[s]This is the first part of the Prologue of my story, and the rest should be up shortly.[/s] I have my entire prologue up now. I'm going to set up this book a bit differently, as in I'm going to not only switch perspectives between chapters, but time also. I'm thinking this'll work out all right and I hope it's entertaining as well. I don't have very much detail in this post... but I'll work on it in my edits. Thanks for reading!
___
The girl gently drifted to the ground and knelt down in the grass, burying her face in her hands as emotion finally took hold of her. Tears prickled her eyes and the skin beneath her fingers burned. She had never before felt so completely alone as she did now.
She had been told by her mentor that this was one thing that only she could do. This was one thing he couldn't help her with or repair if she failed. Everything the Faeries had worked for would be undone. If she failed, that is. She didn't understand why everything had to fall on her now of all times.
The Power Mark on her forehead suddenly turned blissfully cool against her heated face, calming her emotions and allowing her to sort out her thoughts. Now wasn't the time to allow her feelings to take control. She knew what it was that she had to do in order to find him. She had to try and track him.
Taking a breath to steady herself and lay down on her back, allowing her eyes to slip closed. Her black cloak spread across the ground to reveal her translucent diamond-shaped wings. She became conscious of her chest slowly rising and falling and felt her heart-rate decrease as she relaxed. Her thoughts slowly faded and she allowed her senses to drift from her form. They continued to spread outward until she was no longer aware of the sensations in her body. She felt her spirit drift forward lazily and she reinforced her connection to her body to ensure she didn't split from it perminently. She reached over the presence of the animals and Faeries around her, seeking out her brother's Power.
She couldn't find anything.
She was about to pull back when something that seemed somehow familiar flickered at the corner of her reach. Her consciousness closed in on it, attempting to identify what it was. Suddenly, it sparked once more, flowing into the connection and flooding her head with fragments of sights, sounds and tastes that she couldn't sort out as they overwhelmed her. Next came a stream of words that were so clear that it was as if someone were speaking them into her ear.
The Moon will shine
once again
and will reflect the Light.
Her Light will glow
through the Dark
and will cleanse the Power again.
The Darkness will try to make her dim
and find a way veil the Sun,
but she will protect it with all she is
and in turn will never wane.
“What?” the girl whispered, frowning as she returned to her body.
She opened her eyes and sat up, troubled by what she had found. It was always a possibility that her mentor had transferred that to her, but for what reason? He didn't typically speak to her in riddles, let alone in verse, though she was never quite sure what he was up to.
Or had she seen into the future?
It seemed far too unrealistic and the very idea of it made her want to laugh, but she had been told that it was a possibility to do so by accident, since there was no way of mastering it. But if she had, what did it mean? Was it her own future?
The girl brushed the stray strands of coal-colored hair out from in front of her face and placed a finger to her silver Power Mark to find that it had returned to the temperature of the rest of her skin.
She stood up and looked back at the white marbled wall of the palace which stood less than a mile away, her heart sinking low in her chest. Her brother was still missing and the only way she knew of finding him had failed. The only thing she could do now was wait.
Her wings quivered slightly and caught the gentle breeze, slowly lifting her into the air and toward the towering building ahead. She was nearing the massive whitewashed doors when something brushed against her consciousness. She flinched, her flight wavering for a moment.
“Oh-”
Her words turned into a choked gurgle when she was swept over by the same sensation as before. Only this time, she didn't control the connection.
Her eyes remained fixed on the palace before her, but she could no longer see it. Darkness cloaked her sight, its inky-black embrace tugging her from her body. The flicker of flames surrounded her, revealing the silhouettes of what appeared to be Faeries, their wings glowing with the light that illuminated them.
She will have the chance
to repair it all.
The figures all raised their arms, their Power Marks shining with the colors of their Type.
Undo the mistakes
made long, long ago.
The glorious colors of the Power Marks slowly faded, transforming into a horrible black more deep than anything she had ever seen. They spread across the arms of the Faeries and down over their bodies until they were nothing but darkness.
But whether it is done
by death or Power
is to be her choice,
and shall change everything
forever.
As quickly as it had started, her vision ended. She was thrust back into her body and her sight cleared. Her leg and back ached and she was staring at an expanse of blue. The sky?
She twisted her head to the side with a wince of pain and saw the palace only a few meters away. She had fallen to the ground, her wings useless when she no longer consciously controlled them. The girl pushed herself up gingerly and saw that her left leg was twisted uncomfortably under the other. She tried to move it back into place, but only succeeding in sending a stab of pain through it. She let herself fall back again with a groan.
She thought about what had just happened with a shiver. Her mind had been overcome so quickly by the force of whatever had just happened, and she now knew for sure that it hadn't been something transferred to her. She'd seen into the future.
