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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

The Ashes 2.1

by elysian


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

A Note: So, I've changed some things since the last chapter. Jeff didn't die in the house, he decided to leave with his family. I'm pretty sure that's all I changed. Also, comments on the title? Does it fit or should I change it again? thanks for looking at this! :-) 

EDIT: Finally posted the new parts of this chapter, edited! Still rough draft, just re-wrote what I had before! It stops in an awkward place, I just broke it up, so it wasn't as intimidating ;-)

--

A gas leak. All the news stations gossiped about the horrible accident that happened last night, and how it was lucky that the family had moved out of the house hours before. They debated over whether it was an accident or if the family had planned for it to happen. Jae said that I could go home today if Jeff and his family got to the white house in the morning, so I was just watching the news and making a cup of coffee. I felt like everything went over well yesterday, and I was glad for this new promotion. I was unsure at first, but I realized that I needed to do something different, but similar, and this was it. It was refreshing, and it came with such a rush, I craved it.

The coffee burnt my throat as I sucked it down, looking at the animals in the oak tree by the window. I watched as a bird played with it’s mate, chirping happily. I felt a whole in my stomach, loneliness taking over. I had never really bothered trying to date, it wasn’t something I had in my schedule. All the girls looked the same to me. I mean, I had those stupid immature relationships in school, but nothing more outside of that. Although I don’t like to admit it, I was lonely. Being alone all the time took a toll on you, but it also makes you stronger. Those birds won’t always be happy, they’ll get tired of the other, and they’ll go their separate ways. And when they don’t have the other to lean on they won’t know what to do with themselves. I wouldn’t be one of those birds.

A shrill noise filled the room and made me drop my coffee mug. “Shit,” I said under my breath, running to grab my phone. “Hello?”

“Garrett hi. Family here, you come.” Jae spoke, his tone neutral.

“Sure thing, boss.” I answered quickly. I looked at the mess on the floor and bit my lip.

“Driver be there in twenty minutes,” Jae hung up, and I shook my head. I quickly cleaned the mess on the floor and grabbed what little I had brought with me. The driver was there exactly when Jae said he would be, and for that I was grateful, I was a little home sick.

---

After three months of carrying out the law, you’d think I’d get bored of the fire. But it was quite the opposite, every time I burned another house I felt more and more excited for the next time it would happen. My 37th house was today, and I quickly wrote another tally in the notebook I carry with me on the job after it was burned. I tried different methods of starting the fire, just to keep it interesting. The only time that the accused had decided to burn with the home was an old couple that didn’t want to be apart of this “corrupt” world anymore, so they gladly volunteered to die with the house and their books. I was a little shocked after they had said that, since everyone usually went with their family to be tried, but this old couple did not. I quickly got over it, they probably would’ve died from old age soon anyway.

I knew I would need to go to the market today. Because this was such a small city, Jae wanted me to make sure they weren’t going to figure out what was really going on. Bigger cities don’t really care about these “accidents” because, more than likely, they never knew the person. But in smaller cities, everyone knew everyone, it seemed. I told the driver to pick me up in two hours, so that he could take a break from driving me everywhere.

Bright, vibrant colors filled the vendor's baskets, and I quickly bought an apple to hold me over. I walked, eating the tender apple while looking at food and people as I walked by them. There was a family buying strawberries, the parents were digging out money as their two children seemed bored out of their mind. Next to them was a man, maybe in his twenties, smoking a cigarette. On the corner of the street there was an old man, begging for money to help feed the small girl next to him, and a petite woman talking to them. I walked over to the man, digging some money I had leftover in my pocket out. The woman’s voice drifted through the wind towards me, her southern accent talking quietly to the child, “I hope that this money will help you with your food, little Samara. I’ll be back again soon.”

She then looked up at the man, who was looking at me. She turned and I tore my eyes from her, trying to not let her know I had been staring, but I wanted to see the face that matched the voice, so I glanced up and found myself speechless and foolish. She was beautiful, more beautiful than I had ever seen. She wasn’t the type of beautiful that would make her a model or actress, but in such simple ways, she’s was absolutely breath-taking.

