"Thank you," I say, accepting my timetable from the secretary. She grumpily explains how I use my new planner, then goes into great detail about never intruding her office, and so on. I nod and promise I won't. As I hurry out, I hear the clink of bottle against glass and the thud of liquid splashing the bottom. Rolling my eyes in disgust, I leave her with her whiskey alone.
The school itself is much better in comparison to the secretary, true, but my old school was nicer. I was born and raised in Britain for six years, before moving to the States after my mother died, with my father and younger brother, Billy. We moved into a small house in Minnesota, where two years later, Dad met Cadence. Dad proposed to Cadence when I was ten and Billy was six. Then, just as I was ready to start high school, Cadence got a promotion in London from her law firm. So Dad packed me and Billy off to Mum's relatives for six months whilst he and Cadence moved into a London flat.
Aunt Maggie adores Billy and I, but me more than Billy. Because Billy moved when he was two, he's adapted an American accent and knows only Cadence as his 'mom'. Aunt Maggie likes that I remember my real mother and I'm immediately her favourite.
So now, I am twelve and I am living with a young, boring, horrible, American stepmother; a lazy, slobbering, cheeky American brother; and then, the only reminder of my past... my British dad, who I now don't even recognise.
«»«»«»«»«»
"You're totally, like, gonna love it, here, Ella!"
I cough slightly. "Ellie," I say for the third time.
The girl's smile falters, then she laughs falsely. "Like, I'm so sorry again, Ellie! Gosh, I'm, like, such an idiot sometimes. Won't happen again, like, will it, Sasha?"
Another girl looks up. "No," she says quietly. "But, Avery, give Ellie a chance to speak, yeah?"
The first girl, Avery, blushes. "Sorry, Ella - I mean, Ellie!"
Avery busies herself in finishing the cold macaroni cheese, whilst I smile gratefully at Sasha. She doesn't acknowledge me, just looks down at her own salad. I stare at it hungrily. Dad makes me buy school meals out of my own money. I would buy a hundred macaroni cheeses if that meant I could have just one of those salads.
"Red lettuce?" I ask Sasha.
She raises an eyebrow, sighs, and shoves the salad towards me. "Eat it," she says coldly.
I laugh, then realise she's serious. "I can't eat your food!" I say, nudging it back.
Sarah's furious eyes soften a little. Then she stands up.
"Now that you're best friends with Avery," she says angrily, "then I don't stand a chance. It's bad enough having Avery and Rochelle and Katie and Luce and every other bully on my case. I don't need you on my case, too."
Avery ignores Sasha's outburst, talking to some blonde chick.
I roll my eyes. "Stereotype me, then. See if I care. But you will not make out that I'm a bully. Yeah, I want your salad. Anything beats this crap. But I would never force something from someone - except my little brother, Billy."
Again, Sasha's eyebrows arc up. "You have a little brother?"
"Well, I say little. He's eight."
"Mine too. And my sister, Shelby, is seventeen."
"My family are American," I tell Sasha with a sigh.
"Like, no way!" Avery gasps. "Have you, like, been to Hollywood? Oh my God, have you met Beyoncé?"
I raise an eyebrow. "Beyoncé's a singer, Avery."
Sasha stifles a smirk.
"Like, I know that, Ella -"
"Ellie."
"- but she must, like, go to Hollywood sometimes? Oh well, I, like, am too busy to care, like, about your Hollywood dramas, Ella. Like, why did you bring it up?"
I glare at Sasha. "Is she for real?" I mouth.
Sasha grins and nods.
That's how I met Sasha Preston.
And here's how I met Carter Blake.
"Oi! Blake, get back here!"
A tall, handsome boy runs by me. He skids to a stop behind our table and ducks below my back. I turn around indignantly, before he pulls me to his side and shields himself with me.
"Sssh," he whispers. "Please don't rat me out."
"Where's Blake?" someone thunders.
I glance up. There are two police officers and a suited man with a bushy beard. Later, I learnt that they were DCs Kirk and Redfer, and the headteacher Mr Irkman.
"BLAKE!" Irkman yells furiously.
I look back at the boy beside me. He's gorgeous, with chestnut-brown hair and green eyes and freckled cheeks. He's wearing a grey hoodie and black jeans, and he's looking at me desperately.
I'm about to tell him to hide under the table when Avery pipes up, "He's, like, here, sir, with Ella!"
"It's Ellie," I growl. I turn back to the boy. "For god's sake, come on!"
