12+ Language Violence

The Ashes 1.2

Clouds had always been something that leaves me in awe. The colors they become as the sun goes down are so beautiful, and the texture of the clouds so fluffy, almost like whipped cream. I didn’t really know much about them, the science books were brand new when I was in school, and they had little information. I always had wondered why we were allowed to have science and english books, but other books were forbidden. Then again, soon they would be offering the subject of “Yeogsa”, which seemed foreign to me. From how it was explained to me, Yeogsa was a class where they taught little children about past events that had happened. I didn’t really understand why they needed to do this, but apparently it was important.

I knew that I would be landing in the early morning, which would be here in about thirty minutes. I knew I needed to rest, but I was so intrigued by watching the clouds turn from purple. to pink, to orange. What a beautiful job it would be to be able to just float around all day, letting the sun make me change into pretty colors.

I seemed to doze off, cause we landed what only seemed like minutes later, although it was actually thirty minutes later according to my watch. I shook hands with the pilot as I walked off, thanking him for flying me. He seemed like a nice guy, blue eyes and blonde hair, with a smile that knew pain. I quickly got into the rental car the government had ordered for me, in awe with how nice it was. I drove smoothly into the town of Greenfield, noticing it was mostly farmland. This was very different than D.C, but I liked how quiet it was. It was very small, and it didn’t take long for me to get to the house that was being provided for me by the government.

outside dark green vines slowly creeped up the sides of the burgandy brick, and the sides were damp. Trees surrounded the house, secluding it from the outside world. It was definitely more eloquent than other houses I had encountered, but it wasn’t something that would seem too out of the ordinary.

Scents of pumpkin spice and apple cider permeated the house, and candles burned softly in corners of all the rooms. I slowly let my bags fall to the king sized bed in the fourth room on the left, and fell into the memory foam. I lived in an apartment half the size of this house, maybe the size of the bedroom. Working for the government did have it’s perks, but I knew that I would probably have to go out to the market and restock the food after I was done with the business.

It was around ten, the morning breeze starting to turn into a faint whisper against the sun’s rays. It was time to do some business. I got up, quickly dressing in the black clothes I was assigned to wear, with my badge in my pocket. I called a cab and told them to take me to the address Jae had provided in the folder. I tried not to read too much on the family. I knew they had done wrong, but it was better to not get too attached. I did know that my job entitled that I stayed for three days after I did the deed, and I was to make sure it was a quietly loud enforcement of law. Someone else would deliver the prisoners to Jae, unless they chose to burn with their house.

The cab stopped at an old wooden house, and I shoved some money in his shirt pocket, patting the money. “Thank you, pick me up in an hour, yes?” I waited until he nodded.

I hopped out of the cab, and watched as the cab drove away. Two little girls ran around their mother as she hung clothes on the line, and somewhere in the distance I heard a man chopping wood. They were most likely poor.

I cleared my throat, and the woman looked at me in horror. “Jeff!” she yelled. “Jeff! Hurry! They’re here!” She kept yelling. I walked towards her as her Husband ran to pull his wife and kids behind him.

“Why are you here?” He said sternly, his voice deep.

I raised my eyebrow, “I’m sure you know. You’ve broken the law. I can tell by the fear in your eyes that you are guilty. Now, let’s get to it. You can either willfully go with my friend here, or you can burn along with your house.” I crossed my arms.

The woman was crying, the little girls looking at their mother, wondering what was wrong. Jeff looked at his family, hopelessness touching his features.

“Tera, you must go with that man. Take care of the kids.” He whispered, holding her small crippled shoulders.

“No...no Jeff…” she whimpered over and over.

“I built this house, and I will go with it when it’s destroyed. Take care of the kids, sweetie. I love you.” He kissed the top of the heads of the the two children and lingered on his wife.

Tera latched onto Jeff, barely standing tall. Jeff nodded at the man standing next to me, who then tore Tera from her husband. She screamed and kicked until she had no fight left in her, finally managed to be set down, and walk slowly with her kids in each hand into the car the man had came in, not looking back at her husband or her home.