I finally looked towards the man and the child, “Hello, would you like to spend a night in my home?” I had noticed the girl was shivering from the cool breeze that whispered of fall, and I figured that the best way for me to help them. The woman next to me raised her eyebrow, and I pretended I didn’t know she was looking at me.

“Would you do that for us, kind sir?” the old man rumbled. I noticed he only had about five teeth and he looked like he hadn’t had a day of sleep in years. Age had taken him on, and he looked to be in his late 60s, but the child had similar features such as his brown eyes and the way his nose was angled, so I assumed it was his niece or granddaughter, and I wondered if she had lost her parents before she knew them.

“Of course, although I don’t know how much longer I am staying here, I’m here on business.” I said firmly, I didn’t want to put false hope into him in case I would only be able to offer him one night.

“You’re not the only one, it seems.” the women finally chimed in. The three of us looked at the woman, wondering what she had meant. She sighed, “I’ve heard rumors about another house being burned,” the man sighed, shaking his head. I held my breath, hoping they didn’t see my sudden change in my mood.

“Yeah, it’s horrible,” I said, hoping to distract them from the fact that I was in town on business, as If I had always been apart of the civilization in the town. I stood awkwardly, my hands in my pockets, my shoulders up, and my head down. I looked up to see the girl looking away from me, and wondered what she had been looking for in me, and if she found it.

The old man smiled, “Why don’t you invite this young lady over for dinner?”

He had noticed our glances, and I the awkward tension grew between us.

“Uh-” I started.

“I have plans, but thank you.” She looked down and smiled. The awkward silence between us thickened in the air for minutes that felt as if they were years until the small child’s high pitched voice chimed.

“Daddy, what is that pretty lady’s name?” She whispered in a way only a child could, quieter than what I was guessing her normal voice would be, but loud enough that everyone around could hear.

The woman laughed, her cheeks turning a faint hue of pink, “Audrey, sweetie. And what is your name?” she leaned over smiling, looking into the child’s eyes.

“Aysia,” she said in a tiny voice, nervous because the woman--Audrey--heard her conversation with her dad.

“It’s very nice to meet you Asya,” she smiled once more into Aysa’s eyes and then slowly returned to her normal stance. Aysa smiled, and soon tore her eyes from Audrey to look at me expectantly, smiling.

“Hello Aysa, my name is Mason,” I smiled, using all my willpower not to look and see if Audrey was watching me. Asya smiled back at me, forgetting about everything around her as she learned of two new people’s names. I stood back up, and quickly stole a glance at Audrey, to see her turning away from my face to the man, smiling.

“You’re all set then?” she asked him while digging in her wallet. Without waiting for an answer she turned to me and handed me a fifty dollar bill, “Get them a real meal, take them home, house them as long as possible. I try to help them whenever I can, but I don’t have all the capabilities to.” She gave me a long look, trying to make sure what she had said settled in. I nodded, and turned towards Asya and her father.

“Let’s go get some warm food guys,” they stood up smiling, and I reached out to shake the man’s hand, “I don’t believe I caught your name?” I questioned him, knowing he knew my name.

He smiled, “Mershon, thank you very much for everything you’re doing for us. Even if we can’t stay but one night in your home, it’s better than sleeping in the streets. I think I can speak for both Aysa and I that we are grateful.”

“Of course, I’m happy I could help. Where would you guys like to eat?” I asked, walking down the street.

“I don’t really know, we don’t always get treated to such an opportunity.” The man chuckled, thinking. I quickly swept up and down the street, looking at what would be the fanciest restaurant that I could afford to take them to. A red sign hung in front of a white building with some fancy french name. I was about to ask if they liked french food, but bit my tongue, realizing they probably had never eaten there.

“How about there?” I said, pointing towards the restaurant. The man stared in disbelief, and I wondered if he had french food before, and was offended I had offered. “Uh, I mean, if you don’t want to go to that one, that’s fine. We could find somewhere better if you want to,” I said, scratching the back of my neck.

“Really? You can afford to take us there? I’ve never set foot inside it before! I bet the food is delicious! Aysia, would you like to go to that fancy restaurant?” Aysa giggled and nodded, both of them giddy that they got to eat some real food. It was honestly sad that they saw this as something so luxurious, where as I had this provided for me regularly.

