I love you mother.

First, Welcome to YWS! I think you'll find it a very helpful and fun place. Unfortunately, it's kind of an addicting place to be. Overall, I hope you enjoy your stay.

Before I begin to break down the story, just a fair warning; I consider myself an honest critiquer. This means I will not hold anything back. If I see something I don't understand or I think it requires more information, I won't hesitate to let you know.

That being said, I assume you are looking for more feedback (help) than comments. So, let's begin, shall we?

Dialogue

The first cardinal rule of dialogue is when someone (a new character) is talking; there is always a new line. For instance:

"Did you here something?" queries my father in his gruff man voice.
My mother replies "It could be a burglar, go check it out please."

Also, there should be a comma after 'replies.'

And again –

Her voluptuous body shines in the silver light.
"Mother...I'm sorry, but it's just too much. It seems that you two never stop making love, and I can't take it anymore. This house conducts sound like you wouldn't believe."

So far, so good? If you don't understand the correct formation of dialogue, you can ask.

Spelling/Grammar

First, the spelling:

I would here the noises coming from the second floor.

hear, instead of here. The word 'here' determines a location or place. 'Hear' is used when you are describing audio sounds, like vibrations, yelling, hollering etc. But I'm sure you already know that. Just a little typo.

Now, the grammar:

One of the steps creaks...*creak*...and the sounds stop.

You have two choices here. One, if you mention the stairs are creaking you do not need to add the sound effects. It only clutters the sentence and distracts the reader.

However, if you'd like to use the sound effect because you feel it will provide depth in the atmosphere, I would try something along the lines of this, since it's in the First Person:

I walk up the steps and hear an echoing sound throughout the room. Creeek.

Actually, I'll do one step better for you. I use sound effects in my novel that I'm currently writing. So, here's another example:

Before I could ask what a patriot was, he had already limped away and I heard a thwack as the door to my parent's room was shut.

You might have to rearrange or play around with words if you decide to use sound effects. Personally, I like using them. I feel they do give depth to the story, if they're used correctly.

I noticed you use (…) quite a bit in your story. The only time when I use the 'three dots' is when a character is stuttering, unable to speak well for one reason or another, or the character is pausing; lost in thought.

Let's have another look at one of the sentences where (…) is being used.

"Mother...I'm sorry, but it's just too much. It seems that you two never stop making love, and I can't take it anymore. This house conducts sound like you wouldn't believe."

In my opinion, I would tweak the sentence so it looks like this:

"Mother, I'm sorry, but it's just too much. It seems that you two never stop making love, and I can't take it anymore.

I didn't finish the rest of the sentence but I feel you understand what I mean. By adding the comma, doesn't the sentence sound stronger to you?

I personally would remove all the areas where you're using (…) because they aren't benefiting the story in any way but cluttering the sentences and paragraphs up.

The Story Itself

Well, I can tell you right away that you might want to consider placing a rating on your story. There are some very young members on this site and your story is definitely a rated R.

As for my personal opinion on it? I'm undecided as to whether I enjoyed it or not. I honestly like how the story started and it caught my eye instantly with the old saying Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring and then you added, except my parents.

An interesting and good strategy to gain a reader's interest. At least, it caught mine and I'm a hard reader to draw into a story.

As the story progresses, I reach this wonderful paragraph:

There was once a time of great naive where I didn't know what the sounds were. Oh what a glorious time that was. But I must not dwell in the past. The fact is that now I know the sounds are those that are made when a passionate married couple express their love for each other - they are the sounds of sex - hot, vile, smelly, sweaty sex.

And no, when I say 'wonderful' I'm not being sarcastic. I thought the paragraph was endearing and touching in a way.

You have two people that love each other very much (Or I assume. Lack of details in the story don't allow me to judge differently) and their obviously not afraid to show it. You even go on describing that this has happened quite a few times. So, I just though it was a cool paragraph.

But things change drastically, and this is where I'm thrown off completely as the reader. In other words – confused.

Something has to be done, for this has gone on long enough.

Right of the bat, you tell us this character (female, I'm assuming?) is irritable about the noises, but why exactly? Do the sounds keep her awake? Gross her out? Both? Maybe she's upset that parent's are so involved with each other, that they neglect their daughter's needs and wants?

At the end you mention pills and a disease. I'm sorry but that doesn't explain anything or why such a rash reaction to sex. More on that later though.

Thank you mother, for being so irresponsible as to buy me this deadly razor sharp katana for my last birthday. Now it shall be your's and father's demise.

Ok, there a few things I will point out. First, I'm under the impression that this person is a young child since you describe teenage breasts. Unless this was a girl late into her teens, I can't see a parent giving a Katana (Japanese sword) to their daughter. Also, I believe in some States/Countries, such weapons are illegal. I know this because I've collected knives and daggers for many years and some weapons are just forbidden to possess.

Not to mention, Katanas are not exactly the lightest thing to handle. (I've held one before.

) The way it's described in the story, this teenager is effortlessly carrying a sword up a flight of stairs. It's a pretty unrealistic scene.

A pocket knife, where the blade is about three-five inches might be a better choice. The blade size means the knife itself isn't extremely large and would be better concealed and easier to swing at a person. A Katana, like I mentioned, is heavy and no person can swing it in an arc, without proper training, practice and agility.

She was always such a paranoid bitch.

Interesting.

It sounds like this teenager doesn't care for her parents at all. If you could elaborate and explain further, that would be awesome!

