile seemed to be a string of lightbulbs stretching across her face, setting the room aglow. Flavio extended his hand in courtesy, and she took it and held it firmly as they shook. Looking deep into her eyes, Flavio decided then and there that he would be willing to lose his business to save this little girl. 

And for the first time in his life, he felt truly happy. 

Comments & reviews · 4
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jennychwn Comment

Wow, this piece is extremely well written. May I publish this on my blog under your name and bio? I will link your Young Writers Society profile too if you wish.

If you don't mind, could you link your blog so I can see it? Then I can make a more informed decision.

Sorry for the late reply! I rarely check this website. Here it is: http://redefiningprejudice.weebly.com/

Please let me know!

Yes, you are welcome to. I would ask that you also give a link to my YWS profile along with my name there. Thank you for checking with me!

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Kazumi
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Kazumi wrote a review · Sun May 21, 2017 3:48 pm

Hey MJ, it's me again. Yeah, I'm back at the review game once more. This is a pretty little short you got here. Though you invested a ton into the details department and I acknowledge that, this story didn't quite have the impact for me. On the bright side, this one didn't trigger me so much. Let's get straight to it.

Before anything else, I want to address as soon as possible the biggest problem with this short: its ridiculous amount of details. Or more precisely, its lack of dramatic contrast in the writing. Like I said, you decked out every cubic inch of this story with details, and I bet you're proud of it. However, it's you overdid all the way it to the point where it already gets stale.

Imagine watching an action that movie that's composed only of these explosive, over-the-top action scenes that would have costed millions of dollars. It would be mindblowing at first, but would quickly get monotonous later. That's how this short feels like. It's just zooms in to every little detail in every little moment, even when it isn't needed at all (such as the scene where Flavio serves his first customer, most of the details of which are unimportant to the narrative). By the time the emotional climax comes around, I don't feel the full impact of it at all because I'm so used to this crazy amount of detail at that point. There is no calm before the storm, just stormstormstormstormstorm. There is little dramatic contrast in the writing.

I would like to elaborate on this a little more, but I feel as if I explained everything already. If you feel you don't grasp this concept completely, please tell me down below. I think it's a pretty important thing to know.

Another thing I have to complain about is the flatness of the main character. Yes, it's this again. Though I don't feel as much about this as the last short, he still falls flat (ha). Other than not being a heartless monster, I had difficulty finding things about him that I could like or relate to. I feel that you could breathe a little more life into the guy. You know, more quirks. More personality. All that fancy stuff.

The last major complaint I have is, ironically, the lack of setting. The thing I could not pinpoint about the setting is in which part the of the city the bakery was located. Is it in the rich section of the city? The middle-class part? Or is it in the slums? I guessed it was either first or second class, but I wasn't certain, not even with the details given. I can't rely on just the name of the city, because there is always a "rich" and "poor" sector in every city. The phrase "modest bakery" is way too broad and subjective to form a concrete image out of. A bakery can be considered neat and well-kept even though it is in the middle-class section or whatever. Contrary to popular belief, being a businessperson doesn't mean being rich, and that businesswoman could only be passing by. It was only when the customer pulled out an "exquisite leather wallet" that I realized that this story was set in the rich sector of the city.

The problem with not telling that aspect of the story is that affects my perspective of the main guy. Things like where he runs his business or where he is famous can greatly enrich my understanding of the guy.

Those are my major complaints. Now on to the minor little remarks I have.

-Flavio is a really retarded businessman imo. His unwillingness to up his coffee game is a failure to capitalize on earning profit off a product that is greatly in demand. We all know that morning coffee and coffee in general is a popular product. Just look at businesses like Starbucks and products like Nescafe. So by selling just "mediocre" coffee, he's missing out on a popular market.

On top of that, people in rich cities value convenience and live fast-paced lives. His customers' buying habits are also fast-paced: get in, buy some bread, then get out. How inconveniencing would it be to have to buy your bread in one store, then go out of your way to look for good coffee elsewhere? Wouldn't it service the customers more if they could just buy their bread and their morning coffee in one go?

God, this guy is just dumb. Now I can't even like him as a businessman.

-I find the girl's name funny. "Laghari" sounds like "lagari," which means to work excessively from where I'm at, and the image that brings in my head is some messy, disheveled-looking guy. It's funny how it lines up.

It's even funnier how Anna became a nickname for Adagaki. But then I had a classmate who went from "Inigo" to "Blue." Also "Dick" was a nickname for "Richard," so...

-It grinds my gears how the main guy went from "fk off you poor rat" to "I'm gonna do all that it takes to protect you, even if it would cost me my entire livelihood" so quickly. Not only is it sappy, but it's unnatural for him to change perspectives this fast.