I grab his hand and pull him out of the cafeteria. We're being followed by the police officers and Irkman. I can see the fire exit ahead. Then there's the toilets to my left.
"In there," I tell Blake.
"What?" he asks. "That's the ladies' loos!"
"Just go, will you?"
He hurries off. I rush to the fire exit and swing the door as hard as I can, then jump behind a nearby potted plant. Peering through the leaves, I see the policemen notice the swinging door and disappear, followed by a livid Irkman.
Quickly I disappear into the toilets and shove the bin against the door.
"Blake!" I hiss.
He comes out of one of the cubicles. He's grinning wildly.
"Thanks," he says.
"Well, you've probably just got me excluded on my first day of school, but no problem."
Blake's smile wavers. "I didn't realise. Look, um..."
"Ellie. Ellie Barlow."
"Okay, Ellie. I'm really sorry. First days are tough and I've probably just scared the crap out of you."
I shrug. "Don't worry. You've done me a favour. This'll get my dad's attention for sure."
The boy pauses. "I'm Carter, by the way. Star of Year Seven, tutor group C."
"Great," I say with a roll of my eyes. "I'm in the same group as you."
"I'll see you around, Ellie Barlow."
"Yeah, Carter Blake. That's if the police don't get you first."
"Eh, believe me. It'll be years before they've got one over on Carter Blake."
***
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Hi Lozzinator!
The first thing that caught my attention was the title. It's really interesting to me. I'm looking forward to finding out how the title ties in with the story, I mean if it does. Now, on to the review.
~ I leave her with her whiskey alone. I felt like the wording in this sentence was a little off. It just kind of sounds weird when you read it. Maybe consider rewording this sentence?
So for the whole Avery, Sasha, Ellie/Ella dialogue part... It was a little hard for me to keep up with all the names and such. I sort of felt that way throughout this whole piece. As if it was sorta rushed and dumped a heavy load of information on the reader. I mean, I know this is an introduction, and introductions usually tell information, but I think some of the information could have been distributed throughout the story instead.
So, yes! I won't mention anything else because the other reviewers below me pretty much covered everything. Thanks for the nice read. Happy writing!
Yours till the Chocolate Chips,
Snow
Hi,
This is okay. I'm curious to see where you go with it, and you're a good writer. My name's Ellie, and it's always fun to see stories that have my own name since it's not that common. Although I've never gotten Ella. It's always Ellen or Allie.
That being said, Sasha and Avery don't really seem like very realistic characters. I take it by reading this piece that you're not American; I am and I found it as a whole just a little bit offensive. Why should the fact that S/A and her family are American matter? If she's lived almost her whole life in America, why does she hold such negative stereotypes of the people that live there? I hope Sasha and Avery have more to do later on in the story, because right now they're just not very realistic. I don't know anyone who says like every other word.
The beginning is kind of info-dumpy; try to let it occur more naturally in the story. I didn't really understand where they were or what was going on. Are they at boarding school? Are they in America or are they in Britain? A few other things:
- Kids don't just adopt accents on purpose. It comes naturally over a long period of time by listening to the way other people talk around you. And even then you wouldn't completely lose your accent; my great grandmother moved from Alabama (south) to Ohio (north) when she was young and her southern accent stayed with her until the day she died.
- How old is Carter supposed to be? If Ellie's twelve, that would put her in seventh grade. If he is the same age, we say seventh grade, not year seven.
- cubicle > stall
- loos > bathrooms (if this doesn't take place in America, although I'm assuming it does, ignore these little phrasing things. But those are just so you know).
Good luck with revisions. I'm curious to see more.
Thank you for the criticism and it will be taken on board.

No I'm not American and this is set in Britain, but this wasn't intended to be offensive to Americans. I hold a lot of respect for Americans, I apologise if I have deeply offended you in any way.
The reason that Ellie doesn't like Americans is because she sees it that she would still be in Britain if her mother hadn't died. That's where her mum is buried, that's where she grew up. I'm not dissing Americans - like I said, Ellie preferred her school in Minnesota. Again, I'm sorry if anyone finds the content offensive.
About the accents. Billy was two when he left Britain, which means he'd barely picked up much speech. Growing up in America with an American stepmother for six years meant he was more likely to adapt to that accent. Again, sorry if I've messed that up.
Well it's a British school so I say Year Seven, and both Carter and Ellie are twelve.
