"Oh, sweetie, it'll be good for you."
Danara had heard that line before. She'd heard it so many times she had gotten sick of it. Every time she heard that sentence, something nauseating crept up into her throat.
She heard it when her teachers introduced a new program to their failing school: "This club will bring our community back up again, I just know it!" She heard it when her parents had signed their divorce papers, smiling sadly: "It's for the best, Danara. Don't try to argue." Danara wished that she could take that phrase out of her memories and dump it in her overflowing trash can at home, but wishing didn't help.
Books didn't have that line in them. At least, the characters always understood that it was annoying. Danara felt much better with books, preferring them over the confusion of people. She knew how to flip the pages and turn the words into beautiful stories, but she never knew how to handle people's feelings or socialize with others.
So it was all that Danara could bear to not dive into another book when the plane tickets were ordered.
"Danara, honey, it'll be good for you." There it was again. She clenched her fists and squinted at her mother, who was absorbed in the glowing screen of the computer.
"How do you know?"
Her mom sighed and turned in her soft chair to face Danara. "Look, there's no better option. You know how important business gets. Right now I have more clients than I can handle, and it's not even the busiest time of year yet."
"But why do we have to go to my grandma's house? I mean, I don't even know her," Danara protested.
"You will, honey, very soon. As soon as you reach her, I bet you'll become fast friends," her mother reassured her. But Danara's senses flew sky-high and picked out things that told her different: a slight strain in her mother's voice, a shaky exhale into the air between them. She wasn't sure that she believed a word.
"Mom, she's older than my teachers. How do you make friends with old people?"
There, at least her mom was smiling now. "It's not polite to call people old, Danara. And I remember a certain teacher you were raving about the first few weeks of school."
Mrs. Evans--the Language Arts teacher at Danara's school and the nicest one to boot. But she pushed that out of her head and tried to persuade her mother into staying. "It'll cost money. Aren't there babysitters in this area?"
"Danara, I'll earn money from this trip. As for your question, there are, but none that I can trust to watch you."
It was no use. Danara knew a lost cause when she saw one. She glanced at the walls and felt like they were closing in on her. "I know... I just wish that we weren't going so--"
"Far away? I'd wish that too, but real estate duty calls." Her mother smiled, a soft smile that told Danara the conversation was over.
Good for me. How, Danara wondered, did people know what was good and bad in such a mixed-up world?
End of chapter
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
Greetings! Let's get right into the review.
This is a good introduction, and I like that the opening line gets straight to the point. Danara's feelings of frustration become clear very quickly despite the shortness of this chapter. She's in a really difficult situation right now and it's clear things will get worse before they get better. I don't have any critics to offer here so I'll just move onto the next chapter
Hi,
It's Red, and I saw your chapter 5 and decided to start from the beginning.
So far, the story is good. The mother/daughter relationship and dialogue feels realistic, and I'm curious to where the story will be going.
I find that it is necessary to elaborate on a few details in this introductory chapter.
" She knew how to flip the pages and turn the words into beautiful stories, but she never knew how to handle people's feelings or socialize with others."
For example, you briefly gloss over her social ineptitude, but I want something more subtle and/or more detail. You could write how this character can only relate to people in books or maybe mention how she has very little friends or hint to bullying
"in such a mixed up world" is an over dramatic phrase. You didn't elaborate to enough how her world is mixed up. I know she doesn't go to a nice school, subjected to bullying, and her parents went through a divorce, but I have yet to know how it all has fully affected her. I could see that she mistrusts her mother and caused her to be more cautious, however, it's not the phrase itself that is really the problem. It's just too early in the story. I need to know more about her and her life. Also I may want to use "messed up" rather than "mixed up".
Also I agree with Biscuits, in that when your characters says the sentence "it'll be good for you" is thrown around too much, it doesn't match what your examples. You examples paraphrase this sentence. The school and mother hold the same sentiment, but their not literarily saying the same phrase, "it will be good for you".
Another thing with this sentence is that, she doesn't explain why the new school program (or what this program even is) failed or why the divorced wasn't the best despite what her mother and the school said. Also maybe you should add how maybe these people who promise the best don't actually listen to her.
"something nauseating crept up into her throat"
Nitpick here. This is a weird sentence. You feel nausea in your stomach, not in your throat.
You're a great writer. You have a lot of potential and going on the.right something nauseating crept up into her throat
Keep writing.
—Redbox275
Hey there!
Nit-picks first:
I'm not totally sure what phrase you actually mean. It's the same sentiment over and over again, other people saying they know better than her. It's realistic that not everybody would say it in the same way, so calling it a phrase is kind of confusing. I would maybe focus on a tone, because it's doubtless said in the same patronising tone each time.
You missed the closing speech marks.
I don't know what ELA stands for.
~~~~
Character: I really sympathise with Danara. It seems like her socialising problem is a more clear cut thing than the kinds of feelings I get (the way you describe her recognising the exact signs explicitly), but I can empathise really well. The mum is also well rounded, as in I don't just hate her. If I'm meant to, you probably don't want her to want Danara to be happy about it.
Setting: There is some description of setting, and I understand it is just a living room so a lot more than that might seem unnecessary, but if a character is going far away that's a perfect opportunity to talk about Danara's favourite home comforts that she's going to miss. This gives the setting a very personal touch and makes the reader care more.
Plot: This is a simple and effective plot so far. I intend to read the next chapter straight away.
Flow: This also works well. You have a good amount of speech and a good amount of thought description. Well balanced!
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
Hello,
This is a great start to a story! You keep you tense the same thought this chapter which is great and it is not hard to follow. Your main character is a bookworm who is sick of being told what is good for her and now she is being shipped off to her grandma and dose not want to go. I think the question at the end of it was great so that you grab the readers attention and keep them interested. I can't wait to see where you take this.
Happy Writing.
-M.
Thank you so much! ^.^