“Are you hurt?” a crisp female voice asked from nearby.
She looked up to see a younger girl flying over, a shocked look on her face. It was Martha, her assigned healer. In other words, Martha was there to make sure she didn't get herself killed.
“How does Martha always find me?” she muttered to herself, placing a hand over her eyes.
“Don't worry, I'll fix your leg lickety-split,” Martha said cheerily.
Martha placed her hands on the girl's injured leg and immediately the pain faded. She looked down to see that Martha had already managed to put her leg back in place and was now mending the bone, her hands glowing with a white light.
She is already very skilled in her Power, she thought, removing her hand from her face and pushing herself up.
Martha stood and held out a hand to help her up. She took the younger girl's hand and stood as well, experimentally placing weight on her mended leg. It worked as if it hadn't been injured in the first place. She looked up to give Martha a smile, but saw that there was a nervous expression on her face.
“What's wrong, Martha?” she asked in a low voice.
“We found your brother,” Martha said quietly, refusing to meet her gaze.
Her heart flooded with hope for a moment before realizing that something wasn't right.
“Is he okay?” she asked, her eyes wide with fear. “Did he get hurt?”
“No,” Martha shook her head slowly and looked up at her with deep, mournful blue eyes. “But something else has happened."
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And... perspective switch! I think that her perspective will be switched to again in chapter two, though. Please review! I know it took me a while... but that's just because I'm a slow writer, not because I did much editing
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
This is new. Usually each chapter gets a new thread. Ah well, glad you let me know this was up!
1- I fixed a couple of spelling mistakes in this. Corrections are found in bold.
2- You don't really show us how the librarian is rather odd-looking. In fact, if somebody gave me this description of a woman, I'd think of her as commandingly beautiful, not odd. Give us some more quirks about her appearance so you don't even need to tell us she's odd looking; you show us.
3- I got really lost reading this. In the last couple of lines "her" changes who it's standing in for, from the Faerie to Sylvia.
This sentence really feels too flowery for its own good. You're using allusions (ie- refrences) to fire that we don't have a reason for. One allusion at a time is enough.
I'd rewrite this: Sylvia thought nervously, the burning presence of the pile of fallen books behind her becoming agonizing as her cheeks reddened.
Always put thoughts in italics.
How does the librarian know Sylvia's last name?
After the prologue- This was a letdown. Why? Because we have no real tie-in from the prologue to the first chapter. To use Eragon as an example:
In the prologue, we see the villain ambush a woman in the forest. At the end, the woman takes something out of a pouch and makes it vanish right before she gets magically knocked out by the villain. In chapter 1, Eragon was out hunting when a stone appears in the clearing he's in. Instant tie in. Later on in the book, he starts to see a woman in his dreams. It's the same woman who was seen in the prologue. That's another tie in.
As of right now, there is nothing to continue the plot of the prologue. That makes me want to stop reading or I get so out of the story that when the prologue does tie in I won't be that interested. A case of "too little, too late."
Description- Had you not told us about the librarian, I would not have known this was a library. Put some mentions of other bookshelves in, perhaps the smell of old books, how odd the now empty bookcase looks beside full ones, ect.
Characters- The librarian seems rather... strange to me. How could she go from being mad about the fallen books to disconcerned about them? And Sylvia feels, incomplete I guess. We get her basic emotions, but we need more. Is she creeped out by the librarian's stare? What is she thinking at any given moment? Put some deeper emotions into this bit.
Overall- If this were a stand-alone thing without any prologue I think it would have been better, just because the prologue and first chapter feel detached. You had such a nice story going in the prologue and then nothing.
If you have any questions, drop me a line.
~Rosey
Okay, now here's the first part of the first chapter. Much of it was written before, so it could use a lot of work and any suggestions for improvement would be greatly appreciated! In this chapter it switches to the perspective of the main character of the trilogy, so here it is!
Chapter 1:
Sylvia's mouth hung open wide in shock. A large pile of books lay beside her, some having fallen open at odd angles from having tumbled down from their place. Sylvia pulled her hand away from doorknob that was drilled into the wood of the now nearly-empty bookshelf. She took a step back and bit her lip, her brain racing for a solution.
“Whose bright idea was it to put a doorknob in a bookshelf anyway?” Sylvia muttered bitterly.
“What happened here?”
Sylvia spun around and found herself facing a female Faerie. She was rather old-looking, her blonde hair streaked with silver and wrinkles along her eyes. Sylvia was several inches taller than her, but her commanding presence made up fof any lack of hight. Her rounded wings cut gracefully through the back of her blouse, unscarred and perfect. They were much more stunning than her own, which were still small and had yet to straighten out and take on a shape.
She must be the librarian, Sylvia thought nervously, the burning presence of the pile of fallen books behind her becoming agonizing as heat flashed across her complexion.
