Away--Chapter 7

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     "Agatha, are you sure you're fine?"

     "Yes, yes, of course..."

     Her grandmother coughed yet again, her whole body shuddering. They were back at the house, Danara watching Aggie closely. She still hadn't figured out how she would get in touch with Mrs. Donner, and life had presented another problem for her to overcome. Agatha had gotten sick, which according to her was an extremely rare occasion.

     First, it had been the flu, which Agatha had waved off as a temporary illness. Then she had taken to coughing at every moment and everywhere. Danara hoped that she would remain well enough to take her to see Mrs. Donner. But from the signs she had seen so far, that wouldn't be the case anytime soon. 

    Everywhere they went, she was hacking and hacking out spittle, usually onto Danara's clothing. It was enough to make anyone scream, except for the fact that Danara knew her mother would be worried.

     "Do you need another tissue?"

     "No, I am perfectly--" Agatha barked a sharp cough, making Danara jump. "Fine," she croaked, grabbing a tissue from the box Danara held anyway. She wiped her mouth; when she threw away the tissue, Danara saw traces of mucus on the white. 

     Oh, no. If it was something serious, Aggie might have to be hospitalized, and Danara knew that her grandmother was her only source of transportation right now. And besides, Danara knew Agatha was a patient person, to put up with Danara's short temper and never-ending questions about her father. Her grandmother couldn't afford to get sick, and Danara couldn't let her.

........................

     "Maybe we need to visit the doctor, Agatha. I'm sure they'll diagnose this--"

     "Nonsense! I haven't ever gotten sick, and I'm not about to start now. I'm sure this is temporary."

     Danara sighed. Maybe her stubbornness ran in the family.

     Later that day, she searched up nearby doctors on her grandmother's ancient computer and scanned the internet, looking for the closest one. She had to convince Agatha to go there, and then she could find out whether the illness was serious or not.

     "Aggie," she said the next day, trying to smile sweetly. "I don't think you're going to get better on your own this time. Maybe we should go see a--"

     "Doctor? No!" her grandmother sniffed, struggling to hold back a cough. "This is nothing more than the common flu."

     Danara chose her words carefully. "But, Agatha, what if this is serious? It could be something harmful to your body! All I'm saying is you should be careful, that's all." She let her desperation show through in her voice. Although Aggie had come off as insensitive and impatient at first, she knew her grandmother had tried to help Danara get comfortable in a new environment by taking her to the lake and telling Danara about her father. Also, her mother would be frantic if she knew Agatha was sick.

     Aggie turned away and sighed, her exhale a wheezing breath with a hint of a cough following close behind. "We'll see."

............................

     While her grandmother got increasingly sick, Danara tried to find out all she could about Mrs. Donner. She typed in Mrs. Donner, teacher on Google, then frowned. The search wasn't specific enough. She mustered up the courage (and the patience) to ask Agatha what her father's school was.

     "Aggie? What school did my father go to?" Danara fidgeted with her shirt, rubbing the hem and running her fingers along the seam. She didn't want another indirect answer or more information about her mother. She hoped her grandmother would understand.

     Luckily, in her sick state, Agatha seemed in no mood to debate. "Rivers Elementary School," she answered. "Although I'm sure it's closed now, so don't even think about visiting."

     By the time she was done with her sentence, Danara had already raced back to the computer. Mrs. Donner, Rivers Elementary School. Hitting Enter, she waited with an excited face as the computer took a lifetime to scrounge up results.

     There! In a list of the members of the senior home located downtown, she saw a Mrs. Donner, "a former teacher at Rivers Elementary School." This had to be her. But her getting to the senior home depended heavily on her grandmother's sickness. If Agatha didn't get better soon...

........................

     "And where is this hospital?"

     "Close to this neighborhood. It'll only take about ten minutes to drive there."

     "I'm telling you, Danara, it's not serious at all. Just because I'm coughing--" Her grandmother broke off, removing her glasses and drawing away from the computer screen. She took a shaky breath. "It doesn't mean anything bad," she added weakly.

     This woman was a far cry from the gruff grandmother Danara had seen on her first day here. "We're going anyway," she said firmly, checking the address one more time, then closing out the window. "If it turns out to be nothing, we won't go again." All the better for me, she thought.

     Agatha slowly walked to get her car keys, heading for the front door. "Well?" she asked, jingling the keys. "Let's go. But I swear it's just the flu."

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
ExOmelas
Review

Hey again, apparently one more time until you continue to write this... *grumbles*

Nit-picks:

Oh, no. If it was something serious, Aggie might have to be hospitalized, and Danara knew that her grandmother was her only source of transportation right now. Her grandmother couldn't afford to get sick, and Danara couldn't let her.