Why does this female teenager think her Mom is a bitch? Why doesn't she thing the same of the Dad? What has the Mom done especially in the past to be deemed a bitch? I ask, because you mention paranoia, and that triggered the 'bitch comment' from the teenager. So, paranoia or acute paranoia seems to be a trait of the Mom but what exactly are other examples of that?

"It could be a burglar, go check it out please."

Also, if I was nervous even a smidge, I wouldn't say 'please,' nor would I simply reply.

I would be frightened out of my wits! So, I suggest, to incorporate some sort of fear factor with the Mom when she thinks a burglar is the house.

Example:

Mother's eyes widened. "It could be a burglar, go check it out!"

"It could be a burglar, go check it out," Mother said in a shrill tone.

I hear the vibrations of footsteps approach, followed by Mother's voice as the door opens. "It could be a burglar! Go check it out!"

Those are very rough suggestions and you might have to play around with the sentences until you find something that satisfies you, if you choose to adjust the sentence.

I hear my dad step out of bed...footsteps...towards the door that is only a few steps away from me.

This sentence should probably be adjusted. Again, I would remove the 'three dots' and rewrite it.

I hear footsteps walking briskly towards the door and it opens.

Or something along those lines. First, the teenager is on the other side of the door, correct? So, how is she to know that it's the father walking? Does he have heavier footsteps? Even though the mother asks the father to go check if it's a burglar, who knows? It could have been the mother answering the door, if the father was dreadfully tired. We don't know as the readers, and certainly should the main character know who's opening the door. Why? Because there are no details describing the footsteps.

Another thing I'll point out. If the mother fears theirs a burglar, why is the father opening the door unarmed? Much less naked? It's human habit. Most people, I would think would quickly shove on boxers or shorts before tangling with a stranger.

And no person would open a door unarmed if there was a chance of danger.
Think of it this way. If you decide to rewrite the father/daughter confrontation, when the door to their bedroom first opens up, if the father is armed, you'll end up with a nice action scene since the teenager is armed as well.

There is a slurping sound and a spray of silhouette blood as I pull the blade out. I proceed to cut off his head. It arcs through the air and rolls down the stairs, bleeding and leaving spray art all across the walls.

Hehe. I can't tell you enough how much I love this description! Very awesome and creative!!

I am about to kill this woman...but she is beautiful. She is likely the most attractive mother in town. Her voluptuous body shines in the silver light.

Again, I feel this is unrealistic. Theoretically, if the teenager is a crazed killer and 'one day' she snapped, I'm not so sure she would be admiring her mother's body. For one, you mention the father screamed and you mention the house carries sounds very well. So, if the father has screamed, surely that would attract attention from neighbors. Also, if the girl just killed her father, do you really think she would be staring at her mother's gorgeous body? I personally would think she'd want to move in and finish the job quickly, efficiently and escape.

I run my hand across her thigh, to her genitals.

I'm just curious, but what purpose does this sentence serve in the story? Has the teenager always admired her mother's body from a distance? Or perhaps the teenager is a Lesbian? Actually, that may be the case, because you mention a very mediocre example in your following sentence below.

With the katana I cut off my clothing. I take my mothers hand in mine, still keeping the sword at her throat, and press it to my undeveloped teenage breasts...and move it down to my untainted virgin you-know-what...and push her fingers in.

All right. Now, I'm wondering if the teenager is indeed a Lesbian, a rather twisted one, after reading that quote. Either way, from a reader's prospective, I think the whole scene between naked teenager and mother is absurd. You are going off track with the story. The teenager wants to punish her parents for their sexual behavior, so why does she feel the need to strip herself and rub her mother's genitals? What purpose does it actually serve in the story?

It would be awesome if you could expand on scene between the naked mother and daughter and explain why the main character is so enthralled (if that's the right word) with private parts.

"Good-bye, my love." I whisper, and shove the blade between her legs until it comes out her chest.

The way the story starts out is that the teenager is very upset, so upset she's compelled to end her parent's life. So, why would she say, "Good-bye, my love?" She's clearly angry and frustrated and the way you've portrayed this character is that she has a short temper; she's irritable, driven and possibly insane. If anything, I would expect, swearing, yelling and possibly minor physical abuse from the teenager, just to tell her mother how disgusted she was with her parent's ongoing behavior.

Still naked. I descend the stairs. The pills. I take the pills. Everything clears up. I realize...it was my disease. What did I do.....more pills...death.

Now, may I ask what does a pill have to do with this kind of rage and kind of disease are we talking about here? Some kind of mental illness? I'm confused as the reader. I can't possibly understand what type of disease would be so powerful that a person would go on a crazed killing spree. It's very unrealistic at the moment. Actually, there are a few areas that are unrealistic that I've mentioned.

However, I'm extremely curious about this disease and the name of the drug (pill) the teenager is prescribed too and what does her illness entail? There are endless options here but it will more than likely require some research about medical terms. You could invent your own disease and drug.

If you do this, I highly suggest researching and explain the teenager's disease/illness in such a way that readers will believe what is written. So, when the teenager climbs the stairs to her targets, the readers will know why she's doing this and more importantly how the disease affects the teenager mentally.
Keep working hard and I hope you continue with this story. I believe you can turn it around and make it more interesting, chaotic but as well believable.

Like I mentioned before, this story brought me back to my horror writing days and now I miss it, lol. So, kudos to you for reminding me how fun horror stories are to write.

Have a nice day/night!
-fishr

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