Aggie's low grunts punctuated the air as they clambered up the hill. Danara frowned, her gaze unfocused. How would her father fit into all of this? And why was her grandmother avoiding the subject of him?
As soon as Agatha reached their car, Danara turned on her, speaking loudly to override her grandmother's heavy panting. "You never once mentioned my father. I didn't come here for all this information about my mom."
A piercing glare was her response. "And I didn't come here to listen to the complaints of a child. If you want to know your father, at least know how to be patient first."
Chastised, Danara turned away, infuriated at Aggie's reply. She couldn't believe that she was going to be here a whole summer. The prospect of many more days to come made her want to mutiny.
They climbed into the car and her grandmother began driving back--back to the exact place where Danara didn't want to go. In desperation, she asked, "Do you know anybody who used to know my dad?"
If Agatha didn't want to give her the answers, Danara would have to find them herself. She picked at the seam of her jeans, running her fingers over the denim, as silence fell around her. For a few moments, the only sound was the growling of the engine as it coughed up smoke behind them. Then, a disgruntled voice--"Yes."
Danara involuntarily leaned forward. "Who? Where are they?"
Agatha twisted around to look at Danara at a red light, scrutinizing her eager face. Then she turned back around and let out a sigh, punching down the gas pedal. The car shot forward, making such a noise that Danara almost didn't hear the start of her answer. "Mrs. Donner. His former teacher. Lives near this neighborhood, but not too close. Isn't a very talkative lady."
She knew that her grandmother was trying to deter her, but so far it was failing. Finally, she had a lead. Now, she just had to persuade Aggie to take her there...
But Danara knew all about wheedling a "yes" from an adult. She had done so many times with her mother, and she internally went through all of her tactics, biting her lip as she tried to imagine which ones would work against Aggie. These thoughts took her all the way to her grandmother's house, and as Danara got out of the truck she still couldn't find a foolproof way to confront Agatha. The thing that was wrong, she determined, was that she didn't know her grandmother. It was like exploring uncharted territory with no idea of what lay ahead.
Grudgingly, she helped Aggie get out of the car, reaching the front door and waiting impatiently for her grandmother to fumble with the keys. First, she would have to see if anyone else knew Mrs. Donner... seeing as she had been her father's teacher, maybe old folks in the area would know her. Danara was already formulating a plan in her mind as to how to tackle the mystery of her father.
Excitement flowed through her veins and affected her thoughts, making her feel optimistic. If she found something interesting to work on (and she had), her bleak summer vacation future could be turned around.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hi again, one more review and I overtake Nikayla!
Nit-picks and nice moments:
"extraneous" seems like very complex language for a fairly young child who is exasperated and (I'd assume) fairly out of breath.
"was it" sounds like someone has done something. "Who?" would sound more natural in this situation.
Why old folks specifically? Presumably middle aged people who would have been about her father's age would have made more sense. Or do you mean that if she taught her dad she must be quite old and therefore is most likely to be found amongst old people?
Maybe be slightly more specific or metaphoric here. Sounds a bit like a plot outline.
Overall:
Character: I really like hearing about the mischevious side of Danara. It gives more depth to a character I've found doing things that could definitely be seen as unkind (ie snapping at her mother and grandmother) and means there's more ways to look at her actions. I think I get some more about Aggie here with her telling Danara to be patient, but maybe have her mention something about why this is important to her so that I feel closer to her.
Setting: A fair bit, enough that I can feel like I'm out in the middle of nowhere, which is very intimidating for a lonely child.
Plot: This story is really simple but that's why I've enjoyed it enough to come back to it. You've made me care about Danara so that this fairly low jeopardy story feels really important. I really really commend you for this.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Thanks for the review!
Hey, I'm here to review! Congrats for being promoted to an Angel!
This sentence structure is confusing. I suggest putting the nouns in order, like: 'Arriving at a red light, Agatha twisted around, scrutinizing Danara's eager face.'
Uhuh. The last part is a bit illogical. I mean, yes, Mrs. Donner knows her father, but she's going to meet her for the first, the lady is a complete stranger to her, and so, the thought of staying at her place already is a bit sudden. Perhaps she can have this thought when she's at Donner's place, thinking maybe staying there would allow her to extract more information from Donner.
Before we arrive at this part, it seems like Danara is an expert of persuading others. Why can't she find a sure way to persuade Agatha then? Is it because she hasn't figured out Agatha yet? Telling us she's good at this and later shows us she can't do this to Agatha pretty much waters down the intended message of the paragraph.
I think this is kinda rude, and it's a bit of a surprise seeing she doesn't want to be at the house in the first place. I get how she's not in a good mood, but I suggest showing us that with a better example. You may risk portraying her as someone readers can't sympathize/tolerate.
Overall, this is a solid chapter. It's pretty short, but what draws me into reading this and continuing reading it is the relationship between Danara and her grandmother as well as the mystery about her father. I haven't read the previous chapters, so I don't really know about the mystery, except that he's out of the picture. You have a good handling on the characters, and I'm looking forward on the progress of their relationship, hopefully a good one where they understand and support each other.
Keep up the good job!
Thanks so much!
Greetings! Let's get right into the review!
Criticism:
"Chastised, Danara turned away, infuriated at Aggie's reply." I do not think the word 'Chastised' is needed here. It just seems to make the sentence a bit awkward, but that is just my opinion so make of that what you will.
Also, you constantly alternate between calling the character "Aggie" and "Agatha" Pick one in order to avoid confusion.
That is truly all the criticism I have. I like the mysteriousness of who Danara's father was and how Aggie is reluctant to telll the truth to her granddaughter. Looking forward to seeing what this Mrs. Donner is like. Keep writing
Thanks!