My blood is cold.
The room is black.
The tears run down my face
like razor blades.
The smoke of despair
clouds my head.
I'm surrounded by horror.
Every direction I turn
terror awaits.
I close my eyes and fall.
A dark tank of water.
Chains holding me to the bottom.
Unable to break free.
I look to the surface,
despair in my eyes.
Every terror taunts me,
looking and laughing from above.
My lungs burn.
My heart aches.
Pain explodes in my head.
Blackness spreads like the darkest night.
But I no longer want to fight.
My pulse slows and I await
the finale of my final fate.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hm... I like your other poem better! This one seems a little bit too tame and unmoving, if you know what I mean! My favorite stanza was your second to last stanza, which had a bit of action and moving inside it, mostly because that's when the pain is actually expressed. I think it might be better if you let the pain explode out earlier on and then let the poem die down. That way, it'll help mimic what the poem is actually saying.
Best of luck!
This sort of poem is a little hard for me to review, because I have very mixed opinions on it. On the one hand, I rather like the three D's (death, darkness, and despair); but the problem is, one just sees this genre so much on this site. So very much. Not that that makes it any less meaningful, but your first step should be to make this poem stand out from all the others like it. Right now, it has a lot of potential, some very good imagery, but it could go a lot farther.
I like these two lines a lot. They feel fresher and scarier than most of the others.
The exclamation points are unnecessary and distracting here. Let the intensity of the poem speak for itself.
Where did the rhyme come from? None of the other lines rhyme. You should either rhyme the whole poem, or eliminate the rhyme altogether.
Overall: This is a good start. As I said before, you could do a lot more with this poem. Add a unique flair to it, something to set it apart from the cliche, and it will be great.
Hey! THis is a nice poem. Raw!
I really liked this poem! I hope my suggestions help! PM me for anything!