“Then let’s go!” I said. They feeling a got as I saw how much their smiles glow was something had never experienced before. I never realized how bad some people in this country had it, injuries kept people out of business, which made people lose homes and food. I had never worried about that, Jae always keeping me in a high rank in the government.

--

(continued on part 2.2)


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Sun Dec 13, 2015 10:20 pm
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy hereee

I started this review a few weeks ago, but laziness took over me. >< Like usual, I suppose. I'm back to finishhh it. All comfortable, sitting in a coffee shop with the rain pelting the metal roof. Perfect reviewing conditions, don't you think? ;)

I'm noticing quite a bit of detail in your chapter here - everything from describing passersby on the street to the apple your character eats. Is this good? Honestly, it depends on what you're trying to achieve here. If you're going for an action packed book that keeps readers on the edge of their seat... try again. xd But what I think you're aiming for is closer to a book that's held dear to the reader's heart, that tugs at their heart strings and gives them something to feel, and see. Instead of spending time on movement (like fast action scenes), I see more time spent on building his environment, his thoughts, and so much description of the world around him - as well as particular attention to the feelings of people. I love it.

JEFF DOESN'T DIE. So happy about thattt!

Your paragraphing is suffering in this, particularly in the beginning. Remember: paragraph lengths don't matter. All that counts is that they're distinct ideas in themselves, and don't mix over. So one paragraph is one idea - period. As an example, I'll point out the first paragraph where I saw you used at least two separate ideas.

They debated over whether it was an accident or if the family had planned for it to happen. Jae said that I could go home today if Jeff and


So your paragraph should be split happen. (new paragraph) Jae said that I could.... So it should be right there, because in the first part you're talking about the gas leak... and then the next sentence concerns what his boss said. It was a little bit of a lurch at that point, so keep that in mind. Always watch out where your paragraphs end, because they keep readers on track. Also, don't mind how long or short they are! It doesn't matter, and really, if you're splitting them where the idea ends... they'll vary in length instead of each looking like a carbon copy of the previous.

I quickly cleaned


I've noticed your character does a lot of stuff quickly. Meh. The word 'quickly' should be shot by a firing squad. Don't use ittt. In most cases, it's unneeded... and in the places where you do need a verb with a bit more haste to it, find a stronger verb! Don't rely on that adverb.

I'll admit I was confused by the beginning. My interpretation of the first parts of the chapter is that Jeff said he could now go home - had the promotion, and so is no longer going to be burning houses. Then he gets another house in the area to burn? I know I probably read it wrong, but whatever the case, you need to make it easier to interpret. Look at it again and see if you can make it easier for us simpletons to understand, yes?

Bright, vibrant colors filled the vendor's baskets


Nope. There are no colors in their baskets - only wares to sell that have color. So 'bright, vibrant' is fine, as it describes wonderfully what the vendors are selling, but replace colors with a different word that describes their wares with more accuracy. xd

She turned and I tore my eyes from her


Nothing in the chapter before this indicates he was staring at her. We hear her voice and her Southern Accent, and also learn she's petite. But if he were staring at her, wouldn't we have more of a description by that point?

She wasn’t the type of beautiful that would make her a model or actress, but in such simple ways, she’s was absolutely breath-taking.


Simple ways? Whaaa? This doesn't work. You're telling us that she's beautiful and breath-taking, but I'm not seeing it. You need to show us this... and then tell us your character's opinion on her looks (although even in third person, a description can show us that).

I noticed he only had about five teeth and he looked like he hadn’t had a day of sleep in years


Show us his wrinkled forehead and heavy eyes. We can't see it when you've only told us he looked like that. You have to show it. c:

Without waiting for an answer she turned to me and handed me a fifty dollar bill,


Comma after answer and period after bill~

“Let’s go get some warm food guys,” they stood up smiling


I'm only going to show you this mistake once, and it'll be up to you to find the rest in your chapters. ;) This is two sentences - not one. Period after guys. You also need a comma after food. c:

I quickly swept up and down the street


You swept the street, eh? You need a more precise action here. Lol

They feeling a got as I saw how much their smiles glow


If your piece was in English, I'd understand it better. xDD I think it's just a typo~

