"Kayla! No!" I found myself screaming once again. "Kayla!" I tried again as I watched her summon her power.
She lifted from the ground, arms at her sides. Her power lifting her by her shoulders, letting her fly through the air. Tree branches moved out of her way as she pushed them away with her mind.
"Goodbye Derek," The words trickled across my mind. "I love you."
"No, Kayla! Don't leave!" I cried out. My molecules spun, so I let go. Just a cold, misty cloud now, I floated up and drifted after Kayla.
"No Derek. It's too dangerous. Stay where you are!" Kayla said.
I became whole again, wondering what to do.
I awoke with a start. Screaming at the top of my lungs. Soaked in sweat I looked at my clock. Three fifty-two. There was no way I was going back to sleep. I threw back my sheets and climbed out of bed. Avoiding the step that creaks I made my way downstairs to the kitchen. Opening the refrigerator, my mind wandered back to the dream. I didn't know what it meant, or even who Kayla was.
I glanced down at the calender and groaned. Tomorrow was my sixteenth birthday.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is quite the start here. It seems like a rather typical romance story, but then we have the fun little surprise of some magic and a bit of powers getting involved in the mix and I love the way you manage to incorporate that into this here. It gives a more cliché opening a little more life and captures our attention just that little better as a result.
Oooh well this gets interesting. Despite the way the opening went which seemed something like an rejection we have some evidence there is some care here because as this person appears to try and embrace that same power it seems they're been told to be more careful there. Its a double edged rank there because at the same time as us having this revelation about the romance we also see that this other person is embarking on something potentially dangerous adding an extra element of some danger into the mix.
Ooooh well it seems we've ended on arguably the biggest cliché of them all there with the whole its a dream thing. Normally I am not at all a fan of this particular style but in this case it seems to be integrated into something bigger and more mysterious there so I think that creates a more powerful effect and in that sense this ending actually works surprising well I think to leave you with a bit more to think about and I think that makes for a decent ending.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
i like it by itself. the reader can add significance to the preceding instances on their own. it gives the story a lot of meaning and a certain intelligence. saying it is a prologue changes everything though. the writing itself wasn't particularly good and only the strangeness and obscurity of the plot saves it from being completely boring, overdone, cliched, all that. knowing it's a prologue i can imagine what type of story would come from this set up and it's not something i think could be very good. i'm sorry. the only thing that attracted me to this was the ingenuity in how you presented the story-- no explanation, just facts. man if you clean this up and make the writing a little better, this could be a good piece on its own. i can already feel something sinister happening on your 16th bday! i don't need more story.
I'm sorry for this not being so clear, but yes, it is a prologue. When I wrote it, I kinda scribbled it out, wondering if I should or shouldn't have one. The story will begin to click together more once I start adding the chapters. Sorry for the shortness of it. I'll add more soon.
Hi LukanRinta!
First off, a quick question.
Her molecules spun? Can you explain what you meant by this?
I also assumed this was a prologue. However, if it isn't then this is a really short story with little information. In the first paragraph you introduce the character Kayla, but when I finished the story and looked back to the Kayla incident I wondered what an earth she had to do with anything since your main character didn't know who she was. Can you give us a little more information on who this Kayla may be?
In her dream you talk about the summoning of power. I think you can give a little more explanation and description of this, as I had a hard time imaging the scene. I didn't fully understand what was going on? Is the magic? Supernatural? Or is it more symbolic than anything?
The first paragraph is action packed but then it all fizzles out as your character realises it was just a dream.
This dream obviously stood out to your character a lot more than any others had as she is looking for a deeper meaning within it, but why? Can you give us a little more information on why she was really freaked out by the dream? You could include character emotions here.
I hope to read more as this was very short and I didn't get much out of it. The fist paragraph sounds exciting so I think it would good if you expanded it a little.
Keep writing and PM me if you post anything up!
#004080 ">OxfordandOnyx
Hiya!
Good start here, but it could be a little longer but I won't bug you about that.
There wasn't anything that stood out to my specifically accept for the last paragraph, it moves a little fast and the last sentenace, that does cause one to think how it will matter later, seems rather random. But its just a thought
So, again good start! Hope to see more
Keep up the good work
-Irish
Hi Lukan I'm peanut. So here goes:
I'm going to assume this is a prologue, but if it wasn't it's a little short. This might have just been a typo because when was reviewing it the beginning was italicized but on the post the dream wasn't. So you might want to fix that, it will make it easier to understand.
The shouldn't be capitalized.
PM me if you post more.
~peanut~
I liked this I just wish it was longer, but there are a few things.
1.
This sentence was kind of confusing, try changing the arrangement around to
I didn't know what it meant, or who Kayla was.
It's just a suggestion.