As her mother pulled out of the driveway, Danara felt a pang of guilt for being so rude. Come back! she wanted to yell, but the words got stuck in her throat and wouldn't form on her lips. The car pulled off, and she felt like her heart was being pulled away with it.
Agatha just smiled and waved at the car, which was already heading out of the neighborhood. "Abby's a good girl," she said decisively, then stepped into the house, leaving the door open behind her.
Danara followed, closing the door with a slam. Now that her mother was gone, her qualms grew. She looked around the house and felt like the walls were pressing in on her, squashing her hopes of having her mother back.
A feeling of loneliness settled inside her stomach. She was stuck with a grandmother she didn't know, a house she was uncomfortable in, and no one suitable to hang out with. She pursed her lips and realized that she was wishing for her mother more than she'd thought she would.
"I-I need to go to my room," she stammered, searching for the stairs. However, before she could bolt, Aggie placed a firm hand on her arm.
"You're not going anywhere," she said. "I know how you're feeling. Sad, isn't it? And angry that Abby left."
Danara frowned, refusing to reveal anything to her grandmother. Basically a stranger, she thought. I don't even know her.
Luckily, Agatha answered for her. "Of course you are," she decided. Here, I'll take you somewhere to get your mind off of it all. Your mother doesn't love you any less because of her job." Danara's grandmother looked for her car keys, grabbing some sunglasses as she scanned the room.
"Here," Danara said tersely, picking them up off of the table. Aggie shoved the glasses on her head and grabbed the keys, jangling them in her hand.
"Well? There's a nice little lake about fifteen minutes away. It's scenic and lovely and everything you'd want a lake to be," she coaxed, opening the house's door yet again.
"I don't want to go anywhere," Danara replied, feeling stubborn. "Mom left and now I'm stuck in your house and I don't even know you and I just can't wait for summer to be over!"
There was a short silence that spanned between them. Agatha squinted at Danara, but she didn't look mad. Rather, there was a look on her face that Danara couldn't place. Pity? Understanding? Whatever it was, she averted her eyes and refused to look at her face.
"I'm not a stranger." The words were short, but no anger was placed in them. Danara looked up again. "I know why you might feel that way, but you've met me before. When you were little."
"Oh, yeah? Then why haven't I met you over these past years? We've never come here more than once, as far as I can see."
"Your father didn't like me, Danara," Aggie said.
The mention of her father stopped Danara in her tracks. Her father. "Why? I mean, what--"
"He thought I was too protective. I admit I didn't think he would stay with Abby. He was dreamy, you know. Not like you. Less grounded. Less sure of himself. He didn't seem like a person Abby would like. But, nonetheless..."
Danara couldn't wrap her mind around this information. Her mother had told her before about her father--how he looked, what he did, et cetera. She hadn't been told anything new about her father for ages.
If her grandmother could tell her about her father, little details like the one she had just said, her stay might result in something precious. Danara quickly made a decision, glancing at the door.
"I'll go," she said.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,792 Reviews
Hi again, remember me? I'm so close to the number 1 spot for the month's reviewing...
Nit-picks and nice moments:
This seems like awfully complex language for somebody so distraught.
I'm not sure what it is about this but I could picture this really well
I don't think you need the "who".
I'm not sure this is dramatic enough to warrant such a high impact sentence.
Overall:
Character: Danara is pretty much as I remember her, which says good things about your cosistency
Setting: I think I remember you describing the house quite heavily already, so it's ok that there's very little here. A detail here or there wouldn't hurt though if you wanted to add some.
Plot: I'm not sure I understand why it's such a big deal that her father didn't like his mother-in-law. As far as I can tell that's quite common. Is it just because she's finally heard some information about her father? That would be interesting, but it's not really what it sounds like right now.
I look forward to reading this story again,
Biscuits
Thanks for the review!
I don't have any critics for this chapter. However, I did enjoy the brief bonding or hint of such in the future anyway between Danara and Aggie. It'll take some time of course, but I can see a strong bond developing between these two eventually. I am also skogthoy intrigued by the mention of Danara's father.
Hello hello! I remember reading chapter 3 and here I am again to take this out of the green room for you!
The time gap between chapter 3 and 4 confuses me a little bit. Where we left off in chapter 3, she was settling into her new room and she felt unsure about everything. Where we pick up here, mom is leaving and she's super sad. I feel like I'm missing some stuff between then and now. How much time has passed? Are we in the same day? What happened between settling in and her mom leaving?
I thought you showed her emotion of her mom leaving and now being stuck somewhere she doesn't want to be pretty well. The only thing I wish there was more of is Danara's thoughts. Like here:
What's going through her mind? What does she wish she said and what difference does she think it would have made? Does she feel like it's her fault her mom is leaving? Where is the guilt coming from?
Or here:
What did she think of her grandmother's comment right before this? Did she agree? What goes through her mind once she can't see her mom's car anymore? What are her qualms? How are they growing? What's so bad about not having her mother back? What could happen? What is her plan? That type of stuff.
I live for good internal monologues with characters because I think they're interesting and help me get to know a character and really get deep into their emotions. I love learning how characters think and process information and seeing how they problem solve. To me, it creates a much richer experience for the reader.
I liked the little cliff-hanger at the end about the father stuff. I don't have a lot of context about what's happening with this overarching plot, but obviously the dad stuff is important and there's a secret there. I love a good juicy secret!
I think I mentioned this in the last review as well, but the chapter feels short, and I think you could bulk it up a little bit. The writing itself is fine, but the chapter falls a little flat for me because I don't feel like a whole lot happens. I think adding in more thoughts could help, but I want to feel a little more oomph from the chapter.
I'm going to leave things there for now. I'm still intrigued by this story and I'd be happy to read on as you post more if you're interested! Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention!
Jimss here
Hi there Lupa22. From what I can tell, you are a seasoned vet on this site, and I am but a YWS newb, so forgive me for anything you might find wrong with this review.
Away.
I like that simple title, gets right to the point.
Let me say, you are very concise! That is fantastic! I can't tell you how intimidating it is trying to review a 2000 word chapter. Your chapter is emotional, compelling, and portrays the right amount of detail that befits the scene. Still, I couldn't help but find myself wanting just a little more at certain times while reading it. I can't put my finger exactly on where, but that's just my opinion.
Ok now to be a little more critical. When it gets to the part about the father, it felt a little weak. I feel as if it could have had just a bit more emotional punch. I think it might have had something to do with the wording, which I think was just a little too casual for the emotions you were trying to display.
In all, good stuff. Keep on a writing.
Sincerely,
Jimss, The Worst Reviewer (Do you think that is a good callsign? It's so accurate..)
Thanks so much for the review!