Anyways, that's the review. Hopefully you got something out of it. It's already late where I'm at, so I'm just gonna skip the concluding paragraph. Have a good day.

-outvaders

Thanks for the review! I agree that Flavio's character wasn't as strong as it should be, and hopefully I will be able to improve that with time and perserverance. The reason I tried to make the setting more vague was to give the impression that it could happen anywhere, so it wasn't just something that was native to that region of France, if it makes any sense. Thanks again, and have a good day!

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BluesClues
Review

Hi there!

I wanted to echo PrincessInk in her thoughts on the ending. This was a heart-warming story, but there was nothing in the whole first part of the story to suggest Flavio isn't happy. He runs a successful business that he's proud of. It's mentioned that he makes more than enough money to cover his bills, but there's no sort of superficial love of money hinted at - i.e. by hoarding his money jealously or blowing the excess on luxuries that never satisfy him. The only slight hint was the "only three hours until break," but that's how anyone who works customer service for a living feels. We can be perfectly happy in other aspects of our lives and still go, "UGH, customer service."

(I mean, it's not all bad. But still. It can be exhausting to deal with people.)

ANYWAY. Additionally, there's a lack of motivation here.

It was then that Flavio made a decision. He bolted out of his shop, prioritizing something over his business for the first time in 7 years.


It's fine if Flavio goes after the girl without quite knowing why, but he does an about-face so quickly just because he realizes that if he doesn't do something no one will. One moment he's telling her to scram, the next minute he's bringing her to his shop and telling her he'll buy her shoes for the winter. The ending is similarly too quick and easy.

Looking deep into her eyes, Flavio decided then and there that he would be willing to lose his business to save this little girl.

And for the first time in his life, he felt truly happy.


There's no reason he should have to lose his business to save this girl from the streets - and how's he supposed to save her if he loses the business and winds up on the streets himself? She needs food, shoes, a bed. Yet he suddenly decides he'd be happy to lose the business to save the girl. I feel like I need to see more leading up to this decision. Not only more, but perhaps a clear reason why running the business conflicts with saving an orphan.

Write on!
Blue

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Thanks for the reviews! You made a lot of points that I agree with, and I hope to see you around soon! I'll tag you in a post if I post a new edited version.

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PrincessInk
Review

Hi MJ. Ink is here for a review on your short ;)

I really like this story. This is the type that I love to read, with a lovely, heartwarming ending. I happen to write these kinds of shorts as well. I especially loved the part Flavio just bolted out to help the girl even it meant that he had to temporarily leave behind his shop, and it makes me wonder if some store owners in that time felt sorry for the beggars despite their shooing. I also think you established the setting really well. I felt the dark coziness of the shop inside. Maybe I would have liked to feel more of the setting outside but I don't think it's so necessary because majority of the story takes place in his shop.

That being said, while I liked the setting crafted in the first few paragraphs, I did think that it was reeeeeally slow to begin. Perhaps it's alright in a longer piece, but the real meat of the story starts quite some time later. The rest of the story goes at a not-too-slow pace, and the beginning did throw me off. I think it would be nice to have a few paragraphs that do stuff like "set-up" in a story, but I'm not a fan if it goes on for too long. Anyway. On for the next part.

"Scram! This is a business, not an orphanage!"


The "Scram" felt really cold and nasty to me, and I was a little jarred to read that he was speaking it. I guess it doesn't feel like what he would say, judging from reading the story. Well, perhaps that's what the business owners usually say, but I'm just saying this as a comment.

Looking deep into her eyes, Flavio decided then and there that he would be willing to lose his business to save this little girl.


Hmm...I know that the business bit was for emphasis, but it struck the wrong chord. Why would he think about sacrificing his business? Because to me, I didn't see anything that might make him even think about it. The customer just went and bought a bagel and spread...and then he gave her a baguette. Maybe what happened if the customer discovered the girl sitting there? How would he react? How would she react? That would add an extra layer of conflict that is, perhaps, tied to the "lose his business" bit. I don't know. Maybe it fits your story; maybe it doesn't. Just food for thought.

And for the first time in his life, he felt truly happy.


Although this was a perfectly lovely ending, I didn't really see anything in the beginning that made me feel as if he was not quite happy. I thought he was content already with his life as a coffee-shop owner. I know that the "happy, but not quite" is a rather tricky feeling to express, especially that the person might not even notice that feeling.

Well, I think that's all I've got to talk about. Hope this review helped, and poke my inbox if you want to talk about it :D

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Thanks PrincessInk! I will be modifying the ending because I agree that it's too rushed, but after that I'll publish a modified version and tag you in that post if you're interested in reviewing the edited version as well.



We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.
— Ernest Hemingway