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Okay, try this: take out the adjectives and adverbs that are not ellipses of noun phrases or proper adjectives or demonstrative adjectives. And I'm saying this because it still seems a bit clunky and I don't think your word choice is particularly note-worthy here. In fact, I think your adjectives are causing you quite a bit of grief.
Wow Lumi. This piece is amazing absolutely no changes needed! Keep it up! I love your writing!
When I read something like this, I recognize the league I play in. I just wanted to let you know of that little factor. Someday I will attempt to critique you, until then, I apologize.
However, incredible. The imagery is very smoothly worked in, that sounds odd...but true, indeed. I love the stanzas and separation. Very enjoyable to read.
Hi, Lumi!
So, you've gotten a lot of feedback on this so far so I'm going to be brief -- I just thought I would stop by and give my opinion. Interesting structure, interesting subject, nice imagery; that's what you have going for you in this poem.
However, I'm going to have to say that I agree with the others who have said that you need to embellish your conflict and polish some of the aspects to the story behind this poem.
This doesn't feel very meaningful to me because I don't know anything about the narrator or the narrator's mother. While I do realize that this is poetry and not prose, I think you still have some room to add a bit more detail. It was really confusing, and like becki, I only now got what it's about.
I was also thrown off like inkwell at the beginning when you switch tenses. Just because this is poetry, don't be afraid to slow down and let us know who your characters are and what they're going through. In my opinion, it won't bog down the message, only strengthen it.
I don't really have anything to add; Kyl covered most of my other complaints from within the poem itself. Hope this helps; good luck with your revisions!
~ Elinor
(I'm also craving a cup of tea now...)
Wow, there's a lot of over-examination of this. Simple poems tend to get that, even though most are meant to be open-ended. This poem is excellent, AS IS. No excessive complications necessary.
Hey Lumi!
So you dared me to review this. I'm terrible at poems so I have no idea!
Let me see...My first instinct was that it's too abrupt. I just managed to figure out that the Dad was dead and the mother was an alcoholic and then it was over. With subject matters like this I think you need to linger a little longer. Dwell in the guilt you talk about, the sadness and communicate that to your reader.
I guess what I am saying is I wanted more. I wanted to know more about the person drinking the tea! But that may be the story writer in me clawing through.
And I don't necessarily mean more information or more about a plot...but just more about the emotions contained in this piece. Like I said, I was just starting to feel them and then it cut off.
Otherwise I enjoyed this piece and now I want a cup of tea.
So I think this is my first poetry review ever. Hope it didn't suck!
Bex x
A couple months ago (self-promotion, skip for review) I also submitted a poem about tea. And I, with the backing of Captain Picard, have to say the caffeine in Earl Grey along with it's piquant, smokey, citrusy flavor is unlike anything and irresistible (trumps Chamomile). Anyway, here is "Tea" : topic73755.html?
My only other complaint is that this poem is not reallllllllllly about tea, or is it all a metaphor for drinking tea? Dun dun dun...
To your poem. I liked the Senyru version the best. The featured poem is, and I admit of doing this as well, a bit confusing. You bring up your mother and describe her in the present tense but then reveal that she's a memory. It's interesting and works I suppose but maybe you shouldn't connect the caustic air to your mother. It misled me.
The last two lines are my favorite and I think really capture your tone well and creatively. "caustic guilt in the air" was wonderful along with your description of your mother warped on the couch by waiting.
You need to stress the conflict more to give this poem a little more interest. Right now, it seems very bare bones, which isn't altogether bad, but the problem is it's not altogether good either. Stress the mom and her grief more. It'll work better and be a lot more meaningful.
If you're breathing, air is a given. This redundancy is compounded by the repetition of "in".
I suggest either omitting "in the air" or substituting some other word for "breathed". "Savored" is one such possibility.
The concepts of "pouring" and "hardly" contradict one another. "Pouring" implies great quantities of, in this case, moonlight filtering through the window, however it's apparently not enough to shine on her toes? "Trickle" would be a more sensible word choice. You also get the added bonus of alliteration.
That comma after "couch" threw me off. Now, while its presence lends to a double meaning, at the same time, it really threw off the flow for me. I would suggest perhaps playing around with the linebreak placement, else deleting the comma.
This last stanza struck me as not flowing as well as it could, and I think it would work better as one whole sentence rather than two separate. As it stands, having two sentences structured "I did X" so close together makes the stanza feel a bit bland and tell-y.
My suggestion:
Overall, not one of my favorites, but not bad at all. I actually find myself liking this the more I read it.
No wonder that last line sounded familiar, since I read "Chamomile" first
I love "caustic guilt," great wordage there.
That is all. ^_^
~Blue
You're so confused! You got your lessthan/greaterthan signs mixed up. Let me fix that for you. Here:
x] ♥ Persy.
Sorry, Coral. Earl Gray > Chamomile, Taste-wise.
Excellent write.
Chamomile> Earl Gray.
Taste-wise, anyways.
In this case, Chamomile < Earl Gray.
Awesome write. ^_^
Now I don't know a thing about poetry, (and thanks to Sephy for making me Google senryu,) but I think Earl Grey wins. Even if I'm basing it on the taste.