Finally, Sasha and Avery. Sasha will be portrayed as a feisty girl with some issues but she's Ellie's best friend. Avery is a very minor character after the first couple of chapters. I'm trying to portray Avery as an annoying excitable mean girl and I want people to be annoyed with her, hence the constant use of like. I used to know a girl who said like a lot, nearly as frequently as Avery.
Hope that clears things up and please don't give up on this story so early
I'm not going to give up! Yeah that clears things up a little bit, I was jut confused by the first chapter. My great grandma moved from Alabama to Ohio when she was sixteen, so I guess I would find it find it plausible that he would speak in an American accent, I guess I'm not sure it's accurate. I just reviewed for your first chapter and I'm looking forward to more!
Hello again.
So just because the boy doesn't remember his mom automatically makes him less liked than Ellie? I don't like that, it seems unrealistic and already tells me that the Aunt is bias and someone I probably won't like much.
Grammar error. Is, not are.
Yeah, definitely not what I expected, unless you mean she was 12 at that time and now she's older. And if she is 12, consider an age change. 12 is too young to be in a relationship, and especially to be going to juvie like Carter is.
Another nitpick I had was Sasha. I think you overdid the stereotype traits she has, especially the constant "likes". That definitely can be toned down, I was just ugh after she finished talking and Carter came in.
Anyways, despite my nitpicks, this seems promising. I do hope that age issue is fixed, because I read it like a Young Adult novel, with lots of lovings and smexy kissy scenes to come along.
Off to read chapter one (why does this day introduction? It should just be chapter one, really). Keep on writing!
~Iggy.
Thank you. Aunt Maggie is only in the Introduction and will not come up again. Yes she is slightly biased, but that is because she is Ellie's mother's sister. She does not necessarily prefer Ellie despite what Ellie thinks. Maggie likes the fact that Ellie can still remember her mother. She does not dislike or feel let down by Billy in any way. It's not his fault because as I explained, he was too young.

This is set five years earlier before the first chapter, so I called it an introduction because of this.
I apologise for the grammar error.
The first chapter will be set when Ellie is 17, but I introduced Carter and Ellie as 12-year-olds to create their first meeting, their personalities, and Ellie's background with her family.
And finally, the character of Avery is supposed to be 'too much' with the constant use of the word 'like'. It was not my terrible writing that made the character of Avery so bad, might I add, it was purely because Avery is supposed to be an annoying, dumb girl who chooses popularity and looks over personality and realism.
Thank you for the constructive criticism, it will all be taken on board
Hello! This is so cute. I love how Carter just runs and hides behind Ellie. That made me smile at the adorableness and it was just hilarious that Ellie shoved him into the girl's toilets. I could picture all of this perfectly, so good job.
The beginning with Avery and Sasha I found a bit confusing, but I understood most of it. I just found it confusing with all the dialogue, but maybe I just didn't read carefully enough.
I rreaaally hope that you make the next chapter from Carter's POV, because I would love that. If you don't, that's cool too, I'm just making a suggestion.
I don't understand what 'Tutor Group C' is, we don't have that at my school, so maybe a quick explanation of that? Also, its making me nervous already that you said they might not end up together.
Anyways. Keep writing and tell me when you write another chapter! I can't wait to read more!
<3Amelia
Aw thanks for that! My writing isn't always clear so it's nice to have a comment like that, thank you. Basically, Sasha is bullied sometimes by Avery and all her friends. Avery doesn't mind Sasha sitting with them because Sasha IS a part of the group. She's just the one who gets picked on constantly.


I might do one in Carter's POV actually, thanks for the idea!
We have tutor groups at our school. They can be called forms too. They're basically the classes that you register in. We have four for every year group; B, C, S and W. I'm in C. We register together and do activities together but don't usually take classes together. Hope that clears that up!
We will have to see about Ellie and Carter...
Ohhhhhh okay! Yeah that makes alot of sense now.
It's not much, but it shows you how Ellie met the main protagonists of the story - Sasha and Carter. Now I know what a lot of you are thinking - "Ugh, predictable. Good girl falls in love with bad boy." No way. Ellie and Carter are very complex characters, both twisted and damaged in their own ways. A relationship between them would be like a relationship between two psychotic strangers. Ellie's so sweet and nice but her past is full of pain and misery. Carter's suffered horrendously too for other people's mistakes. Together, they'd be a bomb prone to detonation. So they won't definitely end up together. Just saying.