On Your Knees

by LukanRinta
  • July 24, 2011
  • Poetry
  • Narrative

Spoiler! :
This poem is about 4 years old, and I realize it's not that good. I tried to get the easiest nitpicks out while typing it up :) Enjoy!


I look out over the ocean;
up to the great blue sky.
A gentle breeze to toss my hair
and you stand at my side.
You look at me and smile,
and my heart begins to fly.
You take my hand, so gentle,
I never want to say good-bye.

We walk over to a bench
right on the water's edge.
I sat down, gratefully;
you stare at a far-off ledge.
Instead of sitting next to me
you got down on one knee.
You took out a small black box;
it's me you want to please.
That's when I caught my breath,
and tried to clear my throat.
My hands were trembling, what a mess!
But still, I was full of hope.
Then I was in the air,
colliding into you.
We both fell to the ground,
and instantly you knew.

Though no words came from your mouth,
I knew what you meant to say.
You kissed me once, tenderly.
I said yes to you today.
You stood me up,
but once again,
I fall into your arms.

You kiss my hair,
and finally,
happily ever after,
The End.

Comments & reviews · 5
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hayley10019
Review
hayley10019 wrote a review · Mon Jul 25, 2011 3:23 am

This was defiantly a really happy love-y poem and it was really cute. It wasn't too sappy, but sappy enough to get the point across that it was this cute little fling or love or..whatever you would like to call it. Haha. But either way, I can't complain about it because it was so cute. It might be old but it is still cute and sweet. I liked all the imagery and the way you wrote it was if the person was watching it happen. And it was so cute.
Anyway if you need anything else (more critiquing or anything) just message me!
-Hayley
Keep writing this was adorable!

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MiddleEarthGal
Comment
MiddleEarthGal commented · Mon Jul 25, 2011 2:55 am

Awww!! What a wonderful poem! I really like it! :D

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Desire
Review
Desire wrote a review · Sun Jul 24, 2011 5:48 pm

This is definitely one of those feel-good, happy poems :D I could just picture the whole thing as I was reading the poem! One line that I'm not quite sure about tho, "A gentle breeze to toss my hair". Maybe think of using "A gentle breeze gently tosses my hair"... Although your line could be more effective? haha, maybe just check what the other reviewers have to say. I really did enjoy it tho - was like reading a fairytale story :D xxx

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beccalicious94
Review
beccalicious94 wrote a review · Sun Jul 24, 2011 5:10 pm

This poem is so cute! Although you definitely know what is coming, I think it is one of those feel-good happy-ending poems the hopeless need to hear every once in a while. The only thing I thought was a bit awkward was the word "gratefully", maybe "gracefully" would sound better? In either event, keep up the writing!



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— Ari11