“I just re-stacked all of those,” the Faerie said, her voice containing little readable emotion.
Neither of them moved. The woman stared deeply into Sylvia's face, her brown eyes seeming to glow as time edged by. The skin around Sylvia's hairline began to itch, but Sylvia found that she was held immobile by the woman's gaze. Her heart began to beat increasingly fast and her stomach lurched unpleasantly with apprehension.
After an opressive length of silence. the Faerie straightened up, lifting her chin slightly. Sylvia broke the stare and looked at an unoccupied shelf beside her, her eyes falling upon the enticing doorknob that was drilled into the wood. She felt the woman's eyes on her, but refused to look at her again.
“No matter,” the Faerie's voice cut through the air fiercely, making Sylvia jump. “'A tree fallen in the woods burns no less brightly than one which remains standing.'”
Sylvia suddenly looked into the woman's face, surprised at how dismissive she was about the fallen books. The Faerie drifted over and placed her hand on the doorknob, easily pulling aside the bookshelf. Sylvia winced, expecting the remainder of the books to drop onto the pile as well, but they all stayed in place.
Why did they all fall when I tried to open it? She wondered, her mouth falling open slightly in amazement.
“Don't dally, Miss Ketron,” the woman said sharply, shattering Sylvia's thoughts. “The sooner you come in, the sooner you can pick up all these books.”
To me, I seem to think "She had been told by her mentor that this was something that only she could do." I dunno, that's maybe just me...
- - -
Maybe: "Taking a breath to steady herself, she lay down on her back allowing her eyes to slip closed."
- - -
Be more specific with this. What continued to spread outward? Her wings or her thoughts? Justify what you're talking about, please.
- - -
I think here a dash thingy belongs (I forget what it's called!) "The glorious colours of the Power Marks slowly faded, transforming into a horrible black-- more deep than anything she had ever seen. ( a semi-colon could work too, I think.)
- - -
OVERALL IMPRESSIONS:
Well, to tell the truth, I liked this. In all honesty I liked the idea that it's not a vampire or a werewolf or something. It's faeries. I'm going to keep an eye on this one. It seems good. So, pm me when the next chappy is posted.
A few grammatical errors I picked, up, but not nearly as much as the others. It was good, and I think that the chapters will get even better.
To me, this is true fantasy.
- - -
LaReina!
Back for more! Glad to see you've fixed up some issues that were pointed out.
This line of dialogue doesn't really have a place. Nix or expand.
Didn't or couldn't? Didn't means she had some control over what she was doing/thinking, while couldn't means she was totally overwhelmed. Since it seems she was overwhelmed, I'd use "couldn't."
"In other words" phrases in prose snap me right out of the story. It's telling in it's worst form because you are shouting to the reader: this is what I mean.
Power- You've explained some of it, but a little more could be woven through the story. Maybe interchange it with the word "magic" to make things clearer to us.
The girl- Since you're consistent it doesn't bug me as much, but usually I don't like having the MC (or any other character) referred to as "the _____." But it's not that bad since we only know her by that term.
Overall- Amazingly, you have managed to turn an exilent hook into an even better one! Please let me know when more is up!
If ye have any questions, PM me.
~Rosey
Thanks to everyone for reading and critiquing the first part of my prologue!
I have now put up the second half and am working on Chapter 1.
Thanks again!
-Lydia
Ohh, faeries! I love them.
This line confused me slightly. What I can glean from this is the faeries have worked hard at something, and she's about to unravel it all to find her brother? To fix it, I'd break this up into at least two sentences, or if you can find a way to rearrange it that would work.
Lovely prophesy, other then the last two lines here. The first and third line link together well, but the second and fourth do not. Replace "fade" with another synonem to make it flow better.
Teaser- As a teaser (or prologue, whatever you want to call it) I found this worked really well. It's better then simply putting the poem at the front because you've added in a personal element to it. We get the impression she is the "her" in the poem, but their isn't enough that it gives it all away. It's also what makes me want to read more!
Tracking- Hmm, I think you could add a little more of what she feels when she no longer feels her body. Between these two lines:
You could stand to put what she reaches over to find her brother's Power. Like any currents in the earth, other faeries, the presence of animals, ect.
Overall- A very good job! I really like the idea of this; not something I see often.
Please let me know when more is up, and if you have any questions about this, feel free to PM me.
~Rosey
Hey! I'm El. I liked your piece. It flowed well, and I always understood what was happening.
This is a good start for a few reasons. It drops the reader into the middle of something that is happening. It doesn't reveal everything instantly so the reader is (hopefully) intrigued enough to continue). It uses description to show she is sad, especially use of senses ("prickled" and "burned"), rather than just saying it.