There are plot-driven books and there are the character-driven kind, but I can't seem to decide which yours is. o.o You've found a wonderful balance in-between the two styles of book that captures both, and I'm loving it. Your character especially seems so confused, caught in the middle of robbing people of their homes, but at the same time housing others. I love that. xd It leaves quite a bit of character growth as we go through this, and makes your character that much more. I really like the attraction between him and whatsername, too. Your previous reviewers mentioned some things you need to be careful of in their relationship, but I think you're doing fine so far. There's always an initial attraction that starts the relationship with attractive people, and then learning about the person and growing into love from there. So I love how you've started it. And what a way to impress the girl, eh?

Keep grooving! I'll get to the next chapters as fast as I can. c:
~Darth Timmyjake




elysian says...


<3 It's going to take forever to edit this novel xD (or write the next part of chapter four >.>)

thanks bro <3



TimmyJake says...


welcome <3
And editing always takes forevehh. Lol



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Wed Nov 18, 2015 11:22 pm
Vivian wrote a review...



Hey, Viv here to review.
I'm suddenly very wary of Jae and annoyed at Mason's ignorance and blindness. Since you changed the part of the story where Jeff dies I'm going to point out that it suddenly feels like "Life is Strange" if you know what I mean. Chaos theory, coming to get you. Anyhow, I don't see much wrong, as usual this story is very well thought out, great idea, and aptly named. My only problems are, and they might have been intentional, that you spell Aysia's name differently the next few times to be "Aysa" and then back again at the ending to "Aysia". Why?
Also, here's three typoes
1. "They feeling a got" Should be "The feeling I got..."
2. "as I saw how much their smiles glow..." Glowed.
That was all. Onward to the next masterpiece. ;)




elysian says...


thank you! And, I couldn't decide on her name >.> I honestly think I misspelled it many times, and at one time she was "Samara" xD



Vivian says...


I like Aysia better. It's quite and unique and probably describes her.



elysian says...


yeah, that's what I'm keeping it as :p just gotta go through and check to make sure it's the same throughout lol



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Tue Oct 13, 2015 1:39 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello! I skimmed the previous chapters, and I'm here to take this out of the green room! :)

You have a really intriguing idea here. I'm guessing this is leaning towards dystopia or some sort of futuristic world? I'm digging it. I like the little world details like how everyone makes the same amount of money and books are illegal (I would burn alongside my 300 some books just like that old couple! :p) and that you haven't sat us down with a big info-dump about how this world works. Don't do that. Keep giving us little details and let us figure it all out ourselves :)

Technically, your writing is pretty good. You have almost a reporting sort of style - MC does this then the MC does this and this happens then the MC goes here and this happens. There are pros and cons to this sort of style, so I'm not trying to imply it's a bad thing! The writing is very clear and even though I'm coming in without a strong understanding of the opening chapters (because I just skimmed them), I didn't feel lost or confused and I was able to follow the chapter from beginning to end.

A downside to a style like this is that it lacks emotion and feeling. And again, this works for some readers, but when I read a book I want to feel something. Right now, I feel like I'm reading a list of reported facts. The characters feel like faceless bodies doing things and not like real people. So a couple of things to think about:

1. Show me the people. What I mean by that is show their emotions. You do a great job of showing the scene and what people do and what happens, so try to apply that to the individual. Think about facial expressions, actions, mannerisms, tone of voice, etc. I know this is much easier said than done. One thing you can do to work on this if this type of thing doesn't come naturally to you is to watch people. When you watch tv/movies or if you sit somewhere and people watch, pay attention to what people do and how they do it and how they talk and how they hold themselves and things like that. Then try to incorporate that into your writing. Also, don't be afraid to give us their thoughts. You have the great opportunity with first person to infuse tons of personality into the writing. I want more personality out of all of the characters, but especially the MC.

2. The dialogue. It's not bad, but I think it can be better. This goes along with showing me the people. When you people watch, you don't have to really pay attention to the content of what people are saying as much as you need to pay attention to how they say it. Where do people inflect words? What's the tone? Facial expression? Gestures? Phrases that are repeated a lot? Stuff like that. And I know this story isn't taking place in modern, contemporary US, and that's fine. This is just a way to get a feel for how people talk so you can try to incorporate that into your work.