I turned my attention from Tera to Jeff in front of me, helplessly watching his family ride away. His eyes lingered on the car until it vanished in the distance, before switching to me. “I’ll burn it myself. Let me do this with my pride, please. It’s the least you bastards can do.”

I felt taken aback at his response, confused at his bravery against the government. I decided as long as the deed was done, it didn’t matter who did it. “Uh, sure.” I said hesitantly. Jeff nodded, and slowly looked at his house.

“All of this for a damn book.” he muttered. I watched as he went into his house, seeming almost like a crippled man, misery pulling him down. The minutes seemed to stretch by, and I grew wary. What if he was trying to run? I started walking towards the house, and a horrible scream filled the air around me. The house was engulfed in flames as Jeff cried in torture as he was burned to death. Dumbfounded, I watched the fires lick up all the memories of this family, and all the books they had owned.

I felt justice. I had come to fulfill the law, and I have done that. The corners of my mouth slowly turned into a smile, and then quickly faded. While I felt justice, I did not feel necessarily good. I looked away from the flames, my driver was waiting on me. I told him to wait until the flames had died down a little, and soon they did. We drove away, and I did not look back.

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Caesar
Review
Caesar wrote a review · Sat Feb 13, 2016 8:13 am

Heyo. Not soon, but I did say 'I promise', so here I am. I'd rather review things in order though, so this isn't what you linked me to.

I think I said so in the last chapter, but choose a tense and stick to it. Past and present don't mix well. Also some other minor grammatical mistakes (it's instead of its and the like), nothing major. Proofread before posting maybe, or when you edit after.

I enjoyed your description of the house the main character is staying in, especially the use of the word eloquent. Conversely, I think efficient use of description of the house he has to burn would have been more impactful.

What I mean is you tell us they were probably poor, but give us no real indication of their misery. Likewise, when the main character shows up, I couldn't really empathize with the explosion of sorrow from Jeff's family. It's hard to do that when a character has just been introduced. I also recognize that you want to show the impact the main character's job has on the populace. The impression I got as it's written now is a bit melodramatic though, because those characters are essentially strangers.

I would try different ways of portraying sorrow here (details of their body language, attempting to argue with him, and so on) until you find something that you like. Maybe you can go real deep and dedicate a lot more space to them, so I really feel the burn reading.

I'm also curious to learn more of the main character's motivations. To me, he seems very detached. I think it has to do with the terms you describe his feelings. Good and Justice are very abstract concepts, so relating to them (and therefore your character) is hard.

In the future, I would try using more human terms (and I cannot stress this enough, body language) to convey emotion, instead of dialogue and description.

Hope this helped. At some point I'll review the next installments too.

thanks! Just letting you know this is the completely raw, unedited version of my novel, so things will change in the next chapters like this scene! I decided that Jeff wouldn't die with the house, cause I agree it's too dramatic. Thanks for the review :-)

User avatar
TimmyJake
Review

Timmy hereee

I figured it would be best for both of us if I started from where I left off rather than catching the last few parts. Besides, I hate not knowing every detail in a novel. Makes me feel left out. xd

A word of advice can be summed up in a small sentence: don't describe sunsets. I get the feeling in the first part of the chapter that we've come to a stop while you describe the clouds... and I don't see a purpose for those descriptions? You drug us to a halt to describe some clouds (which doesn't add anything to the story unless you're describing a storm looming ahead). Even with you being in an airplane, the descriptions seem superfluous and unneeded for the most part, while the description of her immediate surroundings seem lacking. Also, I was in an airplane at sunset... and only saw white clouds - not the beautiful colors you describe. So unless you've been in one at sunrise and seen differently, I'd say that's incorrect?

Also, if you're going to describe clouds - do itttt. One reason why the beginning isn't as good as the rest is that you're jumping around from idea to idea without finishing one, like someone with the iPod switching songs halfway. xd Start something, finish it - move on. You can dance around a little bit if you're describing something big, like a building (as you don't take it all in at one moment), but with something like simple clouds... it'd only take one moment before you could move along, I think.

outside dark green vines slowly creeped


Capitalize outside and put a comma after the same word.