I realise she doesn't know her that well, but I would hope Danara was worried about an old woman's health as well.

scanned the Internet

I don't know if I've ever seen internet with a capital I before.

Although Aggie had come off as insensitive and impatient at first, she knew her grandmother had tried to help Danara get settled in, even if it hadn't been obvious at first.

Maybe tell us how Danara became aware of this, so I'm properly convinced that she has thought about it.

her exhale sounding more like a wheezing breath

I'm not sure it sounds like a wheezing breath; it is a wheezing breath.

Her grandmother broke off, removing her glasses and drawing away from the computer screen. She took a shaky breath. "It doesn't mean anything bad," she added weakly.

When did Aggie get to the computer? Is she looking at the results about the senior home?

"If it turns out to be nothing, we won't go again."

Wait, are they going to the doctor's or the seniors' home? I would suspect the doctor's but it feels like it's the seniors' home because Aggie is at the computer and the last thing I heard about the computer is Danara looking up the seniors' home.

Overall:

I've decided to stop doing my formula since setting doesn't really apply to these chapters and character and plot are quite often intertwined since this is such a character driven story.

I think we need a bit more of a gradual change between the "gruff" Aggie and what we have now. I feel like I haven't really seen enough of this Aggie and just have Danara telling me she's softer, which is less immersive.

Most of what I've got from this chapter is Danara being clever, but she gets the answer out of Aggie quite easily because Aggie's ill. I think quite soon I'd like to see her work a tricky conversation and show off her skills that she mentioned about getting what she wants out of grown-ups.

Hope this helps and hope you write the next chapter soon,
Biscuits :P

User avatar
Silberfee
Review

HI I haven't read your previous chapters but I hope I will be of help despite that !
I assume that Danara isn't related to Agatha because they refer to each other in first time terms but they know each other well but I'm not quite sure because of this

This woman was a far cry from the gruff grandmother Danara had seen on her first day here.
I did wonder about Danara's age I assume because of this
This had to be her. But her getting to the senior home depended heavily on her grandmother's sickness. If Agatha didn't get better soon...
she is under the age of eighteen.

Or is Agatha age conscious and hates being called grandmother? This would support her trait of loving being independant in this chapter as she refuses to comply with Danara and see a doctor. Regardless of whether Danara and Agatha are related or not they seem to be very close, close enough for Danara to book an appointment with a doctor despite Agatha's continous protestations. I can't imagine someone loving independance agreeing to be nicknamed Aggie because Aggie sounds too childish.

I'm being a bit nitpicky here when you say here
First it had been the flu
do you mean flu or do you mean the common cold? because I know anglophones have a habit saying that they have the flu when it is the common cold - but because you compare the flu to be something less severe than 'Then she had taken to coughing at every moment and everywhere,' I'm going to take it that what she had initially was the common cold because the flu is more serious than the common cold. I expect if she had the flu she would have consented to see the doctor because she would have had a fever, and she would feel tired and sick all the time.

Since you devoted an entire chapter to Agatha's cold I assume it is integral to the central plot which seems to be Danara trying to find out about her dad - it seems either that is the point of the story or a contributory factor to the story.

I think your story is very well written I didn't find anything wrong with it:)

Thanks for the review! :D I actually did mean the flu, because Agatha doesn't have any old sickness... it's actually something specific.

It is important to the story, you'll find out later. :P

Again, thanks for stopping by!

ah ok ignore me then :P

User avatar
RavenBlack
Review

Hey Raven Black here!

First off, interesting read. I can tell there's an necessity for them to get wherever it is they have to go through your writing, which is good. However, I'm afraid to say there was more negatives in this piece than positives, in my opinion.

- This is probably going to be useless since your seven chapters in but the name Mrs Donner, I don't think that name's appropriate. It sounds awful and relates to food unless that's on purpose...

- You were telling me information a lot of the time than showing, don't worry I have the same problem. For instance:

"No, I am perfectly--" Pausing in the middle of her sentence

The '-' already tells us that she stopped speaking, so the extra part wasn't needed.

- You mentioned her being ill a lot, I don't know if you did this to enforce how sick she was but either way it wasn't necessary. After a while I got annoyed reading it because you kept repeating it.

- Also I don't think you needed to dedicate a chapter to her being defiant to going to the hospital.

- You don't need to use two dashes, one will suffice.

Sorry for the harsh review :-(

Keep writing xx

Thanks for the review! I added a little more point to the chapter other than ranting about how sick Agatha was. And the two dashes are just a little habit of mine, I don't think it's a very big problem. Again, thanks for dropping by! :D



Only the suppressed word is dangerous.
— Ludwig Borne