However ... well I don't know. Maybe it's just the crying thing. She's so hopelessly upset and obviously we should all sympathise with her immediately ... but it just didn't quite work for me. Maybe I'm just a horrible person and don't have a heart. I don't know. I would probably find it more interesting if she was being a bit more proactive from the start. Or not ... well ... falling to the ground out of Sheer Emotion. You know? I suppose I tend to sympathise with people based more on what they're going through than how they react to it. But ... that seems to be just me. Other people like the start ... so ... yeah. I wasn't much use on that one.
That piqued my interest a bit. More so than the crying.
Like in the first paragraph, I like your use of touch rather than just sight to describe. "Blissfully cool" and "heated face". It gives a clear picture in a short time. And ...
... I'm afraid I'm going to disagree with foxfire on this one. Less is more. I like the level of description you have. And anyway, when it comes to fantasy-peoples and physical descriptions, I find that readers are quite happy filling in any blanks themselves.
Ditch the "however". It doesn't add anything, it just stops the flow of the sentence.
Is this, by any chance, a prophecy? It's fine if it is. Nothing wrong with prophecies. Nothing at all. Well. Nothing much. The trouble with prophecies is that they can be, unless closely monitored, cliched. You know all those vague prophecies that show up in fantasy books? The ones that don't make sense until it's all over, don't help anyone at all, and basically weren't worth being said? They're a bit of a plague.
However! They can be good too. If people misunderstand them, if hearing it is the thing that determines it actually unfolds (bit like Harry Potter). I mean, it's not like that isn't done (but, really, what isn't?) but it's far more interesting than your basic Vague and Mysterious Prophecy.
Anyway, if it's not a prophecy, don't worry about that.
In a somewhat similar vein there's "the Power". I understand you have to have a name of sorts for your magic. There has to be some way of referring to it, or it's just confusing. But capitalising Power is just a bit ... done. There's no reason you can't call your magic "the Power". Absolutely none. You have every right to call it "the Power". But, if it were me, I would wave that right.
(from Lava's critique)
I don't know about cliched ... but it does seem a little pretentious. Depends on why you spell it like that though. If you just think it looks prettier ... yeah ... might want to lose that one. But if you grew up spelling it like that, or it fits with mythology or something, I'm not going to tell you to change it.
Now ... I notice you didn't use names. The fairy is always "she", her mentor is just "her mentor", and her brother is always "her brother". You said this is just the prologue, so maybe these characters aren't main characters in the rest of the story? Or you're concealing their names for ... reasons? To surprise people later perhaps? Well ... whatever you intend ... right here and now the no names things is a bit annoying. I mean, maybe if the mentor is not going to be important again you could get away with not naming him, but surely the fairy girl would use her brother's name when thinking about him? So unless there's a good reason for it, I'd consider identifying them a bit more specifically.
Anyway. Thats all I've got I think. I hope I've helped, and I hope you continue. You've got some good stuff there.
HI!!
)
First of all, I love the idea of switching times and perspectives. It's really nice. I hope it turns out to be a really good story.
It's a really good start, I want to read the rest of it.
My nitpicks (These are my opinions, you don't have to follow them
1. The shift from her sadness to relaxation is a little too swift for me. But I guess it's fine for a fairy with the Power and all that.
2.
I'd prefer She knew what it was that she had to do in order to find him. I don't if both are right or not, do clarify.
3.Another thig, it's kind of become cliched to use 'faerie'
I guess that's it. BTW, I love your description of the wings and the verses. Beautiful Please post the rest soon.
~Lava
okay my comment to thsi story is that the first part where she is crying is still a blur. the reader does not know why she is crying unless youa re trying to give the reader suspense by unlocking teh reason on why she is reading in the later parts.
also you need is to give some descriptions on the character. If she is a fairy, you should give more description except for the point that she has wings.
and may i suggest that when trying to change the mood in a part fo a story, try put some mood on it by adding a few descriptions. take one description from a sad expression then slowly change it to a good expression.
Okay at first I thought it was going to be about some physic or something, but I think what I read was better than what I expected.
Anyways I liked how at first she was all sad and breaking down and crying I'm mean you never really see one of the main characters breaking down and crying!
The story at first was a bit confusing, but that's only because. . .
1. We have no idea why she's crying, but that's okay it makes me want to read even more.
2. She was like all crying and then she started thanking about fairies.
She lay down on her back and allowed her eyes to slip closed, her black cloak spreading across the ground to reveal her translucent diamond-shaped wings.
I like how you describe her wings. I mean anything that has a person with wings is always going to be interesting. Anyways is she a fairy? I know to some people it may seem obvious, but normally you don't see fairies with diamond shaped wings. But if she is then keep her wings that way, because they seem cool.
Anyways I loved this story! Please! Please! Please! Keep writing!!!