A Different Kind Of Home Prologue

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So I'll stop writing Destiny for the time being, and start on something else. But do not fret, I'll contnue it sometime in the near future!

It started at noon, the eruptions. The ground was torn apart, roads split amd large gaping ravines were created as the ground tore itself apart, like this earth was splitting itself in two. Tremors rocked the whole planet, houses were wrecked and skyscrapers tumbled one after another like dominos. What came after was the magma. Yes, you read it right, magma. It surfaced from the ravines, slowly at first but then rising towards the surface with such speed it flew high into the air and spread across the land. Everything standing in it's path was disintegrated. It was a scene from hell, but I was one of the lucky ones.

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My dad worked for some pretty important people, people who had power to commandeer others with a single hand gesture and the power to make your life a living hell if they wanted. A few days before the actual eruption, there were rumors circulating around the government that there was to be natural disaster happening in a few days, and not any ordinary one either. But they were only rumors, and no one believes rumors. A day later, my father arrived home from work much too early. He was sweating in his suit even though it was pouring outside. The look on his face told me something was very wrong, my father was usually a very calm man and little could scare him, but this was one of the times I looked at him and saw fear emitted from his eyes.

He told us to pack everything we wanted to keep, and leave the rest here. The rest of us questioned him, but he gave no answers, only shaking his head in reply. We were given an hour to pack, and I took my most valuable belongings, including a family photo and my laptop. I left the rest as it was, and somehow wishing I could bring my bed along. My father remained anxious, he kept pacing up and down, fingers crossed nervously the whole time. He kept muttering something to himself, but I couldn't hear what is was, neither did I bother. Up till now I had never moved away from this house, and I was planning to stay here till my death. Things change suddenly when you least expect it, and you don't have much of a choice then.

A sleek limousine pulled up at our doorstep an hour later. We loaded our belongings into the trunk and set off. We kept quiet the entire journey, not knowing what to say. It was a terrible silence in our family which was usually full of life. My two sisters were weeping softly in the backseat. We all knew a disaster would arrive soon, strike the whole planet, and that not everyone would be saved. Our relatives and friends would perish along with whatever remained. It was a thought that crippled my mind and soon I found myself tearing.

We drove not to the airport but a deserted airfield miles away from civilization. There was a shuttle awaiting our arrival. It wasn't those huge space shuttles that were sent to space for missions. Instead it was about half the height and there's weren't any engineers around to ready the shuttle for flight. My dad rushed us into the shuttle but stayed outside to make a phone call. Meanwhile I explored the interior of what would be our new home for a day or so. It was pretty simple, a few beds that were attached to the shuttle itself. And a loo of course. Upon going further inside, I discovered the control room that occupied a large part of the shuttle. Dials and displays littered the panels and there were buttons and levers I couldn't make sense of. My dad stepped in behind me, he didn't bother to acknowledge my presence but instead told me to go and lay down in one of the beds. I wanted to stay there with him, knowing how he was feeling at that time, but I did as told.

My mum and two sisters had already quietly settled into their own beds and were staring blankly at the ceiling, lost in their own thoughts. I could see tears streaming down mum's face, and my heart was wrenched apart. Just this morning we were chatting over breakfast about our plans for the next school break, but now our lives were being torn apart bit by bit, and each piece was being shred into even smaller pieces. There was a gaping hole in my life that I desperately wanted to fill. I wanted to see my friends and relatives for one last time. I wanted to tell them I loved them, and that I should have treasured them more. But you only miss things when they're gone.

I slid into my own bed quietly, back facing up, expecting the shuttle to begin moving any moment. My dad worked at some space research center that was under the government. It was unknown to most people but for years the government of each country had been preparing for an event like this, a natural disaster that would affect the entire world. They had been monitoring the earth for years, at first the signs were minor and ignored, but then the temperature of the earth rose at an alarming pace. For months the earth got warmer, and many people died of dehydration. What was worse was that the earth's core was expanding outwards, meaning the magma deep underground was slowly making it's way to the surface. It was at that point that plans were made, and a few selected people were tasked with devising a plan to get certain people to safety. It was cruel to leave so many others behind, but for fear of causing wide spread panic and have people fighting just to save themselves, only those working in private sectors and their families had a chance of survival.

My father had been a valuable asset to his bosses, and they knew they needed him. So our family got saved, while others were left to burn to nothing. The shuttle was shaking now, quite violently too. I supposed the engines had been started and my father would soon join us once again. My dad had made sure to impart to me some knowledge of how spacecrafts worked and how gravity worked in outer space. He had sat me down one day and gone through a whole lot of stuff I didn't understand at that point. Now however, this information was proving to be pretty useful in such a situation. I knew for example, that we would pass out soon once the shuttle had reached the outer atmosphere of space, and that we would begin floating above our beds once that happened.