Alsooo, there's something else I'm going to talk to you about, and it's something I may have mentioned before? Adverbs. With them, you have to maintain a love-hate relationship, because they're similar to using italics. Use them when you have to, but you need to keep them seldom, if even almost a rarity. And the reason why? Because they're weak, and using them makes your writing weak because when you have them at your disposal, your verbs become weak because they use the adverbs for support. Your adverb above was slowly, which was unnecessary. Creeped did a wonderful job by itself - no adverb required. Try to lessen the adverbs you use as you write, and strengthen your verbs. Your writing as a whole will be tighter because of it, too, as well as more precise.

Okay, so I love the story you're describing here... and while the main character is somewhat nebulous to me as of now, I love Jeff. He's so awesome, and I love his bravery. I don't understand why he committed suicide, and I also don't understand why he had to burn his house down (although I'm sure in the upcoming chapters, I'll learn why), but in the short time we had his character, I loved ittt.

One thing I felt was too rushed was his death.... Like Finnick in Hunger Games, he was there one moment and gone the next. Perhaps we could linger for a few sentences longer before moving along?
~Darth Timmyjake

hahahaaaa

first, my main character is a guy xD

second, yes and yes about the first few points you made.

third, I changed what Jeff does xD He doesn't burn with his houseeee (since this is a rough draft, I didn't go back and edit yetttt)

thanks lovely <3

Ahhhh... well I did go and read the second chapter last night, and noticed that. Lol Love the change <3
you're welcomee

User avatar
BluesClues
Review

Ooooh, interesting. I think what really gets me is that we got to see something of the narrator’s personality before we saw the kind of horrendous job she (he?) has to do. Like this part:

What a beautiful job it would be to be able to just float around all day, letting the sun make me change into pretty colors.


I really liked that.

I do have a couple of notes for you, however. First of all: Is Yeogsa basically history class? It sounds like it is, but to be honest I think it would be cooler—a little eerie, really—if you just called it “history” class and we see that the character has no concept of why such a class is needed. Eerie because something that’s perfectly normal to us at the current time is seen as a “foreign concept.” Not required, just an idea. It also gels better with the fact that you’ve already mentioned science and English classes.

In this line, you use the word “eloquent,” but I think you meant “elegant.” “Eloquent” has to do with speech, so I doubt that’s what you meant when describing this house.

It was definitely more eloquent than other houses I had encountered


You did a reasonably good job about keeping things subtle with the “books are banned and you will get in serious trouble if you read them” thing, but a way to make this even better would be to not mention it at all in that opening paragraph. If the only books allowed are textbooks, that could come up during the arrest, i.e. “Pertaining to law number-whatever-section-whatever-paragraph-whatever, all but government-published/government-endorsed books are strictly banned” or something like that. You know, as the narrator is telling the family why s/he is arresting them and burning their house. Then we’d know right off the bat why textbooks are allowed but other books are not, as well as why the family is in trouble.

Finally, I thought it was odd that the father decided to stay and burn with the house because he built it. Not his reasoning—that’s fine—but he also built his family, so to speak, and I’d think they’d be more important to him than the house (even if he did build it). Plus I imagine he’d want to protect them, as I’m sure their ordeal isn’t over. If there’s a plot reason he can’t go with them, try to figure out a different way to get him out of the picture. i.e. He resists arrest and is killed before they even get the family away from the house and the fire.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!

BlueAfrica

ooooh yes! I love all the ideas you've given me! yes, I did mean elegant (autocorrect), and I will definitely be editing some of the things you mentioned out and into my chapter!

Thanks ~

You're very welcome.

User avatar
kathryn
Review
kathryn wrote a review · Fri Sep 18, 2015 5:14 am

This second part is good. There weren't any major errors that I could see. There was one paragraph where you forgot to capitalize the first letter. I like your descriptions of the clouds and then how he wishes he could have the easy job of just floating there with the sun making him change colors. There are still parts of this that feel like Fahrenheit 451 but you've added in your own twists which is good. I can't wait for the next update. Keep up the good work!



Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
— Sir James Dewar, Scientist