3. This budding relationship. I agree with Blue that I liked that you added in this woman/potential love interest because it makes this MC appear to be a real human being and not just a robotic pyro. However, I think this could slow waaaaay down. I like the slow burn in romance and right now I don't see why either of them like one another. They're physically attracted to one another. Great. To me, there needs to be a much bigger connection there to warrant the types of feelings they supposedly have for one another. And they've known each other for about ten seconds, so the feelings they have for one another don't feel all that authentic to me. I want a conversation with them that shows me how they start to connect. They can have an almost kiss if you want, but I want the whole thing to be oozing with emotion and sexual tension and chemistry and right now I'm just not feeling that. This goes back to my earlier point about showing me the people.

You're doing a lot of things well, and I know the things I mentioned are much, much easier said than done! It takes a lot of practice, but I know you can do it! :D

I loooove teen fiction and I think you have a really interesting idea here so I would be happy to follow this story if you're looking for people to do so! And please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!




elysian says...


thank you for explaining yourself! Some people tell me to work on stuff and then don't explain what they mean, so thank you for that :p

I totally get where you're coming from with the whole slow down the romance thing. I kind of knew it was unrealistic, but I struggled to find a way to make it interesting without making it too interesting xD any tips?

and yes! I would love it if you followed the story, I could always use more reviewers, if you haven't noticed ;-)

thank you for the review!



Carlito says...


No problem! Glad you found it helpful.

In terms of the romance, I think it would be difficult for a reader to believe they fell in love or something after one scene together. They can definitely have a connection, but much more than that would be unrealistic (in my opinion). I would focus on the emotion and the personalities of each character. Think about why they like one another, what they see in each other, their reactions and thoughts, that type of stuff. It might feel like it's moving slowly, but to me, that's just fine. I don't want to be told people are in love or have a connection, I want to understand why that connection is there and feel it between them myself.

I'll keep any eye out for new chapters, but feel free to bug me if I miss one! :)



elysian says...


thank you!!



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Wed Sep 30, 2015 4:04 pm
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Oh, man, bro. What a way to end the chapter. Why would you do that to me?

I like that you introduced Audrey here, because it gave Garrett a more, like, human quality rather than just being a pyromaniac psycho who loves burning houses and made himself feel better about the old couple who got burned up with their house by saying they would've died from old age soon anyway. Plus he obviously knows his job is not exactly Kosher, since he wanted to tell Audrey a cleaned-up version of what he does without exactly lying. So i'ts an interesting balance right now between his job being horrible and us seeing a more human side of him as he interacts with this pretty girl.

I was a little confused by this, though:

“I bet you get paid well,” she said, her tone almost wishful. I eyed her, not sure for the first time if she was a spy or if she was who she said she was.

“Everyone gets paid the same, you know that…” I said suspiciously.

“Oh, of course. I just didn’t know if people with higher jobs than even doctors get paid more,” she shrugged.


Because that whole exchange--I mean, so do people all get paid the same or no, or is it more that people are supposed to think they all get paid the same, but actually they don't and she's kind of on to that?

I think that's all the notes I have about this for the time being.

BlueAfrica




elysian says...


So, I'm not sure if you've read my first chapter, but everyone gets paid minimum wage. Even Garrett (I'm thinking this as of now, I might change it later on, who knows lol) but I feel like Garrett does get WAYYYYY more luxuries than most people.

The reason her tony is "almost wishful" is because she wishes that she could get paid more, because she gets the same as everyone else (I'm not sure what her job is going to be yet, otherwise I probably would've mentioned it in that exchange).

I hope that clarifies ~



BluesClues says...


Okay, so...I mean...so when she says "I bet you get paid well," even though she knows everyone makes the same amount of money, is she actually talking about "you seem to get more luxuries than everyone else, even though we all get paid the same?" Because in that case I guess just reword her line so it's clear that she KNOWS everyone gets paid the same but also has noticed that Garrett is given more luxuries than most.




One is not born, but rather becomes a woman.
— Simone de Beauvoir, The Second Sex