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Goodbye

by LosPresidentes


I thought I had time,
To finnish my dreams;
I  thought I had time,
to waste on just me;
I'm sorry this is how it has to be,

I thought  I had time,
To sleep-in this morning,
I thought I had time,
Please  I want no  mourning,
I thought I had it alll...

I'll never be there,
to see her grow up;
I'll never be there.
when my team takes the cup
I thought I had time....


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Points: 1131
Reviews: 33

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Sat Jun 09, 2012 5:15 am
Fire Light says...



So the person died? *trying to clarify*




LosCadaver says...


no, but he's gettin there ^^;;



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31 Reviews


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Reviews: 31

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Sat Jun 02, 2012 3:13 am
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FallenAngel97 wrote a review...



This is really good :) I like how you worded it in a way that it makes you wonder. And when you made the lines repeat, you did it in such a way that it fit and it just...worked. Great job, and keep writing!
~Fallen




LosCadaver says...


Thank you. I will.



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Fri Jun 01, 2012 7:22 am
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BenDietz wrote a review...



I liked this poem. It connected with the audience on a personal level yet kept us distanced from itself so we were still wondering just what the heck was going on here. The thing which I liked the most about it was the fact that the repetition within the poem didn't cause the reader to anticipate what was going to happen too much yet it also gave us a sense of welcomeness.

Good poem, keep going at it!




LosCadaver says...


Thank you.



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Fri Jun 01, 2012 1:56 am
mithrim96 wrote a review...



Hello, I'm Mith and I'm gonna review your work!

This is really deep, really beautiful and subtly awesome. The emotion is quite melancholic and I get the feeling that the narrator is about to die or is deathly ill or even, is written from the point of view of someone already deceased. It's in these moments that someone really reflects on life and you've done a really good job at portraying that reflection through self, family and friends. It definitely has that lyrical lull to it with the potential to be a hit song! Now for the critique:


SPELLING AND GRAMMAR
"To finnish my dreams" - finish
"I thought I had it alll..." - all
"when my team takes the cup" doesn't have any punctuation at the end
When you end a phrase with a comma in the first and second stanza, the next line starts with a capital but in the third stanza it is lower case. - Personally I prefer the lowercase but I think you should pick one and have it all the same.

Other than that it sounds and looks good.


WORD USAGE

There are no parts where I feel, "Wow, that sounded really interesting," in the way that there are none of those words that give me that 'so cool!' feeling. I'm not sure how to describe it but these lyrics didn't have that. The thing is though, they didn't need it! The style that you have created in this piece is like a simple good-bye - trying to say so many things in so little words.


FLOW AND UNDERSTANDABILITY

You used, "I thought I had time" really effectively in that it didn't annoy me but it linked the whole piece together. The whole thing makes sense and is easy to relate to. The rhyming created good flow though I thought the second stanza sounded a little forced and didn't flow as well as the others. Also, "I'm sorry this is how it has to be", seemed too long for the rest of the stanza.


OVERALL OPINION

I love it! There are a few little things that I got nit-picky about, sorry, but overall I think you did a great job of making interesting lyrics. If you feel I got something completely wrong or anything else, feel free to P.M. me!




LosCadaver says...


Thats a doosey, thanks ^^ Its will probably end up being longer than this.




“Rise like Lions after slumber In unvanquishable number. Shake your chains to earth like dew Which in sleep had fallen on you— Ye are many—they are few.”
— Mary Shelly