A/N: This poem is extremely rough. Honestly, it's fresh off the press, with no editing. It's not at all what I had originally pictured, and I know it needs work. I'm open to any and all criticism. Enjoy!
I'm not bored;
I'm not lazy.
I just like the rain,
so they call me crazy.
~~~~~~~~
I don't like the same things
over and over.
Like too many three-leafed
not four-leafed clover.
~~~~~~~~
You might get it now,
that point which I write on.
In a world full of gray,
I think I'm still neon.
~~~~~~~~
This age's like an ocean,
you must go with it's sway;
either go with the tide,
or be swept away.
~~~~~~~~
You must be the same,
whatever you say.
You can't disagree,
that's just not the way.
~~~~~~~~
What happened to my ability
to say what I wish?
You may not like it,
but I like it the way it is.
~~~~~~~~
In a world full of bondage,
I am still free.
So tell me now, quickly:
Do you have a problem with me?
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Hello CapitalMonday here for a review. i like to begin that this poem could somewhat relate to people since we ask simple question, wondering if people must hate us for who we are and yet we get the same response every time; "Why would i hate you?" Also i enjoy that there is like a end rhyming scheme going on yet at the same time, it sorta like a end beat in a song. Plus with the end rhyme (whether there is one of not) gives a great tone off as worrisome of what people think of you.
this stanza seemed to me like a problem. First off, i think you should change leaf to leafed for both stanzas. Finally, I think you should add an comma. Like many three-leafed/ not four-leafed, clovers .. yet it still sounds a little misused or hard to get a grip of.Nitpick(s):
this seems not worded correctly. Yet I like it, my way or something of a similar way.
Overall, i am sure people could relate since (like i said above), people could relate and half of the people who read this would ask them; do i have people in my life that make me do things that i feel like not doing? pushing me to the extreme as if i was a slave? (Hopefully this makes sense).
Farewell,
CapitalMonday
Thank you for reviewing!
It sounds more carefree than the "yet" one, which is it's purpose. But thanks for suggesting!
Yeah, I keep hearing that the clover line is a little confusing. I agree with adding "ed" to the end of leaf. "Three-leafed" and "four-leafed" are adjectives describing clover, thus a comma shouldn't be needed.
I think I will leave "but I like it the way it is" ... er.. the way it is.
Thanks so much for reviewing, and the follow!
Cheers!
P.S. I REALLY like your profile picture!
Thanks! and you are most welcome!
No, I don't have a problem with you at all
In truth I really love your poem because it's sort of in the same structure that I write, most of all I reckon rough work is sometimes the best work. When you edit it too much you begin to take out the essence of emotion in the poem. So as of current I think it's great, though I do have a few things to point out. Though it may just be me.
"Like too many three-leaf
not four-leaf clover."
I feel like it should be leafed or it should have plural for clover, due to the fact you stated too many. Though as I said before that may just be me. I was going to say something about neon and on but then I realised it may just be my accent! The curses of having a British accent, people do tend to laugh when I say shut up or bathroom. I don't know why, tis normal to me.
Loved the rest of it by the way
Byeeeee TTFN or whatever
Night Scape
(Hope my review had some good in it for you!)
Haha... thanks for reviewing!
But anyway... Thanks a bunch for reviewing!!!
I, too, noticed that there was something strange about the clover sentence, but I wasn't sure how to fix it at the time. I'll see what I can do.
I didn't realize you guys say "neon" differently.
I personally like British accents, and I don't know why people would laugh at it...
Well the neon part ain't that different but it probably sounds much weirder because of the way I extend the e!
Hi, I'm Rochelia
Shall we review your poem? I think we should!
sorry, I'm a little bit crazy lol
What I love about this poem is that its so realistic and and carefree. Its asks questions that really make you think about things.
The sort-of snappy rhythm makes it easy, and the words are smooth to read too, so it makes the reader understand the poem better.
the fact that its not edited show real talent that this is what goes on in your mind and the ability to think up rhymes like that is very impressive.
Have you been writing for very long? because it seems like it
I love the truth in stanza 7 "In a world full of bondage/ I am still free" because the world is bound. Every individual is bound by something and it is when you can let go of whatever you think you cant live without and declare yourself free. Bob Marley once said "emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our mind" and I love him for that because he taught me not to submit to the things that were trying to take control of me.
Freedom is beautiful. Do as you wish and say what you want, because there's nothing better than a person that is different and thinks outside of the dull box that society is cooped up in.
The question you pose at the end finishes everything up nicely and you know what? No, I definitely do not have a problem with you! You go girl!
Don't worry, I can be pretty crazy sometimes as well.
Thanks a lot for reviewing, and for all the lovely compliments you included. I feel very flattered right now, but I don't deserve all that.
I haven't written poetry seriously until this year, so I'm still a newbie at it. I mostly end up writing about what my mind has been on lately, and this poem is certainly no exception.
When I wrote this, I was mostly considering the conformity of society, and the idea of being a slave to yourself never occurred to me. But it fits in well. Great ideas!
Thanks again for reviewing and everything else besides!
Cheers!