The lights flicker,
then blaze.
Night is pushed away as
sounds echo through out the world.
The lights brighten
and shine,
showing every detail.
but nothing lasts forever.
The lights are high,
burning
more, soaring at their peak,
out shining every star.
But then, the light
begins
to fade. Darkened corners
awaken our worst fear.
The light goes out.
Silence
fills the room. Night returns
to hold light captive in its stars.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I enjoyed it. Easy to understand and reads with ease. I agree it needs a bit more emotion. Light and Dark is like the oldest conflict on earth, so your emotional attachment to the conflict will help bring new life to it.
Good Luck
Hey Dreamer,
You asked for it, so here it is
First off, I like the simplicity of this poem. You've kept to your pattern and I think the changes in line length give an impression of rising and falling which works well with the content.
What I find with this poem, however, is that it's a bit too straightforward. You're describing light, yes (not the deepest topic in the world, lol). But the key to good poetry is, in my opinion, being able to say more than one thing in the same line/verse/whatever.
Basically what I'm saying is that you need to try to be more subtle, and to bring more creative/original imagery into your poem. What does the light mean to you, personally? Why do you want to write about it? What do you want your readers to think/feel about this light? The basics are there - the idea of ebb and flow, of impermanence, etc. I'd suggest you build on these and explore the concept more thoroughly. I also think you should try for a more varied and poetic choice of words. Really work to draw your reader in and give them your insight into light.
Hope that helps
Cheers,
~bubbles
I liked the idea, but I think I would like it more if I could get some emotion from the meaning of light and dark, and if there was more imagery. I hear a lot about light but all I see is white in my mind, can you paint a picture? Try not to repeat "light" so much, find other words to use. I wrote a poem that had an on going metaphor that had to do with the sea, and water, and waves. I tried [and succeeded, if I remember?] to not repeat any of the descriptive words. I came out brilliant, though navel gazing.
If you changed those things, I think this could be really good.
Hello Dreamer,
I liked your poem's concept of light, how you described it flickering, shining and fading away into darkness with metaphors.
The structure is a bit irregular since it changes a little in the third verse. I preferred the two words on every third line otherwise it breaks off the rhythm (except for the last verse because it builds up suspension).
Other than that, I think it's a imaginative poem which slowly changes into darkness well.