She knew that it was stupid,
She knew it was all an act.
She knew she shouldn’t do it,
She knew it made them laugh.
So long as they were happy,
Long friends and highest peers,
Nothing really mattered,
There is no sound if you can’t hear.
So she lived her life, making
Others happy at her own cost
See, so long as they’re happy,
Nothing’s really lost.
She dreamed of having time
When she could be herself
But that was just a dusty thought
Meant to be on a high up shelf.
She only lived for other’s joy.
She knew this had to be okay.
So long as they’re happy,
She thought she got her way.
But people turned away from her.
“Stop following, you’re an ass.”
But they could never know that if
She was herself, they would never laugh.
So long as they were happy,
Long friends and highest peers,
She could enjoy her life,
There is no sound if you won’t hear.
Family stopped calling,
Kids stopped saying “hi!”
Friends stopped coming over,
Others rushed to say good bye.
Who was she?
Not what she pretended.
But she acted for so long,
Her self could not be mended.
Old age had her in its grip
No chance for escape.
For Maryanne, at least,
Second chance has come too late.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Oh! Second point. Nix the rhyme. It really hinders word usage and also can be extremely irritating if not used very well. Just tips. Try starting writing in free-form and then as you get more experienced, you can try dabbling in it, but I find that the best poetry that is more original and fresh to read is freeform because it's limitless in it's structure. Just another tip.
--C
Eh, as soon as I saw so much repetition and redundancy in the first stanza I decided not to bother reading the rest. I will tell you that you ought not repeat your words, it doesn't really create a dramatic affect, rather redundancy and a bored reader.
Try rewriting and using better imagery, and show, not tell.
--C
This has a sing-song feel to it, so when you broke rhythm it sounded bad. Also, repeating that verse was useless.
This is kind of an over used topic, but you went one step backwards. Don't tell us what she was like. Give us an event, a moment when she was like this, and show the repercussions of it. Poetry works just like a story, we don't want to be told, we want to be shown.
So, with that in mind, start a new poem with the same idea, and try again. Show, don't tell. Bring the reader in, make us feel what she does, let us connect with her. Give her a name earlier on. Why use her name so late in the poem?
Also, don't repeat yourself so much, a lot of your lines started with, "She," and "She knew..." at the beginning was really annoying.