I had no time for further thoughts as my father joined us and lay in the last bed available. I wondered what had happened to the limo driver, and I guessed he was not coming with us. As the engines roared to life, the shuttle was lifted from the ground and I felt an immense pressure on my back, at first it was bearable, but then it felt like a stampede of elephants were tramping on me.

Shit, I forgot one of the things my father had reminded me of.

It hurt like hell.

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User avatar
beckiw
Review
beckiw wrote a review · Sat Feb 02, 2013 10:46 pm

Hey Lycando! :)

So let's get down to it.

There's nothing particularly wrong with your writing. It flows quite nicely and is well written...I was just left a little cold. I kept feeling like I was missing some vitally important ingredient when reading this.

It felt like it was supposed to be this emotionally wrenching opening, that I was supposed to feel suspense at what was happening but I just felt nothing really. I didn't feel the emotion the main character was trying to project on me and I didn't feel an imminent fear for the situation. Like I knew they were running from the magma and it was supposed to be tense but I just didn't feel it.

I think the part of the problem is that I wasn't experiencing the situation through the main character, I was being told the experience by the main character. So at every turn I was being told what had happened and what this meant and what everyone was feeling but I wasn't allowed to experience it myself and decide for myself. Basically there is a disconnect between what you're saying is happening and what the reader is feeling.

I think sometimes this is where Prologues come on iffy ground because you're trying to introduce a concept, a world, to the reader so they get acquainted with it but too often Prologues just turn into a massive tell fest or an info dump.

I think it would be much more impacting as an opening if you just dropped us right in the middle of it. In the middle of the magma coming and their race against time. Show us the dialogue, show us what is happening, put us right there in the middle of it...not off to the side seeing it happen in front of us and then shrugging and wandering off.

Anywho, I hope that was helpful! I do like the concept. These kind of survival/disaster genres are always interesting...and you added space...SPACE!

If you have any questions then feel free to PM me :)

Bex

x

User avatar
Kale
Review
Kale wrote a review · Thu Jan 17, 2013 6:23 am

The ground was torn apart, roads split amd large gaping ravines were created as the ground tore itself apart, like this earth was splitting itself in two.

This sentence is very redundant, in addition to having a misspelling. You repeat the ground tearing itself apart bit, and then you talk about the earth splitting. Basically, you devoted a lot of wordage to saying the same thing three times, which is a lot of wordage for one detail. Considering this is your second sentence, it really doesn't give a good initial impression of your writing in this story, so you really should work on cutting out the redundancies.

As I read through this, I noticed that your information was very inconsistent. On the one hand, you have a lot of infodumps that break the flow of action as the narrator talks about things that happened in the past, like all the information the dad had been sure to tell the narrator, and yet, there's not enough information when it's needed most, such as an explanation for why everyone else was going to die. It gets explained later, but it's a little too late for the explanation to fit into the narration, and so the pacing suffers.

Part of this has to do with how you contradict your own information. For example, you treat the information of an impending natural disaster as mere rumors, when it is a very real thing, and your narrator knows it. You also have little contradictory details like how the narrator's father did not "bother to acknowledge my presence but instead told me to go and lay down in one of the beds", even though telling the narrator to go lie down involves acknowledging the narrator's presence.

The combination of redundancy in the beginning with the contradictory information throughout this makes the information presented in this section feel haphazard, incomplete, and unreliable. I would recommend talking a closer look at all the information you need to include in this section and figuring out a more logical order to cover it in without contradictions or repetition. Weaving that information directly into the characters' actions would also help make this section read as less infodumpy and more interesting. Little restructurings like "as the shuttle shook around me, I remembered a day when my father sat me down to talk about spacecrafts and gravity and a whole lot of other stuff I still don't understand" would go a long way in making the information feel like a natural part of the story, instead of a separate entity that doesn't belong.

I'm also wondering why this is a prologue instead of a first chapter. This doesn't really feel like a prologue, since it seems to cover a lot of information that appears to be essential to the story, and having it as a prologue risks having your readers skip over this section as a lot of readers tend to skip over prologues. If this section is absolutely essential to the story, and if skipping it would ruin the story, then I'd recommend making this Chapter 1 instead of a prologue.



My humanity is bound up in yours, for we can only be human together.
— Bishop Desmond Tutu