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Hey Ant!! This has been in the Green Room for a while, so I thought I’d get it out of there for you--sponsored by Review Day!
First of all, let me say that I ADORE the way this poem sounds. I’m a sucker for poems with a light and airy tone, and you’ve executed that so well. The whole piece is sort of abstract and almost philosophical, and the overarching metaphor of “lives as clouds” works so well! Well done!
I will say--and this might just be me--but the fourth stanza does not fully click in my brain. It feels like a bit of muddled metaphor, that I don’t truly understand like the rest of the poem. I’d have liked a bit more clarity, that connects more towards the main metaphor. It feels a bit like a digression.
However, the last stanza definitely makes up for it!! It connects back to that original metaphor in a way that feels so right. Even the imagery of “submerging” feels so perfect, and I can almost feel my heart sinking along with it.
This whole poem is just so airy in a way that doesn’t feel forgettable! Thank you for sharing this with YWS, Ant.
Keep writing!!
<3, chem
Thank you so much, chem!! I agree, that stanza does feel kind of separate, sometimes I go on a weird rabbit hole with metaphors. XD Thanks again for reading!
Hello Ant! Lim here with a short review.
This poem has a melancholy yet calm mood. It seems to portray human emotions as akin to natural processes. The clouds form, it rains, the clouds grow lighter again and the cycle continues. The poetic voice seems very gentle.
Something I like about this poem is the way it ends.
I feel it was kind of an ‘unexpected’ turn. The rain, being enough to obscure the stars, makes it seem like something might happen, or something might change - but instead, as in the hydrological cycle, the clouds sort of go back to being the way they were. I liked that as a sort of aha moment, as it seems to convey the message that emotions building up and releasing is a kind of ‘natural’ process.
Some questions I have for you as the poet are:
1) What role do the “dreams and wishes” play in the poem? Are the emotions depicted meant to be about dreams and wishes somehow? Maybe unfulfilled expectations, disappointment, or trying to live up to expectations and the burden of that?
2) I noticed that the land is mentioned but not described very much in this poem, which shifts the focus to the sky and the sea. Was that intentional? Did you imagine the clouds were drifting over a particular sort of landscape (or were they only drifting over the sea for the most part)? (I did like the detail of the sea being where the clouds began to get heavy, as all that water would be evaporating!
A couple of other lines I enjoyed are:
I like how this elaborates on the metaphor that “we spend our lives as clouds”. It flows nicely from the first line leading into the third.
I feel like these lines seem very empathetic. I kind of like it as an example of how throughout this poem, the “we”, a collective, seem to understand the process of the clouds forming together, so each individual doesn’t experience emotions alone / in a way where others can’t understand them.
Overall, this was an enjoyable read! I liked the progression of the poem, as well as the poetic voice/ how the speaker(s) came across.
Hope this helps, and keep writing!
-Lim
Hi Lim!!Sorry I completely forgot to reply to this - thank you so much for the review!
I don't think I meant to draw away focus from the land in the poem, I guess I was just focusing on the clouds mostly, and they stay this way no matter where they go (except for over the sea).